I’m worth it—the fight, the effort, the trouble—I promise.
“Look, I thought I loved you. I thought I could cope with you not saying it back to me. But then I met someone . . . and I realized that what you gave me just isn’t enough.” Josh hangs his head for a beat before looking back up to me. “Goodbye, Ellery.”
I watch him leave when I want to beg him to stay. His broad shoulders. His tall frame. Then the closed door itself.
I love you.
I loved you.
I forced myself to believe when the thought suffocated me. I allowed myself to think of possibility before the fear.
I let you in, Josh.
I let myself hope.
I let myself believe.
I let myself love.
Even when I was terrified of loving because I know the pain that comes with it.
I let myself love.
I thought maybe this time would prove different. That I was worthy of the love everyone talks about. That everyone gets to experience.
But clearly, I’m not.
“I realized that what you gave me just isn’t enough.”
I’m done. Broken. Sure, my mom was strong enough to try to love again, but I’m not her. She only lost my dad.
I lost him.
Then her.
And now Josh.
Love leads to loss, even when you try your hardest.
And especially when you’re someone like me.
“I thought I loved you. I thought I could cope with you not saying it back to me. But then I met someone . . .”
He’s right. He deserves the love I can’t give him freely. The same love that is a double-edged sword for me. I can’t fault him for wanting more.
For leaving me.
I tried.
I opened myself up and really tried.
Lesson learned.
Just like everything else in my life I’ve ever loved . . . it’s gone.
Never again.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Ford
“So what’s the real reason you decided to fly out here and visit me today?” I ask, cutting straight to the point we’ve been tiptoeing around for the last few hours.
I was shocked to hell to look up and see both Ledger and Callahan standing in the foyer of the inn, assessing the progress.
We only tag-team when shit’s serious. Don’t they know I know that? And they’re tag-teaming me.
What’s the fucking deal?
Why are they here? Because they sure as fuck haven’t let on as to the why during the tour of the site. Nor during the lunch they pulled me away for. And definitely not during our catch-up session where Callahan bragged about his daughter and Ledger puffed his chest at his soon-to-be born son.
Lord help us that soon there’ll be a miniature Ledger running around. One is more than enough.
The two of them look at each other and then back out to the ocean beyond from where we stand on the balcony bar. Neither will look at me.
They are so obvious it’s ridiculous. “Which one of you is the good cop, huh?” I ask.
“Isn’t it enough that we just want to see our brother?” Callahan asks, his smile unconvincing.
That tone. I know it, and I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him.
“You’re the one playing good cop?” I bark out a laugh and nudge Ledger. “Seriously? Callahan?” Callahan lifts a middle finger my way. I shake my head in return. “So what gives, since clearly the two of you are here for a reason?”
“You’re not answering our calls,” Ledger says. Always all business. I’m surprised it’s taken him this long to get to the point.
“I answer plenty of them.” Just not the ones I don’t want to deal with.
“I’ll rephrase. You’re being selective in which calls, which texts, you respond to. Is that better?” Ledger asks.
“You know you missed us,” Callahan says.
“I did. I always do. Sometimes. Except for when you’re bullshitting me. Which is now.” So much for having each other’s backs. Sure, we went through some struggles a few years back, but once Callahan got his shit together and lost the chip on his shoulder, I was certain we were headed in the right direction again. That we were there for each other. But now . . . now there’s this. The biography. Their disregard for how it has affected me. And now we’re right back to the animosity, to the agitation, and fuck if I have a clue how to fix it. The last thing I want is for them to bring it all here. It’s about time they head back home. “Get to the point. I’ve got shit to do.”
“I’m sure you do.” Callahan snorts.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Testy. Testy,” Ledger says as he crosses his arms and studies me.
“And off come the gloves,” Callahan mutters.
“Let me guess. We need to show a unified front and do a press tour for the book. Heaping praise while having fake smiles plastered on our faces,” I say.
“Well, on the whole, the book is good,” Ledger says. “Neither of you said otherwise when you received your advanced copies.”
“You’re fucking kidding me,” I mutter. Has he not been listening to me? Has he not been hearing me when I speak?
“No. I’m not. We don’t have to like every single sentence in there, but overall, it was a fair representation of who Dad was. The man he was. Why wouldn’t we want to praise it? To promote his legacy? It’s not like the author fabricated a bunch of bullshit. These are Dad’s words. It’s a living piece of history that’s allowed us to get to know more about him. It’s a way for our kids to see the man he was in his own words. Do you not see that?”
I clench my fists and scrunch my nose.
I see it.
Of course, I see it and understand it and find truth in everything he just said.
But doesn’t that make the sting even sharper? Ledger’s kids will know about his dedication to be just like their grandfather. Callahan’s will learn about his rebellious ways but how my father admired that streak in him.
And mine? Mine will know their dad as Just Ford. The man who was so unremarkable his father didn’t have much to say about him. And because of Mom’s words from long ago, it’s Dad’s opinion of me—or lack thereof—that is tearing me down. And nothing I do can change that now. He’s gone. I don’t get a second chance.
“I see it, all right. I see it and then some. The problem is you’re not seeing it either. Or rather, you’re not seeing what’s not there.” He holds my glare and gives a slow nod. “Discussion over. Call Miguel to fire up the chopper. I’ve got a shitload of work to do, and I’m sure you’re about ready to head home. You came all this way for nothing.”
Callahan’s chuckle is low and taunting. “Not exactly for nothing. I mean, it’s good to know we were right about one thing.”
“Let it rest, Callahan,” Ledger warns.
If they wanted my attention, they sure as fuck have it now.
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“C’mon, man. The sexual tension between you two is so fucking thick it’s muggy in here.”
“There’s nothing there,” I groan. We were around Ellery for a whole twenty minutes. There’s no way they noticed anything. He’s bluffing. Plain and fucking simple. “Nice try, though.”