“You mean… You’re not going ask me if this is what I really want?”
“Of course I will. When we get to that. But I’m not here to judge you, Rory. I’m here to help you. Believe it or not, most of the men who donate their sperm don’t want us to just give it out willy-nilly. They want to make sure that whoever gets inseminated is serious and wants a child. We actually see a lot of married couples.”
“Married couples?”
“Of course. Sometimes the man is infertile, so the couple will get a sperm donation from another man who shares physical characteristics with the husband.”
“Sure. Of course, that makes sense. I guess I just thought… I don’t know what I thought. I’m too much inside my own head right now.”
“I totally understand. Would it help if you knew that I’m also a single mother? That I was inseminated by one of our donors?”
“Really?”
“Yes. I’m not married, and I was in a situation kind of like yours, although I’m a bit older. I’m thirty-five now, and I was thirty-three when I gave birth to my daughter.”
“How did the experience go for you?”
“I now work here as a counselor, so that’s the best answer to your question. It’s been an amazing experience. I love being a mother.”
“Do you plan on ever being in a relationship?”
“Perhaps. If I meet someone who I love and who I want to spend my life with. But like you, I didn’t really want to wait around before I could be a mother.”
“So you do understand.”
“Of course I do. Now, let’s get back to basics. Have you had a chance to look at our website?”
“I have. And I’ve looked through some of the potential donors.”
“What are you looking for in a donor?”
“Good genes, I guess.”
“All our donors have that in abundance.”
“I guess… I don’t mean to sound full of myself or anything, but I would like the child to look like me, so I’m looking for a man who shares my characteristics. Dark hair, dark eyes. Average height.”
“Average height for a man is five feet nine inches.”
“Then tall. Something over six feet. Wait, I’m sorry. I mean someone. Someone over six feet.”
“Good. Good for you. You’re thinking in terms of people, not sperm.”
“I’m trying to.”
“That’s good. It’s important to know that even though our donors have relinquished all parental rights to any of their offspring, they are still people. They may have genetic issues that we don’t know about, that our testing didn’t show.”
“What are you saying? Are you going to make me sign a release form stating that I won’t sue you in case my kid has a problem?”
“Actually, that’s exactly what I’m going to tell you. But we’re getting way ahead of ourselves.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because my job here is to counsel you. To make sure you’re actually ready to have a child.”
“And you think that’s any of your business?”
“Rory, I’m assuming you chose this clinic for a reason. There are others out there who don’t require any counseling before insemination. We don’t take that approach here.”
I rise. “Maybe it’s better if I go somewhere else, then.”
“Or… Maybe it’s better if you wait on this.”
“You don’t know me at all.”
“You’re right. I don’t. Which is why I made the suggestion. You don’t seem to want to go through our process, and that’s certainly your prerogative. There are plenty of clinics out there who will just sell you a vial of sperm. They may sell you an at-home insemination kit as well. We don’t do that here. We treat this as a process. We’re not satisfied just to inseminate a woman. We want to make sure that the baby we’re helping to bring into the world is born into a loving environment, to a parent who’s ready for it.”
I tamp down the anger that rises. Davey is only doing her job.
“I am ready for it. I was born ready for it. I’ve wanted to be a mother since… Well, since I can remember.”
“And you don’t want to wait and see if you meet someone, to share this process with him?”
“My last two serious relationships were with women,” I say.
“Don’t you want to see if you fall in love and share the process with her, then?”
“I’m bisexual, Davey.” Apparently her radar isn’t as good as mine.
“I see. Then perhaps you’ll fall in love with a man, and you can do this process the natural way.”
“Don’t you think I’ve been through all of this in my own head? My last girlfriend was a few years younger than I am. If our relationship had lasted, she would’ve carried our child, not me. I’m getting too old.”
“You’re not that old. But you know all this. I’m afraid I can’t recommend you for insemination at this time.”
“You’ve got a lot of nerve. You can’t recommend me?”
“If you’re familiar with our website, as you said you were, you’d know our process. We don’t just sell sperm. Some of our donors want to be involved in their offspring’s life. Some of them don’t. Have you decided how you’d like this to work? Do you want a donor that is in your child’s life? Do you want your child to be able to find their biological father if they wish to?”
I swallow.
“Just as I thought. I’m not trying to be disrespectful, Rory. Truly I’m not. But if you haven’t given all these things some thought, you’re just not ready for this.”
I turn then. I turn without saying thank you. Without saying anything. I walk away from Davey, who isn’t nearly as attractive to me now. And I walk away from Western Slope Family Planning.
My next stop is a drugstore. Where I buy an ovulation kit. I’m not sure the pharmacy in Snow Creek even sells ovulation kits, but if they do, I can’t be seen buying it there. People will talk.
People always talk.
I tamp down the feeling that Davey is right, that I’m not as ready for this as I think I am.
I want a child, damn it. And I want it with Brock.
He hasn’t called me.
So what? Maybe I’ll call him.
And damn it, I will get him into bed with me.
Chapter Eighteen
Brock
“I did some research,” Dale says, handing Donny and me each a face mask. “This will help with the smell.”
“Oh?” I say.
“Yeah. It’s made with activated charcoal, which will catch the organic vapors caused by the rotting flesh. It will help us get through this without puking our guts out.”
“Right.” He’s talking about me, of course. I’m the one who retched last time. Dale and Donny are stronger than I am.
They’ve been through so much more.
We’ve unloaded the ladders already, along with the tools. Now, all that’s left is to enter the barn, take down the ceiling, and—