“You meant it?”
I nod.
“Say it again, baby.”
“Kane.”
“Say it.” He kisses me once.
“I love you and want to be with you forever.”
A slow grin with a devilish glint forms on his lips. “I feel the same.”
Then he’s thrusting hard inside me, kissing me and holding me closer. He stills inside me, pumping a few times and emptying himself before rolling over to his side.
He helps me get cleaned up, and after I go to the bathroom, I crawl into bed where he already has the tray of food out. So far, he hasn’t mentioned our declarations again, and it makes me nervous. I know there’s something we have to discuss before I can feel settled in the knowledge that we want to be together forever.
And it’s not marriage. I don’t care about an engagement or a wedding or anything like that. I could remain with Kane in the same way we exist now for eternity.
“Oh, these eggs are good,” he mumbles over a mouthful.
“I’m glad you like them.” I pick up a strawberry and eat it.
Rocky whines at the side of the bed.
Kane eats his entire meal and says nothing about what just happened, and now I’m more nervous than ever to discuss what we need to. I move to turn on the television to see what the analysts are saying about last night’s game, but he takes the remote from my hand.
“Later.” He pulls me to his chest. “Let’s talk more about how you want to spend forever with me.”
“Oh my god!” I slap his chest and try to get up, but he holds me there. “You wait for the whole breakfast to talk about it.”
“I might have to hold it over your head forever that you said it first.”
“Fine. I’m just an honest person.”
He runs his hand down my arm, goose bumps following their path. “Last night…”
“Was amazing,” I say, turning to look up at him. Didn’t he think last night was amazing?
“It was, but I noticed you seem more comfortable with Jalen and Annabelle now, eh?”
This is it. I told myself that I would bring this up after the Cup. There’s no reason to cause a rift in our relationship before such an important game. But if I don’t say anything now, it’ll feel like I’m lying.
“Yeah. I guess when you almost lose one…” I chuckle.
He doesn’t.
Another stretch of silence hangs between us.
“Jana?” It’s clear from his tone what he’s asking, so I sit up from his chest to face him.
I cross my legs and he stays lying down on the bed, his fingers running along my legs.
“You seem to enjoy it. And after the doctor’s appointment, I’m just wondering if…”
“I’ve changed my mind?” I finish the sentence for him in a whisper.
He nods.
I cringe. “Maybe? I think so. I don’t know.”
He waits patiently for me to continue.
Emotion overwhelms me, because as much as I’ve been trying to ignore what I feel about having a child, it’s impossible. But I know there’s also a very real possibility that this new realization could cost me my relationship with Kane.
A tear slips down my cheek as I nod. “I think I do want a child.”
He sits up, wrapping his arms around me and letting me cry all over his chest. He’s so stoic that I can’t tell what he’s thinking.
“I never thought I wanted to have kids… but I don’t know if it’s the fact that the doctor told me I can’t if I wait too much longer or if it’s because when we babysat, I saw you with Annabelle and Jalen and I pictured us with our own kids… maybe it’s just that now that I’m in a relationship with a man I love and trust and want to spend the rest of my life with, it feels natural to want children with him. Whatever the reason, my feelings have changed.”
He continues to run his hand up and down my back, but doesn’t say anything.
“You’d be a great dad,” I whisper, hoping it will urge him to respond.
His hand freezes on my back. “I’m never going to be a dad, Jana.”
His confession is like a knife piercing my heart, because I hear the resolve in his voice.
I draw back and look at him. “What?”
Sitting up, he brings his knees up and rests his arms on his knees, clasping his hands together in between. “I understand you changing your mind, but I haven’t changed mine. I don’t want kids.”
More tears fall down my cheeks and I wipe them away. “So where do we go from here?”
Pain flashes across his face and he shrugs. “I’m never going to change my mind. I don’t want to be a parent.”
My chest squeezes painfully, making it hard to breathe. “But—”
“We can keep going around with this, but nothing’s going to change. We want different things now, and honestly”—he looks me directly in the eye—“I love you too much to not make sure you get everything you want out of life.”
Somehow, that hurts more.
“But I want you.” I crawl toward him.
“Believe me, I want you too. More than anything.” He stares into my eyes and cups the side of my face. I lean into his warmth. “I went from the highest of highs when you said you wanted to be with me forever to the lowest of lows because I can’t give the woman I love what she wants. Not without resentment on my part.”
The word resentment is the needle that pops the balloon. I would never want him to resent me for pressuring him to do something he doesn’t really want.
I can’t do this. I can’t be here anymore.
I climb out of bed, grab my clothes from yesterday, and get dressed.
“Jana, you don’t have to run off,” Kane says from the bed.
I ignore him and rush out to the living area. The doorbell rings, but I grab my purse from the kitchen counter.
“Just wait, Jana.” Kane follows me toward the front door.
“It’s fine. I completely understand. I just need to be alone.” I open up the front door and Lee stands there.
“Oh shit, I knew it was early, but—”
“Hi, Lee. You came for the Cup. What a great brother you are. You two have fun.”
“Jana?” Lee asks, then looks into the house. “Seriously, bro. Put some damn pants on.”
I get in my car and peel out of his driveway. My tires squeal as I race far away as fast as I can. And somehow end up outside Paisley’s house.
Maksim opens the door, but I walk right past him and into Paisley’s waiting arms.
“What the hell just happened?” Lee walks into my house. “You two should’ve been on cloud nine. You could win the Cup tomorrow!”
I shake my head and go down the hall to my bedroom, ignoring the crushing pain in my chest. “Take Rocky out while I get dressed.”
Lee turns his attention to Rocky. “Come on, Rock, I wish you could tell me how your master fucked up. Grab your ball.”
I stop at the doorway to my bedroom. Taking in how it all went to shit. Why did I have to ask? Maybe I should have left it alone. I could’ve let us live in our love bubble and ignored that my gut was telling me something had changed.