I never claimed to be a saint. I think I’ve gone above and beyond to acknowledge and admit the fact that I’m a monster, that I have monster DNA in my blood. Asking me to give a shit about any of them at this point is futile. I’m not one to feel sorry for the wicked just because they seem contrite. These fuckers are only sorry when they’re caught. Fuck…them.
I heard movement and was ready to flatten someone when I caught sight of her hair. Dammit! Didn’t I ask Lance to keep an eye on her? I’m avoiding you, sweetheart, because I’m not ready to let go. But since you’re here….
GABRIEL
Her face didn’t look like my Gianna’s when she approached me. There was a hard look in her eyes as she came to a stop in front of me. “Are you avoiding me? Have I done something wrong?” That look didn’t last; it just disappeared like smoke, which tells me she was trying to be brave. She’d most likely picked up on my change in mood these past few days and was protecting herself.
That made me feel disgusted with myself because I’d been trying so hard not to give anything away so that she could enjoy her time away. On the other hand, she’s giving me the perfect opening. I hadn’t planned out my words to her in my head like most would’ve done in my shoes. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, so for the first time in my life, I wasn’t prepared.
“There’s something….” I stopped and took a deep breath. There isn’t much I can tell her to soften the blow that is sure to come, so I decided to go with the truth or as much of it as I was willing to share. “There’re some things that I need to do, things you can’t be a part of….”
“Are you breaking up with me?” She sounded breathless and hurt and I never in a million years thought this was going to hurt me so bad. But I can’t stop now; I just got to rip the Band-Aid off one time. “I want you; I think I’ll always want you, but I can't have you. I want better for you.” Better than this life of blood and violence. Saying those words were hard, but the next ones out of my mouth were going to be devastating.
“Here's the thing, if you're going to have any kind of life, you can't do it around here; you have to leave. I can't see you with a husband and kids; I just can't do it. So, leave with your family, don't look back. If I ever see you again, I'll take you plain and simple, and it won’t be like this. I won’t be like this.”
My gut was tying itself in knots, and there was a burning sensation that ran from my navel to my heart like I’d just gutted myself.
“No, Gabriel, please don’t...” The tears, I can’t handle the tears, and for some reason, I got very irate at her for using them now. She won’t understand that there was literally nothing I could do about this situation, nothing that won’t put her in danger. I didn’t want to be harsh with her, didn’t want our last conversation to deteriorate into something awful. But I also knew that sometimes you must be harsh to get your point across.
“You think this is easy for me; it's tearing my guts the fuck out, but I love you too much to bring you into this. I wish it were different….”
“Into what? What’re you talking about? Does this have something to do with you finding your grandpa?” She’s still not getting it, fuck. I don’t want her even thinking about the mess I’m about to dive into; I don’t want her close to this in any way, shape, or form.
“It doesn’t matter what it’s about; all that matters is that we can’t be together. I’m sorry if you were looking for something more, but now that your life is back on track, you don’t need me. Just leave, like I said. Go to Virginia, live your life.” Be happy; please be happy. I almost buckled in front of her but held it back. Any show of weakness and I’d lose this chance, and after this, I’m one hundred percent sure I won’t be able to do this again. It hurts too damn much.
“So, what was all of this about? Why did you even get involved in my life if you were going to do this?” Fuck, Gianna, just go, please take the words I’ve already said and go, don’t make me have to come up with some harsh shit that I won’t even mean just to put space between us.
“Was it just a game to you from beginning to end? I’m not a doll for you to play dress-up with and then discard when you get bored. I’m a whole person.” Where the hell is this coming from?
She thinks I didn’t mean any of it, and I have no choice but to let her. This, this is hell. Somehow, I couldn’t help reaching out for her, though, almost subconsciously. “I’m sorry, Gianna, I’m so sorry, but there’s no way for us to be together.”
Because if the people I’m about to go after know about you, I’m afraid you might be hurt. And if the day ever comes that you learn the truth about my birth… “As I said, you need to leave New Hampshire; you can’t be here.” How did I not know that this was one of my fears? That the thought of her knowing where I came from filled me with such angst and dread? If no one else, I want her to never know this, never.
“OK, you’ve made your point.” She turned in a huff and started heading back the way she came.
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t want to be alone, and you don’t want to be with me, so I’m going to go find someone who does?”
“What the hell does that mean?
“Exactly what I said. You don’t need to worry about me anymore. You’ve made your point extremely clear. Thanks for all that you’ve done for me. I owe you, or maybe we’re even since I gave you the only thing I had worth giving.”
Low blow, but it hit the mark. I had to stand there and grit my teeth with my fists clenched as she walked away from me. Just one more thing I’ve lost because of Ricci. The pain was unbearable, like being physically hit by an SUV going ninety miles per hour. It was almost too hard to breathe, but I refused to let the tears that threatened fall.
I felt just a hint of pride at her feistiness there at the end, but then her parting words replayed themselves in my head, and I hurried to follow her. Just who is this person she’s running to? Whoever he is, I’ll pound him into mush. She can’t do that, can’t have that in front of me. The hypocrisy and double standards of my thinking weren’t lost on me. I don’t give a fuck. If anybody’s near her, they’re going to get it.
I ran back onto campus in time to see her walking away between the twins. Why did that fill me with such relief? It should be none of my business now, right. I’d done what I’d planned to where she’s concerned. Things hadn’t been as smooth as I’d have hoped, but it hadn’t been too bad either. In a few days, I’m sure it’ll blow over, and she’ll be happy again.
I told myself that as I headed back to class, feeling like the bottom had dropped out. Usually, in situations like these, I can talk myself through it keep my head on straight. But I’ve never been in a situation quite like this, so the emotions were all new, and they were vicious.
I couldn’t use philosophy on this one; I felt pure raw emotion. So much so that by the time school came to an end that day, I could barely put one foot in front of the other without feeling physical pain. Without my years of training, I doubt I would’ve made it. A lesser man would’ve fallen, I think. There’s no way anyone could hold up under this heavy load of heartache and regret.