“Lot of good it did me. Three weeks later I got a text that said she couldn’t wait and she broke up with me.”
“Man, that’s harsh.” And it explained a lot.
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
I wouldn’t want to either, but one day we will. “Okay, then tell me something else about yourself.”
“I hate being told what to do.”
“That’s a good one, and it wasn’t so hard. Was it?” Dare got the rest of the tools out of the truck and carried them over to the fence. “Most people don’t like being told what to do. What bothers you most about it?”
“I don’t know. Everything. Teachers talk to us like we’re stupid. My parents look at me like I’m some kind of alien, and they talk like it’s still the olden days. They’re always saying stuff like, When I was in school. Well, guess what, old man. That was a hundred years ago.”
“People tend to draw from what they know, and that’s usually taken from their own experiences. You can’t fault them for that.”
“But they don’t get it. I’ve told them a million times that school’s not the same as it was when they were my age.”
Dare knew that Kenny’s grades had been solid before he moved, but if he’d learned one important thing working with teens, it was that when they brought something up, there was a reason. “Have you tried to explain to them why it’s not?”
“What do you mean? It’s just not.”
“There have to be reasons. Lots of parents feel like they don’t know their teenagers, and kids feel like their parents won’t ever understand them—”
“I know mine won’t.”
“They can’t unless you communicate effectively with them. When I was your age, if my parents were talking to me, I was thinking about the next thing I wanted to do, like seeing my friends or riding dirt bikes.”
His eyes lit up. “You rode dirt bikes?”
“Yes, but that’s not the point.”
“But it’s cool.”
“Yeah, it is, and we can talk about that another time. The point is, if your father was here trying to talk to you, even though you’re about to fix another fence, you’re probably thinking about getting your homework done to keep Dwight off your back and playing video games tonight.”
“Nope. I’m thinking about dirt bikes.”
Dare laughed, earning a genuine smile from Kenny. “I like your honesty, but here’s the point. When your parents are trying to talk to you, your mind might wander, so you probably give them stilted answers like it’s not the same. But your parents probably aren’t sidetracked. They’re solely focused on you, so while you’re arguing about school being different, they’re looking for answers about the son they love and trying to figure out how to help you.”
“Well, they’re not going to help by asking the same stupid questions a hundred times.”
“Believe it or not, you’re in control of that.”
“No, I’m not,” he snapped.
“Hear me out. It’s up to your parents to ask the right questions and listen when you say your piece, right?”
“Yeah, and…?”
“This is where the control comes in. It’s up to you to try to explain with more than a cursory answer, so they can fully understand where you’re coming from. Let me give you an example. You fail a test, and your parents say you don’t study enough, and they back that up by drawing on their own experience and saying they used to study for hours.”
“They say that all the time.”
“And how do you respond?”
“I tell them that I study enough, and then we fight because they don’t get it. School is harder here than it was back home.”
“Then you need to tell them that.”
“They’ll just say study longer.”
“Maybe they will. But if you feel like that’s not going to help, you could answer their study-time comment with reasons, like how the internet has made it easier to do research and learn different subjects, so it takes less time. But then you have to also tell them that the classes are harder and you need some extra help.”
“I don’t want their help.”
“Why not?”
“Because they talk down to me. They treat me like I’m stupid.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way. Unfortunately, a lot of parents don’t realize how things come across to kids, and vice versa.” He thought about his miscommunication with Billie when they were teenagers and wished he’d known then what he knew now. “We can work on fixing that together by finding a respectful way to tell them how you feel.”
Kenny stole a glance at him, as if he was thinking about it, but said nothing.
“In the heat of the moment with friends, parents, and teachers, instinct drives us to defend ourselves any way we can, as fast as we can. But if you take a few seconds before responding to think about what the other person really needs to know in order to understand your side, and instead of arguing yes, I dos against no, you don’ts, you communicate the real issues, things just might come out in your favor. Everything doesn’t have to be an argument. But if you want them to respect your opinions, you have to communicate effectively and show them respect, too.”
Kenny lowered his eyes.
“Showing respect starts with looking at the people who are talking to you, even when it’s difficult.”
Kenny met his gaze.
Dare gave a curt nod of approval. “Your parents deserve respect. I know it feels like they made decisions just to spite you, but moving was not an easy decision for them.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I talked with them the other day when they called to make sure you were okay.” He saw something in Kenny’s eyes that looked a lot like he was glad they’d checked on him. “Did you know your father had tried for months to find work closer to your old home after he was laid off?”
Kenny shook his head. “I didn’t know he was laid off.”
“That’s not surprising. Your father’s job is to take care of his family, and he couldn’t do that where you used to live, so he did what he had to. I know it sucks, especially given what happened with you and your girlfriend, but I would hope that if you ever become a father, you’d make sure you could support your family, too.”
“I’d find another way. I’d never make my kid move away from all his friends.”
Dare understood his point of view, but he also knew the harsh reality that life didn’t always turn out the way one hoped. One day Kenny would understand that, too. “Have you talked to that girl since you broke up? What was her name?”
“Katie. She won’t talk to me.”
“I’m guessing that’s why you stole the car the first time?”
“I just wanted to see her so I could talk to her,” he said angrily.
“Did you think you could win her back?”
He shrugged.
“We can talk about that more when you’re ready, and maybe after you’ve figured out a few things, you can call her so you can get some closure there.”