“Say hi to Mattie, Gracie.”
The baby grins wider and opens her arms, trying to reach Matt. Matt untangles his arms and picks up the little girl, who giggles when he holds her.
“He’s great with babies,” Ainsley says, handing me a small duffel bag. Then she extends her arms and hugs me. “Welcome to the family.”
My eyes widen, and I look at Matt.
Didn’t I say I’m not ready for a serious relationship yet?
Ainsley releases me, claims Gracie from Matt, and then turns around again. “I’m… if you ever need anything, please call me. I’d love it if we could be friends.” She turns toward the door before adding, “We’ll be downstairs, Mattie.” She finally disappears.
“Mattie?” A wicked smile grows as I ponder that nickname. “Really, big guy? Mattie?”
“She’s the only one allowed to call me that.”
“Not me?” I pout at him.
“You can call me whatever you want, Butterfly, as long as we agree that we’re in a serious relationship. The rest will come with time.”
“Dream big, right, Matt?” I bring that up from one of our conversations.
The one when I decided that pain didn’t make a good life.
And I wish to be free, be alive, be part of him.
One night shouldn’t take away my determination.
It shouldn’t scare me away from who I love.
I stretch out my neck, standing on my tiptoes, giving him a peck. “I love you, and I hope that when you learn everything about me, you can forgive me.”
That’s all I have for him. Nothing more than a wish because I’m not ready to let that part be known.
Chapter Five
Tristan
After showering, I head to the living room where the entire Decker family sits. They’ve been coming and going since seven this morning, waiting for Thea to come out of the bedroom. She didn’t wake up until one, or at least that’s when she finally opened the door and let herself out of the chamber.
“You okay?” Chris Decker asks me for the fifth time, so I nod for the fifth time.
But the truth is that I’m not okay.
Last night I discovered how fucked-up my girlfriend is and made a decision I’m not sure I can live with. Matt and I are officially together. It’s time to fight the demons.
I have to work out my internal issues because I don’t want to disappoint him. No. I don’t want to hurt him by hiding him because I’m ashamed of who I am.
We both agreed to fight for our girl—together. Translation: I have to come out soon. My therapist couldn’t see me today, but I’ll be in his office on Monday at seven to discuss the amount of grief and guilt I’m carrying.
“I emailed you the list of counselors as you requested.” Chris attempts to open the conversation, again. “Are your parents supportive of—”
“My sexuality?” I finish the sentence for him.
He nods. I want to laugh, or maybe cry.
“No. They don’t support me. I’m Catholic, so you can imagine the support my church will give me if I tell them I like to make love to women but also like to be topped by men. Or fuck them when I’m in the mood.” Then I tap my temple. “I have my own issues, but I’m working on them.”
“TMI, dude,” Jacob blurts.
“As disturbing as it is to listen to that information,” Gabe says, smiling widely, “I like to think of it as karma, Christian, for all the uninvited information you’ve provided me throughout the years.”
“I was educating you, College Boy.” The man smirks at his husband. “Tell you what, let’s head home later, and I’ll teach you how great I can be as a bottom, but then you let me top all night.”
Jacob and Ainsley make gagging noises, and Christian turns back to me. “I hope your parents learn to accept you. If not, it’s their loss. From now on, you have us as your family too.”
Months ago, that sentence would have bugged me. I’m of the idea that families aren’t necessary to survive. Today I’m relieved to know that Matt’s family accepts me and that they helped us with Thea.
They matter a lot to him.
Matthew: She’s showering. Do you want to come upstairs?
Coop: How is she?
Matthew: Troubled, but better. We need to discuss her living arrangements—today.
Coop: After I finish talking with her. I’m on my way.
Chapter Six
Thea
My heart has a little ache pulsating along with its regular beat.
The pain increases when I leave the bathroom and find Tristan sitting on top of the already-made bed. His palms rest on top of his thighs, and his left foot taps lightly against the wood floor. My pounding head matches the tapping tempo as I avoid his eyes.
Matt and I agreed to a relationship, but am I strong enough to be with two of them?
“Thea?” His sad voice calls to me and it’s so unsettling that I let out a whimper. “What’s wrong?”
“Me.”
He scratches the back of his ear, and his green eyes have that crinkle to them that’s only for me.
Yes, I love him too.
But that ache…
Is it because I want more than anything for our love to happen, to become as real as the sun on a cloudy day? You don’t see it, but it’s right behind the clouds warming up the entire world.
There’s that love, but I’m upset at him. I scratch the floor with my toes, wanting to find out exactly what he said to them. “You told them about my childhood?”
“Sorry. You were dry-heaving and didn’t want us near you. That whispering, hurtful voice begged us not to touch you.”
The sudden silence makes me look up, and I see the anguish in his eyes.
“I wanted to hold you so badly,” he continues. “To let you know that no one will ever do anything to you—that you’re not alone. I’m here to protect you.”
The pieces of my heart continue to melt just as they’ve done since Matt and I spoke, and some of them begin to absorb each other. Those shattered pieces aren’t from yesterday, but from my childhood years when I needed a goodnight kiss or a hug.
The years when men hurt me, claiming they owned me, and my father allowed it because it was for the good of our family. I owed it to him, to Mom.
The question of this being a wise move ticks like a clock attached to a bomb. My logical side screams fix yourself before making a move.
“Thea?” Tristan steps closer to me.
He puts his arms protectively around me. “I’ll be whatever and whoever you want me to be. The only condition I ask is that you don’t push me out of your life. Matt and I love you, and no matter how long it takes, we’ll make this work.”
Being back in his arms feels so good. So good. He’s my shelter. The energy to face the day. The air I need to breathe.
Why am I pushing away one of the people I need in my life?
“I want you and Matt in my life.”
I hug him hard because I know that by doing so, promising to be with Matt too, he’s already pushing his hard limit. Matt wouldn’t take him if we were going to be in the closet—would he? I’m searching for an answer that I decide, for now, isn’t important. At least not today.