She had no idea that I was taking notes. That it was through her that I learned all his likes and dislikes. That it was because of her, a picture had started to form in my head. A life of parties and shopping trips out of town, rubbing elbows with the rich, and being able to afford anything I wanted, like sending my daughter to the top private school in the nation where she would be in close contact with the offspring of the wealthy, upping her chances of marrying into one of those families, and being set for life.
Why shouldn’t we both have a life like that? Why shouldn’t my daughter be afforded the same opportunities as hers? No matter what anyone says, I won’t accept that I’ve done anything wrong. It’s not my fault. I tried, didn’t I? I tried to be her mother, but it was she who rejected me at every turn. I did what I had to, to stake my claim as the woman of the house. If I hadn’t, her wimp of a father would’ve let her rule the nest out of guilt over her dead mother.
It’s inconceivable; I think that’s the word, to think that it could all come crashing down so easily at the hands of some punk who didn’t have anything better to do but meddle in some stranger’s life. So, what, I did what I did, anyone else in my situation would’ve done the same.
Why shouldn’t my kid have nicer things than her? She had a hard start in life while little Miss Perfect was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. So when I got the chance, why would I let my daughter suffer for someone else’s child’s happiness? Victoria’s self-esteem was never the best, and Gia, for whatever reason, only made it worst.
Now I have no idea what my poor child is going through out there without me, surrounded by people who hate us. She’s my last hope for getting out of this unscathed. Felix isn’t the sort to turn his back on the child he’d adopted and raised as his own. Once again, I can use that to my advantage.
I feel the way I did when we first got here, like an unwanted outcast—the one who, no matter how I tried, I could never fit in. I’d used my daughter’s connection to their kids to get a foot in, but that hadn’t gone as well as I’d hoped either. It’s because I wasn’t one of them, those bitches.
I learned only too late that their friendships were born not because of close proximity to one another but because they’d genuinely liked Adrienne and saw her as some glittering light who was always the go-to person for whatever ailed these pampered witches with brooms up their ass.
Not even my made-up background was enough for them. They weren’t interested in me as a person, not like they’d been with her. It’s like they hated me for living while she was gone and never gave me a chance. Some of them had even laughed in my face, some going so far as to accuse me of wanting to fill Adrienne’s shoes and not being able to fit.
I grew to hate them then and had encouraged Victoria instead of scolding her when I found out what she was doing to their kids. As far as I was concerned, we were killing two birds with one stone, ostracizing Gia from her support system, and gaining a foothold for my kid.
Do they know? Does everyone know that I’m in here? They must be laughing at me now. I can just imagine their next bitch lunch gathering; they’ll be nodding their heads and patting themselves on the back for being right about me all along. Would they approach Felix now that I was out of the way? Before that new horror could set in, the guard was calling out to me.
“You’ve got a phone call.”
“It’s about time. I’m going to give Felix Fontane a piece of my mind.” I have to keep up appearances here, so they won’t think I’ve been deserted by my wealthy husband and start treating me wrong.
“It’s not the husband.”
“Who is it? Is it my daughter?”
“No, some guy named Jimmy.”
GABRIEL
Like a kid in a candy store, that’s what watching her reminded me of. She took to the water on sight, and had I not dragged her out each day after giving her swimming lessons in the mornings, she’d have spent the whole vacation in the tropical paradise in the water. That worked out in some ways because she was so tired at night that there was no question of us making love.
She’d be asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow most nights, but tonight she’d worn me down, and I, of course, had given in. I hated the look of uncertainty on her face when I tried to gently turn her away. And since I didn’t quite yet have a ready answer as to why we should put the brakes on, I gave in, not that it was a hardship, except for the guilt I knew would follow.
Now she’s asleep, cuddled up to my side while I lay awake thinking about our future, both hers and mine. In truth, I was trying to figure out the best way to fix what I now saw as my screw-up. I’d made up my mind not to do this again, not to take any more from her than I already had.
The first time could be explained away; she’d needed me then, and though I should’ve known better, I can live with that. But still, I had taken things further, knowing that in the end, I’d just be one more person who disappointed her in life. That’s not the person I’ve trained myself to be, but I can’t see a way out that won’t hurt her, and dammit, she’s a weakness I wasn’t prepared for.
While she’s been having fun, spreading her wings, and enjoying things she never got the chance to before, I’ve been able to keep my inner thoughts well hidden. But tonight, they haunt me, and no matter how I try, I can’t find the answers. There’s no easy way to put distance between us without hurting her already bruised heart, and it’s killing me.
Funny, in all my studying, I never touched on the subject of love and relationships; I never thought I needed to because it was never supposed to be a part of my life; she was never supposed to be part of my existence.
Now looking down at her sleeping face, I wished for the first time in my life that I could escape the taint and curse of my conception. That I was worthy of her. I could almost imagine a life with her. I almost long to be there for her evolution, for the day she becomes the complete being I know lives inside her.
I’d love to be there when she finally comes into her own; I’d love to see the woman she becomes, strong, independent, and sure of herself in a way she’s never been. I was shocked to feel a tear gather in the corner of my eye, which I closed quickly to stave it off. I hugged her a little tighter, kissing her forehead as she sighed in her sleep and got closer. Her life is only just beginning, and once I get rid of all the obstacles in her way…
I can tell her the truth, that I can’t offer her anything more than what we have right now. I’m not afraid of her rejection but warier of what it would do to her. No matter how I look at it, I can’t avoid bringing her pain because no matter what, in the end, I still took Gianna’s innocence. If I continue with this, I might end up being the person who brought her the most pain.
Shit! What am I going to do now? I can’t desert her now, not with things being the way they are. But I must find a way to put distance between us while still helping her. I also have to find a way to protect my heart, to keep her from getting in any deeper because all of this is tearing me apart.
This guilt each time we make love isn’t going to get better with time; it’s never going to go away. I’ll only be prolonging the agony for both of us. I feel like a monster each time I touch her now because I know there’s only one way for this to end. Part of me wants to continue, to leave things as they are and let them run their course.