Great, I’m crying now. I close my eyes as the tears leak out the sides of my eyes. I don’t think my grip on his hand could get tighter, yet it does. I bury my nose in Vance’s hair and control my breathing as Nico continues.
“Okay,” Nico says, letting out a long rush of breath. “When I was seven years old, I was diagnosed with atypical autism.” A murmur moves through the crowd, but I know if I look up or even try to see what is happening, I may get more upset. “Since autism doesn’t go away, I am standing before you as an adult with autism who plays in the National Hockey League. I want everyone, no matter who you are, no matter your diagnosis or your disability, to know you are worthy. To know you can do anything you want to do. If I can do it, you can.” He looks down at Aviva, and she smiles widely at him. He then looks at me, and thankfully, I don’t cry as I hold his gaze. He winks once more before turning to the mic and asking, “Any questions?”
And boy, there are a lot, but with the grace and the strength that Aviva has taught me, I listen as he answers them, proud of who he is. I am in awe of him, and I love him more than I can ever describe. For so long, I thought all I wanted was a father figure, and then Nico came along and took on the role himself, no matter that he struggles daily.
And that only makes me prouder of him and love him even more than I love myself.
two
Evan
“So, let me get this straight because I’m confused.”
I can’t help but smirk at my brother Owen’s statement. He’s always confused, and it makes me miss him more and more. There haven’t been many moments in my life when we’ve been apart. He’s my best friend, my brother, my twin, and—not to sound sappy—my other half. I would do anything for him, which is why making the choice to leave the NHL and come home was harder than anyone could ever imagine. Not only was I walking away from a sport I loved, but I would be leaving my brother, letting him down. I couldn’t handle it anymore, though, and thankfully, Owen wanted me to be healthy. Mentally and physically.
I don’t want to think of my failures right now. So instead, I ignore them and shake my head. “What about what I’ve said is making you confused?”
“This whole thing you’ve got going on!” he exclaims, laughter in his voice. “You’re going to be the resident adviser for the Bellevue Bullies’ boys’ hockey house, but you’ll be the women’s gymnastics student athletic trainer?”
I nod even though he can’t see me. As I walk through the parking lot of the University of Bellevue, I’m nervous and scared, but excited for my new journey. I may not be able to play on the ice in the sport I love, but I’m hoping to finish my degree so I can still stay connected to hockey. I’ve always struggled with anxiety when it comes to my performance on the ice. When I was younger, it was easy to ignore; I just followed Owen and did what he did. I got by without anyone, even Owen, knowing I wasn’t in it to win, I guess you can say. I was going through the motions because it was expected of me.
We’re a hockey family.
My dad, Shea Adler, is being inducted into the Hall of Fame as the best defensemen of his draft class. My mom, Elli Adler, took her Nashville Assassins, the same team where she met my dad, to so many Stanley Cups I can’t even remember. My sisters both played hockey. Now, Shelli has taken over the GM position of the Assassins. Posey is the first female special teams head coach for the Assassins. Owen plays for the IceCats, where he’s killing it. And then there’s the baby, Quinn. While he didn’t play hockey much, he’s a genius, and he is graduating this year with a degree in sports physical therapy to focus on working with the injuries of hockey players.
As I said, we’re a hockey family.
But then there is me.
Scared of the ice. Scared of failure.
I don’t want to get lost in my thoughts, so once more, I ignore them to explain my situation to my brother. “Yes. This isn’t hard, Owen,” I tease as I start my car to head back to my parents’. I need to start packing since I’m moving in to the Bullies’ house tomorrow.
“Why can’t you be the student athletic trainer for the hockey team?”
“Because it was taken.”
“But the RA wasn’t?”
I know his annoyance is only out of care for me. He treats me like we’re not twins but he’s the older one instead. He doesn’t want me here, doing this. He wants me to be there with him, on the ice, together. “Guess not. I mean, in all reality, I’m lucky they’re even letting me do anything. I haven’t ever been on campus, only online, and they were very accommodating. Even with me coming in halfway through the semester. Pretty sure Mom made some calls.”
He doesn’t agree. “They’re lucky you even want to come to their busted-ass school. You didn’t even have to go to any school to be drafted. They need you.”
My brother leaves me speechless more than I care to admit. His cockiness knows no bounds. “Wow. Okay, Owen. Thanks, but I’m all right with it.”
“You sure you don’t want to come play hockey with me instead? I can move some of Angie’s plants so we can make room for you.”
I laugh to hide the fact that I can’t tell him the thought of touching the ice scares the living shit out of me. “No, I’m kind of excited for this, and Angie would kill you if you moved her plants.”
“You’re right. Don’t tell her I said that.”
We share a laugh as I lean back in my seat as I drive. I love Angie, and I am stoked they’re getting married. They make a good match, and also, she was so supportive when I was going through the decision-making process of walking away from the NHL.
“I won’t say a word.”
He sighs hard. “Are you sure you don’t want to come back?”
“Owen, this is good for me. I can mold young hockey minds.”
“You’re gonna be their babysitter, making sure they don’t get drunk or get anyone pregnant.”
I laugh. “Probably, but it’ll be fun. Plus, Mom will be happy ’cause Benny will be taken care of.”
Benson Jeannot has been living with us since last Christmas as my mom’s newest billet kid, though he lives on campus during the school year. Ever since all us kids have moved out, she has been taking in billet kids left and right. Benny, though, Mom loves him and won’t let him leave. Mostly because he doesn’t have anywhere to go. His family kind of disowned him when he decided to play hockey in America and not for the Canadian league like his whole family had. He’s a good kid, real smart, and is adored by my mom. We joke she’s replaced us with him. We know it’s not true, but it’s funny to tease her.
“I guess. But still, I feel like you need more. I mean, you are a pro player.”
“Was,” I correct, and he sighs once more.
“You can come back. You know you can.”
I don’t know. “I promise, I’m good with this.”
“But gymnastics? Come on, Ev, you don’t know shit about gymnastics.” Before I can answer, he continues, “Then again, hot girls in bathing suits could be fun.”
I roll my eyes. My brother is a ladies’ man. Well, he was until Angie came along. “It’s called a leotard, and I will be professional.”