Dear Carly,
We miss you a lot I wish you came with us to Montreal. Our new house is really big and we have a pool. Mom says maybe we can get a dog I want a King Charles Spaniel like the Lacroix family had. Remember Coco? I miss them too. I hope you are doing okay and having fun in New York maybe sometime I can come visit.
Love
Amaris
“I miss you, too, Mare,” I whisper.
She attached a picture of her, her little brother Daniel, and their baby sister Belle in front of their new swimming pool. I study their precious faces.
Amaris was seven when I started working for the Madden family as their au pair. Now she’s almost eleven. There’s a big difference between a seven-year-old and a ten-year-old. And Daniel—he was four and now he’s seven. Baby Belle arrived while I was part of the family and she’s almost walking now. Baby Belle. That’s what I called her.
My arms ache to hold that sweet baby, to hug those little monkeys. I loved those kids like they were my own. Leaving them was like having my heart ripped out. The Madden family was a joy to work for. They’re not perfect; Lois Madden was loud and talked way too much and could be a little overwhelming, but we connected in a way that was special and they told me often how lucky they were to have me.
Only, when it came time for them to move again, they didn’t need me to move with them.
I rub the pang behind my breastbone and pull in a long breath. I have to get over this.
I send a quick reply, sounding as cheerful as I can, telling her I miss them too! Then I get up and start a brisk pace back to Gianna’s place on West 74th. I can’t wait until I can find my own place, but wow, that’s not easy in New York. Especially without a job.
I’ve never had a place of my own. My bedroom at home in Buffalo doesn’t count—I was a kid. My dorm room at Columbia was pretty sparse. And the bedroom I had in the Madden home in Paris still wasn’t really mine since it was in someone else’s home.
I let myself in with the extra key Gianna gave me. It’s a tiny two-bedroom apartment in an old brownstone which she shares with three other girls. There’s barely room for the four of them, never mind five with me, but they’re kind enough to put up with me.
I sit at the small dining table with my laptop. I tried to do some work today for the first time since I’ve been back. I’m almost finished the article I’m writing, which an editor at Moxie Magazine is interested in. I need to get it done and hopefully sell it and make some goddamn money. I’ve already asked for one extension; I can’t do that again.
I open the laptop and tap the keyboard, leaning back in the uncomfortable wood chair. What I wouldn’t give for a nice ergonomic desk and chair. My neck and back would thank me. But beggars can’t be choosy. I’m happy to have a roof over my head.
Tomorrow. I’ll start looking for a job.
I open my article. Actually, I mostly stare into space. I only need to write another five hundred words. This should be easy peasy. But I’m distracted not only by Amaris’s email but by that encounter in the park with the big gorgeous dude and little blond girl.
I sigh.
What am I even doing? I’m obviously not capable of being a writer.
I hear Gianna’s key in the lock and I save and close my article.
“Hi!” She breezes in, dropping keys on the small table near the door, tossing her purse onto a chair. “You’re here! Finally I get to see you!”
“I’m here.” I smile at her.
“I’ve been so busy the last few days. I feel like a terrible hostess.”
“That’s okay! You don’t have to entertain me. And I’ve been trying to get over jet lag and reorient myself. It’s all good.”
She sits at the table and studies my face. “What’s wrong?”
I don’t want to whine to her. She’s nice enough to put me up here. “I got an email from the Maddens. It kind of bummed me out.”
“Ah.” Sympathy warms her dark eyes. “I’m sorry. I know you loved working for them.”
“Yeah.”
“Who would’ve thought? I remember when you wanted to get out of New York and Jody suggested moving to Europe to be an au pair and we all laughed.”
“Right?” I’d been so desperate to escape I would’ve done anything.
“We need wine.” She jumps up and crosses to her fridge in the tiny kitchen. A moment later we have glasses of pinot grigio in hand and have moved to her couch.
“So…I’ve been meaning to ask,” she says. “Does Jeff know you’re back?”
“God, no! I haven’t communicated with him since I left.”
Jeff. My ex-boyfriend, Jefferson Mills, former portfolio manager at Affiniti Dividend, Interest & Premium Strategy Fund who, just over three years ago, was charged by the SEC in a massive scheme to defraud investors, along with two other guys he worked with.
I don’t even like thinking back to that time. A lot of it is a fog, no doubt my brain trying to help me cope by erasing those horrible memories. But I remember enough to shudder. I take a gulp of wine.
“He’s still in jail,” Gianna says.
“In one of the cushiest prisons in the country.”
Gianna makes a face. “True. But it’s not like he’s at risk of going out and murdering someone.”
“I guess not. Ugh.”
“I can’t believe that happened.”
“I know. I was an idiot.”
“How were you supposed to know what he was doing?”
“I should have known he had no morals and ethics.” I’m not submerged in sadness at the thought of how much I loved Jeff, like I used to be. The passage of time has eased that, although I do still feel a twinge of heartache and betrayal at how things ended with us. There was also a long time when I questioned my judgment about people and whether I could trust them.
“He fooled a lot of people, not just you.”
“Yeah.” I shake my head. “I felt so sorry for the people who’d lost millions of dollars because of his deception. Thank God the judge ordered restitution.”
“Too bad Jeff didn’t have to pay it all himself.”
“The company paid a shit ton of money. But Jeff had to pay some too. I assume he’s broke now, but who knows, criminals are gonna crime.”
She laughs. “Enough about him.” She waves a hand. “Tell me more about the hot French dude you were dating.”
“Ah. Gabriel.”
“You even say it with a French accent.” She sighs.
I grin. “Gabriel was a sweetheart but not ready for commitment.”
“You don’t seem heartbroken.”
“We had fun together and the sex was amazing, but I was more disappointed that I’d lost my companion. I went out with a few other guys, but it’s just as well I didn’t get serious about anyone since…” I extend my arms at my sides. “Here I am.”
“You didn’t want to stay in Europe?”
“It’s not that easy without another au pair job right away. And honestly, I don’t want to work as an au pair anymore. Ever again. It hurt so much to say goodbye to those kids.” My throat squeezes and I try to keep my voice steady as I add, “I miss them.”