“What did you do?” Jaren asked, moving a step closer.
Kiva’s mouth opened and shut, words failing her, because he knew exactly what she’d done. “I — Zuleeka — That night —”
Jaren cocked his head to the side. “Did you give your sister the amulet?”
Kiva jolted at the question, and then it was she who had to close her eyes, recalling the lies her sister had told in the River Room and the devastation on Jaren’s face. “No,” she answered, her voice turning hoarse. “I didn’t even know she’d stolen it from me. But —”
“Did you tell her about my magic, that I could wield all four elements?” Jaren interrupted, moving another step forward.
Kiva shifted backwards, but then she had to stop, the crevice too close behind her. “I —”
“Did you?” he pressed.
“No,” she said again. He’d trusted her with that secret, and she’d never told anyone, just as she’d promised.
“Did you help her steal the Book of the Law?”
Kiva curled in on herself, remembering how Tipp had been blamed for her sister’s actions. “No,” she rasped out.
He took another step toward her, his voice soft now. “Did you give her the dagger?”
This time Kiva could only stand there, shaking, and whisper, “Of course not. I had no idea what it was, or what it could do. I never wanted —” Her voice cracked, making her unable to finish.
But she didn’t have to, because Jaren was right in front of her now, whispering too as he asked, “Then why have you been blaming yourself for what happened?”
Kiva couldn’t stand to look into his tender, understanding eyes, knowing her heart wouldn’t handle what was sure to come once the shock of his near-death experience passed and he remembered everything she’d done, everything she was. Her lips wobbled as she said, “I told her about the Royal Ternary. You lost everything because of me.”
“Zuleeka didn’t give a damn about the Royal Ternary,” Jaren said. “You heard her that night — she’d always planned to get the Eye and use it on me. That was her goal. And she herself admitted that she’d been planning to take Evalon for years without knowing about the Ternary. The information you shared just gave her an added incentive to speed up her timeline.”
“It also gave her the means. Everything she did —”
“Was what she did,” Jaren interrupted firmly. “Zuleeka’s actions were not yours. Her choices were not yours. That night, your sister would have killed me if not for you. You saved my life. Why do you keep making yourself the villain in your own narrative?”
The question echoed in Kiva’s ears, but she couldn’t stop shaking her head, tears blurring her vision. Words were beyond her now, but Jaren wasn’t finished. He reached out to touch his fingers beneath her chin, tilting her head back until she had no choice but to look at him, his gaze steady on hers as he asked in a quiet voice full of meaning, “When are you going to see that I don’t blame you for what happened that night?”
“You do,” Kiva croaked, unable to let him forget. “You do, and you should.”
“I was angry,” Jaren said, still quietly. “I was hurt. And you were the easiest person for me to take that out on. That was wrong of me, and I’m sorry. But what I told you in the desert wasn’t true. And what you said when you were on angeldust —” This time it was his voice that cracked, his expression ravished, as he whispered, “Not once, even on my worst days, did I hate you. Hearing you say that, knowing you didn’t want to live —” The haunted look returned to his face. “I felt like I was being stabbed in the heart all over again.”
Even seeing the truth of his declaration, Kiva was too scared to believe him. “But I lied to you,” she whispered, her tears trickling steadily now, mixing with the sprinkles that were falling heavier around them. “You said — You said you fell in love with a lie.”
Jaren shifted forward until he was all she could see. “I did fall in love with a lie, but that lie was you. I fell in love with you, Kiva. I am in love with you. Then and now, nothing about that has changed — except now I know the real you.”
Kiva couldn’t listen, his words hurting too much. “Please, stop —” She held out her hand to keep him away, needing to remind him that he was wrong, needing to protect herself from the dangerous hope unfurling within her, like a flower opening beneath the sun. But there wasn’t enough room between them, and he grasped her fingers, pressing them to his chest, his strong hand covering hers.
“I was never angry that you lied to me,” Jaren said softly. “I was angry because you didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth.” His eyes were locked on hers, everything he was feeling clear for her to see. “Caldon knew all your secrets, and he still loved you. You never gave me that chance. After everything we’d been through together, you still didn’t trust me. That’s why I was so upset. Not because of everything else beyond your control, not even because of the mistakes you made. But because you never really let me in. I gave you every part of me, and I thought you gave me every part of you, but the whole time, I didn’t even know who you really were.”
Upon hearing his declaration, the ground shook beneath Kiva again, but it wasn’t the mountain this time. It was from the realization that she had a decision to make. She could keep running away from him, guarding her heart so as to never risk such pain again. Or she could give Jaren what he’d just given her: the truth, messy and broken as it was.
Inhaling shakily, Kiva made her choice.
“You did know who I was.” Her voice was so choked that it was a wonder he could hear her. She stared at his hand covering hers and forced herself to go on, “You knew me better than I knew myself. I was dead for ten years, and you breathed life back into me. You saved me. You freed me. You made me. And in showing me who you were, in sharing your family and your kingdom and your life with me, in sharing your heart with me, you gave me the strength to carve my own path.” More tears fell as she made herself look into his emotion-filled eyes and continue, “You’re right — I should have told you about me. But it wasn’t because I didn’t trust you. You made it impossible for me not to trust you. It’s just — I thought if I told you the truth, that I was torn between my family and yours —” Her voice broke, and she rasped, “I was afraid I would lose you.”
Jaren’s gaze was so intense that it almost burned, but she didn’t look away as she pushed aside the last of her fear to declare, “You helped me realize what I wanted, just by being you. You gave me the courage to say no to my sister and the rebels.” Her entire body was trembling now, but she made herself whisper, “I chose you, Jaren. I will always choose you. Because I love you, and I —”
Kiva didn’t get to finish before Jaren’s lips slammed down on hers, swallowing the rest of her words.
A surprised sound left her, but then her mind caught up to what was happening, urging her to hold on to him with a desperation that was rivaled by the force of his own embrace.
The kiss wasn’t gentle — it was fierce and bruising and full of everything they’d both repressed for weeks, for months. Kiva wound one hand around his back, sliding it beneath his pack, while the other moved up into his rain-damp hair, holding his face to hers. She couldn’t stop a sob from leaving her when they broke for air, too overwhelmed by all she was feeling, but then he was kissing her again, his tongue darting into her mouth, causing her to whimper against his lips. Her knees buckled, and he took her weight, their kiss deepening even further. A moan left him and slid down her throat, causing tingles of awareness to flood through her. Warmth pooled in her stomach, fire blazed across her skin, her body coming to life beneath his hands. She never wanted to let him go, she wasn’t even sure if she could —