Perhaps there was more shaping to do, more shifting and changing and spinning. More sunrises and sunsets to behold, for I had awakened from the nightmare. All I wanted now was peace and freedom. I knew where I would find it.
Another breeze gusted across the moonlit sea, so I stood up and raised the mainsail.
CHAPTER 33
OLIVIA
The sun was just coming up the next morning when I rose sleepily from bed, opened the sliding glass door in the hotel room, and stepped onto the balcony. The sea was aglow in the pink light of dawn. It was barely past six, but a young woman was on the beach doing handstands and cartwheels. I watched her for a few minutes and appreciated how carefree she looked.
Would I ever feel such lightheartedness again, after this trip to the other side of the world? I was still reeling from everything I had learned about Dean, and I had no idea how to move forward. Obviously, I longed to return home to Gabriel, but Rose wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Australia yet. For one thing, she wanted to spend more time with Susie, but mostly she wanted to see Dean again and reassure herself that he wasn’t going to take off like he did before and disappear without a trace.
We had talked about it over dinner the night before, and she admitted that she didn’t feel able to trust him. “How can I,” she asked, “after everything that happened in the past? I just don’t want him to disappoint me, Mom. I really hope he doesn’t.”
“I hope so too,” I replied.
Feeling a chill in the morning air, I went inside to take a shower. When I finished blow-drying my hair, I walked out of the bathroom and gently roused my daughter.
“Wake up, sleepyhead. The restaurant opens at seven, and I want waffles.”
Rose groaned and rolled over. “I’m still not used to this time change,” she said. “I wish we could sleep in.”
“You can sleep in when we get home,” I replied. “Today we’re going back to Brisbane.”
Rose sat up and rubbed her eye with her knuckle. “Okay, but I need to shower. Can I meet you in the restaurant?”
“Sure. Just don’t fall back to sleep.”
“I won’t.”
I waited until I heard the shower running before I gathered up my purse and headed downstairs. I was just crossing the lobby when a young man at the reception desk spoke to me.
“Good morning, Mrs. Morrison,” he said. “There’s a letter here for you.” He retrieved it from under the counter and held it out.
“Who’s it from?” I asked as I approached.
“I’m not sure,” he replied. “It was dropped off late last night.”
I accepted the envelope and read my name, which was scrawled with a black Sharpie. The penmanship was achingly familiar, like something out of a past life, and it caused my heart to beat at triple speed.
“Thank you,” I said as I turned and made my way to one of the sofas in the lobby.
I sat down and felt a little dazed as I broke the seal and removed the handwritten letter. My body filled with dread.
Dear Olivia,
I am writing to say thank you. Thank you for finding me again. Thank you for crossing the world with Rose to get the closure you needed. And though it was painful for me to see you on the dock today, and to face up to everything I did, it needed to happen.
I also want to say that I’m sorry for all the pain and grief that I caused you. Yesterday, I told you that I had wanted to protect you from my nightmare, which was true, but that makes it seem like a selfless act—that there was some nobility in what I did—but the truth is, I was a coward. I’ve always known that. It was fear that drove me to flee. Perhaps also, subconsciously, I wanted to erase my life and the person I was and start over with a clean slate. But that meant I had to erase you, too, which was the greatest loss and worst mistake of my life. Worse than anything else.
But enough explaining. No more excuses. I am resolved to let go of my past and move forward. I thought, mistakenly, when I married you that I was moving forward, away from the life and misdeeds I wanted so desperately to leave behind, but I wasn’t able to do that. Not while I was carrying a secret inside me. There was no escaping from that.
So, I will assure you now—because I want nothing but truth between us from this day forward—I will never run away again. I want Rose to know where I am if she ever wants to see me. Susie, too. You know the truth now, so there is no more fear. I’m no longer afraid of going to prison. I want my nightmare to end, and the only true way to be free of it is to confess everything and pay the price I should have paid all those years ago. You and Rose are more important than anything that’s going to happen to me now. I want a chance to earn back your respect, and to give you some sense of resolution about the past.
For the first time ever, writing this letter to you, I feel at peace, more at peace than I ever was. You saved me once, years ago. You showed me what love was supposed to look like. And you have saved me again by encouraging me to face the truth.
I am now on my way to the police station. I don’t know what will happen to me after that. I only know that I am grateful to have loved you, and that is something I will never regret. Please tell Rose that I am here for her if she ever wants to see me. I don’t want to miss any more days of being her father, even if it’s from behind bars for some of them. I’m not afraid anymore.
Sincerely,
Dean
As soon as I finished reading the letter, I let the tears fall. I stopped fighting the stubborn inclination to control my emotions or to bury them beneath my anger. Instead, I allowed myself to remember the love I once felt for Dean, and I cried openly and nakedly in the lobby of the hotel. I cried for the reopened wounds on my heart, but I also cried for Dean and what lay ahead of him. I cried for what could have been.
When I finally recovered from that fresh flood of grief, I slipped the letter into my purse and stood up to go to breakfast. I would sit down at a table and wait for Rose to arrive, and then I would show her the letter so that she would know she was loved. She would know that she could trust the father who had not been there for her, until now.
As for me, I had known for a long time that I was loved and that I could trust in that love. It was a forever love. A mature love. A love that had never let me down. I was a lucky woman, and all I wanted to do now was go home to my husband and tell him that he was everything to me.
EPILOGUE
OLIVIA
New York, 2017
The sultry sound of Gabriel’s saxophone reached me from the basement window. I sat back on my heels in the yard, raised my face to the clear, blue October sky, and felt the warmth of the sun on my cheeks.
It had been five years since Rose had brought news of a half sister we hadn’t known existed. It was remarkable how life could continuously unfold over time with surprises and changes, sometimes for the better. Sometimes not. But always, it was an adventure in its unfolding.
Rose was now a registered nurse. She worked daytime shifts in the OR at Mount Sinai. Susie was there as well, working in obstetrics—a result of her decision to join Rose in New York for the same nursing program. They had found an apartment together, close to the hospital, and were best friends as well as sisters.
As for Dean, he was serving time at a correctional facility in upstate New York, where he led group therapy sessions with fellow prisoners. Rose visited him now and again. She always brought news of him and told us that he was doing well. I wished only the best for him, and I believed with all my heart that with each new day, he was finding his way closer to some form of absolution and freedom from the past.