“It’s okay, I won’t.” Because he’d already said enough. And she no longer wanted to shield herself from tragedy. Which meant—yes, a flood of horrendous feelings awaited her: sorrow, guilt, regret. But it also meant letting her love for Kenzie buoy her. It meant being present for him this year. It meant being hopeful about the years to come.
* * *
As the months went by, Oona and Kenzie muddled through; their grief was ever-present, but lessened by degrees.
Despite routines and distractions, Oona and her son often felt Madeleine’s absence, as if the color and volume on the world had been turned down a notch. They mourned her in the moments when they turned to each other with heavyhearted smiles that said, Madeleine would’ve loved this. Like when they came across a tiny East Village shop selling Indian and Tibetan textiles and trinkets. Or when they caught a TV documentary about the history of flight attendants. Or when they saw a six-foot inflatable bottle of champagne while passing by the grand opening of a liquor store. So many things Madeleine would’ve loved.
The loss of her mother made for a bittersweet reunion with Kenzie—a balancing act of enjoying his company while accepting his inevitable absence from her life, depending on what year awaited her next leap.
One morning in late October, while they sat on a log in the park, feeding the ducks and geese, Oona turned to Kenzie and said, “I haven’t lived through being pregnant and giving birth to you yet, but … do you ever wish I hadn’t given you up for adoption?”
“That’s not a fair question.” He plucked bits off a loaf of bread and let them fall at his feet. “It’s not fair to you or to Faye and Shivani. Because I love having you in my life, but I also loved having them in my life.”
“But losing them so young … what if I could spare you that pain?” Noting his suspicious scowl, she hurried to add, “Not by keeping you from them. I saw what a happy family the three of you were. I’m talking about the accident. I’ve tried to change certain parts of the future, but I’ve never been able to. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Mom couldn’t prevent the accident, but there has to be another way—”
“No.”
“But what if it would give you more time with Faye and Shivani?” Even if that means less time with me. “What if it could mean a better life for you?”
“Mom, you need to stop.” He faced her with a stubborn jut to his chin. “Of course I wish the accident never happened. After they died, there were times I would’ve killed for just one more day with them.” Oona opened her mouth to retort. “Hang on, you need to let me finish. Every time we have this conversation, you try to talk over me.” Chastened, she chewed her lip and nodded an apology. “You have no idea how tempting it is when you start talking about this, how my brain goes crazy wondering if maybe this time you would be able to change the future or send me off into a happier parallel timeline or whatever.” He pointed his palms to the sky. “But there’s no way to know what the cost would be—would other people die in their place?—or if it would guarantee a happier life. Maybe I’ve seen too many movies where that kind of thing goes horribly wrong or maybe I’ve just accepted things as they are. I just wish you would, too. Mom, you have to stop trying to mess with your fate. Or at least mine. You need to let the bad shit happen and stop trying to undo it. What went down with you and me in Boston, Faye and Shivani’s accident, let it all be.”
“Are you sure?” Always this nagging remorse that she’d made the wrong choices, took the wrong turns in the maze of her life.
“I’m sure.” He put a hand on her arm and softened his voice. “I have an awesome life. Yes, I’ve lost some good people and I’m a little aimless. I’m thirty-three, single, still figuring out what I want to be when I grow up, still living with my mother. But I’m okay with that. And it’s up to me to change anything I’m not okay with.”
“Fair enough.” A slow nod. “I hope your aimlessness isn’t my fault. When I was with Dale, he had such a clear vision for our lives, which I admired, because I never had a path like that mapped out for myself. But then I was selected for that year abroad and suddenly had two paths to choose from, and then—just as suddenly—none…” She watched two ducks fighting over a crust in the shallow end of the water. “I’m sorry you didn’t get to know your father.”
“Not something you had any control over.” A heavy shrug. “Hey, do you think he would’ve had a problem with me being gay?”
“God no. But he definitely would’ve had a problem with you being a Pink Floyd fan.”
Kenzie laughed and Oona joined in.
“So … um … are you doing okay these days?” he asked.
“Fine, I guess. Why, what’s up?”
“I was … I was thinking of taking a trip.”
“Ooh, where to?”
“New Zealand.”
“What’s in New Zealand?” Reading the glimmer in his eyes, she amended the question. “Who’s in New Zealand?”
“I’ve been chatting with this guy online the last few months.”
“A sheep farmer? Lord of the Rings tour guide?”
“Mom!” But he held back another laugh even as he admonished her. “He’s a tech guy. Web analytics.”
“Tell me all about him.”
“His name is David…”
As Kenzie recounted their digital courtship, Oona’s heart gave a little squeeze at the joy splashed across his face. Was this how she looked in the early days when she told Madeleine about Dale or Crosby or Edward? Had her mother experienced the same surge of elation mixed with trepidation? Elation because how beautiful to see your child’s heart soar. Trepidation because how delicate the flight, how easy to crash.
“I think he’s a good guy, Mom. And I’ve always wanted to visit New Zealand.”
“Well, don’t let me stop you.” When his smile faltered, she said, “No, really. You should go. I’ll be fine here.” Oona forced a breezy tone. “I was actually thinking of going on my own trip.” She wasn’t. “Maybe I’ll take a cruise around the Greek islands.” She wouldn’t.
“You sure you don’t want to do New Zealand with me?” But it was a hollow invitation.
“Maybe some other time.”
“It’ll only be for a few weeks.”
“Get a one-way ticket just in case. Maybe things will go well with David and you’ll want to stay longer.” She thought of exploring Egyptian tombs and markets with Edward, the added enchantment of falling in love in a foreign country. Hopefully, Kenzie’s romantic luck would exceed hers. But better not to think of sour endings or her impending loneliness.
Kenzie did end up staying longer in New Zealand, two months during which Oona continued her routines, feeling both suspended in and fleeting through time. Sleep often eluded her, as did hunger. She’d begun the year thinner than she was in her first leap and continued to lose weight, but it was born out of grief, not health consciousness. No Madeleine plus no Kenzie equaled no appetite.