He nods. “When we finished school, she wanted to look at places back in Asheville. It had never occurred to me that she’d want to move back, and it had never occurred to her that I wouldn’t, and we were so bad at communicating that it didn’t come up much.”
“Did you try long distance?” I ask.
“For a year,” he says. “Worst year of my life.”
“It never works,” I agree.
“Every day feels like a breakup,” he says. “You’re constantly letting each other down, or holding each other back. When we finally ended things, my mom was pretty brokenhearted. She told me I was making all the same mistakes she did and I was going to end up alone if I didn’t figure out my priorities.”
“She just wanted you to come back,” I say. “And Amaya was the fastest path.”
“Maybe.” He lets out a breath, like he’s resigned himself to something. “We barely spoke for a few months, and then . . .” He hesitates. “I came home for the holidays, and I found out Amaya had been dating my cousin since a few weeks after we split. That’s what she wanted to clear the air about, the other night.”
I sit up on my forearms, surprised. “Wait. Your ex-fiancée dated your cousin? Shepherd?”
He nods. “My family basically agreed not to tell me, but I found out anyway, and we had another rough stretch after that.”
And there it is, another little piece of Charlie popped into place.
“There aren’t a ton of prospects here,” he goes on, “so I didn’t exactly blame them, but at the same time . . .”
“Fuck that?” I guess.
He runs a hand up the backside of his head, then tucks it there. “I don’t know, she deserves to be happy. Shepherd had a better chance of giving her that.”
“Why?” I ask. He looks at me, brow pinched, like he doesn’t understand the question. “Why does he have any better chance at making someone happy than you do?”
“Oh, come on, Stephens,” he says wryly. “You of all people know what I mean.”
“I definitely don’t,” I insist.
“Your archetypes,” he says. “The tropes. He’s the guy every woman falls for. The son my parents wanted, working full-time at the job my dad wanted me to have, all while making, like, fucking rocking chairs in his spare time. He even went to my top choice for school.”
“Cornell?” I say.
“Went there to play football,” Charlie says, “but he’s fucking smart too. You went out with him—you know what he’s like.”
“I did go out with him,” I say, “which is why I’m qualified to say, you’re wrong. I mean, not about him being smart. But the other thing, that he’s more qualified to make someone happy.”
His smile fades. He looks back to the sky. “Yeah, well,” he murmurs. “At least for Amaya, it made sense. During our breakup, one of the last things she said to me was, If we stay together, every single day for the rest of our lives is going to be the same. Wasn’t even the last time I heard that in a breakup speech.” He shakes his head. “Anyway, that’s why she wanted to meet up. To apologize for how things ended.”
I feel my cheeks coloring. “It’s cute of you to think that, Charlie,” I say. “But based on how she looks at you, I’m pretty sure all that sameness isn’t so unappealing to her anymore.”
“It wasn’t just that I was too boring for her. She also decided she wanted kids—or, I guess, admitted she did, and was just waiting for me to change my mind.”
I turn onto my side and face him. “You don’t?”
“I hated being a kid.” He folds his arm beneath his head and looks almost furtively in my direction. “I’d have no idea how to get someone else through it, and I definitely wouldn’t enjoy it. I like them, but I don’t want to be responsible for any.”
“Agreed,” I say. “I love my nieces more than anything on the planet, but every time Tala falls asleep in my lap, her dad gets all teary-eyed and is like, Doesn’t it just make you want to have some of your own, Nora? But when you have kids, they count on you. Forever. Any mistake you make, any failure—and if something happens to you . . .”
My throat twists.
“People like to remember childhood as all magic and no responsibilities, but that’s not really how it is. You have absolutely no control over your environment. It all comes down to the adults in your life, and . . . I don’t know. Every time Libby has a new kid, it’s like there’s this magic house in my heart that rearranges to make a new room for the baby.
“And it always hurts. It’s terrifying. One more person who needs you.”
One more tiny hand with your heart in its grip.
I draw a breath, steeling myself. “Can I tell you something? Another secret?”
He turns onto his side, peering at me through the light. “Are we back on who killed JFK?”
I shake my head. “I think Libby’s getting a divorce.”
His brow creases. “You think?”
“She hasn’t told me yet,” I explain. “But she’s not answering Brendan’s calls, and she’s not sleeping well. She hasn’t had trouble with that since—” Charlie’s presence has once again uncorked me. He wraps my focus around him in a way that makes it hard to think forward, to be on guard against every possible scenario.
Or maybe it’s because he really is so organized and thorough, it’s easy to believe that he could fix anything with the sheer force of his will, so it feels safe to unbolt all these chaotic feelings.
“Since your mom passed away?” he finishes my sentence for me.
I nod, run my fingers over the cool pillow between us. “The only thing that’s ever really mattered to me is being sure she has what she needs. And now she’s going through something life-changing and—I can’t do anything. I mean, she hasn’t even told me about it. So if anyone’s useless . . .”
His hand glides up my back, a light, soothing trail over my spine, and settles beneath my hair. “Maybe,” he says, “you’re already doing what she needs you to do. Just by being here with her.”
I cut him a look, feeling a lift and swell in my heart. “Maybe that’s all your dad needs from you too.”
He gently squeezes my neck, then lets his hand fall away. “The difference,” he says, “is Libby asked you to be here. He asked me not to.”
“Well, if that’s all you need,” I say quietly, like it’s a secret, “Charlie, will you please be here?”