But I also knew me. And him.
I knew us.
If we put it off, we might never have it.
“Look,” I started, taking a deep breath. “It’s fine, okay? Really. It’s okay. I’ll be leaving the club. I won’t be bothering you anymore. You can move on.” Each word was like a knife to my still-aching heart. But they needed to be said. I needed to let him go. Once and for all.
“No.”
“What?” I asked, looking over at him.
“I said no.”
“No, what?”
“No, I don’t accept any of that,” he said. “First, it’s not fine. Or okay. None of this is fine or okay. And I am well aware that it is my fault.”
“We don’t have to do that part,” I said, tone a little desperate, not sure my heart could handle it, or that I was strong enough to get through that part of the whole situation.
“There’s no way to talk about the present part without talking about the past part,” he reasoned.
“You left. What is there to talk about?” I asked.
“How about the why?”
“Why,” I snorted, running my hand through my hair. “Because you didn’t love me like I loved you.” Meaning hopelessly.
“That’s the part that I need to clarify,” he said, taking a deep breath, then instantly regretting it, judging by the way he winced.
He might have avoided broken ribs, but he had some nasty bruises all up and down his torso. And, I suspected, his thighs and ass, though he hadn’t been open to the idea of having the rest of him looked at. The liquor might have helped take the edge off, but he had to still be hurting.
“Seriously. You need to be resting,” I insisted.
“No, actually. See, when I was dangling from that chain back there and Curtis was experimenting on ways to make me suffer, all I could do to keep from screaming was escaping into my head. Into memories of you,” he told me.
I didn’t want my heart to leap. It was so risky to be so exposed to him. But there was no stopping it from happening either.
“We had some good times,” I said, glad that my voice came out a bit cool, not wanting him to know how good those times had been for me.
“Baby,” he said, shaking his head. “We had the fucking best times.”
There was no denying that.
“We did,” I agreed. “And then we didn’t anymore.”
“Listen,” Valen said, leaning a bit toward me. “We were kids. I was so fucking in love with you that it terrified me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe when you weren’t around, like I couldn’t think straight.”
“So you left because you were scared about how you felt toward me?” I asked.
“I know, as full-grown fucking adults that sounds ridiculous as fuck, but as a kid fresh out of high school? It seemed to make sense to me. It felt like I couldn’t exist without you. And I just… I don’t know, Lulu. I was scared that I genuinely couldn’t. So I… set out to do it. To exist. I don’t think I meant to stay away. But as soon as I got a couple of states away, I realized how much I’d fucked up. And that there was no going back. You never would have forgiven me for doing that.”
“I would have,” I told him. “I loved you just as much. I would have forgiven you anything.”
“Exactly,” he said, nodding. “Think about that for a second.”
“Yeah,” I had to agreed, exhaling hard. “I mean, I see your point. It was… overpowering.”
“It was unhealthy,” he clarified. “You, strong, confident, amazing you, would have forgiven me for… anything?”
He was right.
I would have. And slowly, little by little, I would start becoming less strong, less confident, and less amazing because of it. I would have shrank to a vague facsimile of the girl I’d been before. And then what? What would that have meant for my future? For our future?
“Think about it. What would have it been like ten or twenty years down the road if we’d stayed together? Let’s face it, before long, we’d have been expecting. I’d have gotten a ‘real job’ until I was old enough to prospect. You would have been home alone with the kids all day. Neither of us would have traveled, seen the world, experienced different things the world had to offer. Shit we both really wanted to do. And then what? All that resentment would build up and ruin what used to be so good between us.”
“Divorced and bitter,” I said, easily able to picture just that scenario.
I believed in big, epic love.
We were both surrounded by it in Navesink Bank.
But maybe the reason that worked for all the people we knew were because they’d had their life experiences first. They spent some time figuring out who they were and what they did—and didn’t—want from their futures.
“I’m not saying I don’t have regrets, baby. I’m fucking full of them. I never meant to hurt you. Honestly, I think I figured you would be pissed, not so hurt. But your ma, she made it perfectly clear how much you were hurting when I left.”
“The anger came after. And I’m not sure it ever really went away,” I admitted. “Until I thought I might not ever see you again.”
“Are we getting back to you berating me for being stupid and reckless? I got a lot of aches and pains to remind me, you know,” he said, giving me a small smile.
“You really were stupid and reckless,” I reminded him.
“Yeah, I realized that about the moment the van doors closed,” I admitted. “Never thought anyone would be able to find me. Never should have doubted your stubborn ass, though.”
“It helps that you’re sentimental.”
“How so?”
“It didn’t take much to get into your phone,” I explained. “Once we got into that, we did some digging. Uselessly. Until, eventually, Nave saved the day and texted Curtis acting like some horny chick he’d hooked up with in the past.”
“Can always count on a guy’s dick to give him up,” Valen said, smirking. “Speaking of…”
“Oh, my God. We are not fucking right now,” I said, getting a chuckle out of him. “You’re injured. And I’m tired.”
“I mean, I wouldn’t turn that down, regardless of how sore I am. But that’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean?” I asked, not able to hold back a yawn.
“I mean, we need to talk about the future. Including my dick,” he added.
“I think you had too much whiskey.”
“No, that was just my indelicate way of getting to my point. About how I think I got enough life experience. And I think you did too. So, what do you think about giving it another go?”
“It,” I repeated.
“This. Us. You can’t pretend that we haven’t been building toward something again.”
“I’ve been doing nothing but denying that, actually,” I said, sharing a smile with him.
“Do you want to be with me?” Valen asked.
“I’ve never… not wanted to be with you,” I said, getting a head shake from him.
“You could just say it, you know, Lulu.”