“Did you see us together?”
“Yeah.” She bites her cheek. “He was holding your hair in the bathroom while you puked.”
I rub a hand over my face. “Classy.”
This is worse than I thought.
Did I kiss him?
Or maybe I just grabbed him and imagined the rest?
The barista slides our coffee and tea over, and we take our drinks.
“I think I humiliated myself in front of him last night,” I say under my breath.
Jules reaches for the door, holding it. “If it makes you feel better, I practically had to kick him out. He didn’t want to leave without you.”
In class, I try to focus on the professor’s lecture, but my brain keeps drifting to last night.
What the hell was real and what parts did I dream?
Getting blackout drunk to avoid my problems isn’t a great look. And more than that, I’m ashamed of what I did.
I need to grow up.
If I put even a sliver of the energy Daniel puts into his career, I could have a great job coming out of school.
At the end of the hour, other students get up from their seats, and I scramble to finish up my note-taking.
My professor takes her time packing up her things, and by the time I’m finished, we’re the only two there.
I head up the aisle, and set my bag on the first row of desks next to her lectern.
“Yes, Kat?”
“Grad school. I want to go.”
“Because you want the couch from Restoration Hardware.” She shoulders her bag.
“If I’m supposed to have some vision statement at twenty-two, I guess I missed that class. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, Professor. All I know is I want to do something. To make a difference. Maybe not to the entire world, but to someone.”
I take a breath, feeling exposed. But if I’ve dumped too much on her, my prof doesn’t let on.
“Applications will be due soon, depending on the school,” she says. “Where are you planning to attend?”
I list off a few names. “I don’t know if my grades are high enough.”
“Have you considered Russell?”
“Here,” I echo.
“The graduate school program will prepare you for work as a therapist. But you need a strong application. Not only grades, but reference letters. The entire package.”
Hope surges through me. “Would you be a reference?”
“Get your application together by the end of the week, and then we’ll talk.”
I wait until she’s halfway to the door before doing a fistpump.
14
DANIEL
There are things worth forgetting.
A shitty day.
The internet password at the house you no longer live in.
Your name, when you’re so wrapped up in someone you can’t think.
But Kat forgot I kissed her.
It’s an ego blow.
The way she looked up at me this morning, blank-faced…
Evidently, I didn’t realize how drunk she was last night, which makes the way I acted even more inexcusable.
But I did learn one thing.
She wants me as much as I want her.
“Dad, look!”
I force myself to focus on my kid, beaming, and the decades-old machine in front of him.
New high score. The words blink up from the pinball machine.
“That’s awesome.”
I chastise myself for being distracted.
Everything I’m doing is for Andy. Now that we have an entire day together, I’m spacing out over an attraction.
Okay, an obsession.
“Step aside. I’ll show you how it’s done.”
I flex my fingers, more to make him laugh. “Did I tell you I used to play every week at this arcade? I blew my allowance every week for a year.”
“You must have been bad if you had to spend that much money to play.”
I reach over to mess up his hair. “More like you get more allowance than I did.”
He laughs, looking entirely free and happy.
I feed a quarter into the slot and get ready for the ball to drop.
The next minute, I’m dialed in. Everything is reduced to the silver ball and its trajectories.
I’m controlling the paddles, flicking just in time to keep the thing aloft and out of the slot at the bottom that means sudden death.
It’s bliss. I forgot how much fun this was.
Andy gasps when it comes close.
“This place is the best. You never brought me before. We haven’t played games in a long time.”
He’s right.
There’s a lot we haven’t done in a long time.
“I bet Kat’s good at pinball. She loves to play games. Snakes and Ladders. Twister…”
Heat forms low in my gut at the reminder of that night.
“You like Kat a lot.”
“She’s the best.”
My phone rings, and the number on the display makes my abs tighten. I pass Andy another quarter as I step away to answer.
“Daniel. How are you?”
“Fine, Mary. And you?” My voice is warm but careful, matching hers.
It’s a dance we’ve done since her daughter died and she blamed me for it.
When my wife got sick, I did the best I could, but best is a fucked-up word. Having a person you love fall ill when you can’t control any of it feels like you’re walking a tightrope.
Every day, something or someone tries to rip you off it.
Every day you survive, you wake up on the same tightrope, and your only option is to keep moving forward.
“You must be exhausted with the fall semester. It was always the busiest time for both of you.”
A dull ache sets up in my stomach, a bittersweet knot of emotion. “I’ve hired help this year. A nanny.”
“From an agency?”
“She’s a psych student. A friend of a friend.”
A pause. “You have interesting friends.”
There’s nothing overtly threatening about her words, but I’m reminded I can’t trust her.
“It’s been so long since we’ve had Andy for a weekend. We’d love to have him, and it will give you and your nanny a couple nights off.”
“I’ll think about it.”
We finish the pleasantries and I hang up.
When a new text message comes in, it makes my heart speed up in a good way.
Kat: Come home hungry. I’m making dinner.
It’s so normal.
As if last night never happened.
“Shoot! Just missed it.” Andy cries as he finishes his game.
I tuck the phone away. “What do you think. Played enough pinball for one day?”
“Nooo! I don’t want today to end.”
His bright eyes are full of delight, but underneath, I can sense him running out of steam.
“I’m glad you’re having fun. There’s nothing else you want to do before we go home?”
He bounces over to inspect the next game. “McDonald’s!”
“I figured as much. I’ll tell Kat we’ll catch her for dinner another time.”
My kid spins back, at my side in a second. “Wait! What’s she making?”