“You sure? Buck made enough to feed an army… Or should I say navy.” She smiles as she traces her hand over Buck’s arm.
What the hell? It was delicious, and I wouldn’t mind a little more. “Maybe just a bit.”
Then I do something I haven’t done in a while.
I attempt to move my lips upward. I attempt to smile.
I’m not sure if I’m successful. God, when was the last time I smiled?
Maybe a better question would be… When was the last time I had something to smile about?
I get no reaction from anyone at the table, so my attempt to smile was clearly unsuccessful. Perhaps my facial muscles don’t even move that way anymore.
Buck takes my plate, cuts me the small portion I wanted in the first place, and hands the plate back to me.
“Thank you,” I mumble.
Leif is still working on his second heaping plateful, using his garlic bread to wipe up the sauce. “Fucking awesome,” he says with his mouth full.
Ugh. I hate when people talk with their mouths full. Maybe it’s because my mom used to smack me when I did it, so I quickly learned not to do it.
Though it’s rude, I don’t think Leif is a rude person. It’s more likely that he’s enjoying the food that much.
I dig into my second portion of lasagna, which is the best meal I’ve eaten in a long time.
I don’t cook for myself often. I was forced to do it when I was too young to be using a stove, and I got pretty good at scrounging around the house to make something edible for dinner to feed my mother and me when she refused to cook.
Sometimes it was hot dogs. Sometimes it was a box of macaroni and cheese. Sometimes it was plain pasta or simple peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. On good days, I found hamburger in the house. I learned how to make almost anything out of hamburger.
But to be able to cook like this? Prepare something that rivals anything I’ve eaten in a restaurant? He’s one talented man.
Aspen is a lucky woman.
I should tell her that. I should be happy for her.
I can’t, though. Why am I always so envious of everyone else?
Macy says it’s because my life has been troubled and I’m so insecure that I can’t help but be envious. She says it will take time, and I have gotten better.
I’m trying to focus on the gratitude. I’m grateful to be alive. No matter how bad my life got—either with my mother or on the island—I never wanted to end my life. Macy says that’s wonderful, that I have a zest for life, and I can be happy. It’s a choice.
Leif finally cleans the second plate and is conversing with Buck and Aspen about their honeymoon that was delayed.
Delayed because of me.
I have nothing to add to the conversation, so I finish up my second portion of lasagna and then simply sit. Quietly.
They continue, until Aspen rises. “I know you’re all full, but I do have some berries and whipped cream for dessert. I wanted something light. Kelly, do you like fresh berries?”
“Sure.”
“Great! I’ll be right back.”
She heads into the kitchen, while Buck and Leif continue their conversation.
“Obviously Aspen didn’t want to go to Hawaii or anywhere else in the South Pacific,” Buck is saying, “so we decided on Florida. Miami Beach.”
“Did Reid set you up at a resort?”
Buck smiles. “He did. Good thing, too, because we were able to change our reservations when we needed to.”
I feel the gazes upon me, like lasers from their eyes boring holes into my flesh.
“You might as well say it,” I say.
Leif turns to me. “Say what?”
“That it’s my fault. It’s my fault that Aspen and Buck aren’t on their honeymoon right now.”
Buck wrinkles his forehead. “No one’s saying that. Weren’t you listening to our conversation?”
“You didn’t say it in words.”
“Listen,” Leif says. “I can tell you this about Buck. If he has something to say to you, he will never mince words.”
“And you?” I raise my eyebrows.
“I won’t be mincing words with you either, Kelly. That I can promise you.”
“No one is blaming you for Aspen and me missing our honeymoon,” Buck says. “We were just talking about the honeymoon. About where we decided to go and why.”
“You think I don’t know what subtext is?”
“Oh my God.” Leif shakes his head. “You’re a piece of work, you know that?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I snap.
“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me what the subtext is?” His jaw is clenched.
Buck rises then. “I think I’m going to help Aspen.” He disappears into the kitchen.
“I suppose he couldn’t wait to get the hell away from us,” I say.
“Buck and I have been friends for years,” Leif says. “I’m pretty sure he couldn’t wait to get away from you.”
His words cut through me.
I’ve hardened myself so much over the years, ever since I was a child, and very few things actually hurt me.
What Leif just said did. So much so that I feel myself wincing.
“We’re here to help you,” Leif continues. “I don’t know how many times I have to say it.”
“You’re being paid very handsomely to help me.”
“So what? I’m a Navy SEAL. So is Buck. We don’t do anything half-assed, whether we’re paid to or not. So we are here to help you, and God damn it, I’m going to help you.” He shakes his head. “Even if it fucking kills me in the process.”
“I never asked for your help.”
“No, you didn’t. But Reid asked me to help. I owe Reid a lot, so I will do as he asks.”
“Because he’s paying a lot of money.”
He raises his hands in the air. “What do you want me to say, Kelly? That I’m happy to take his money? Newsflash, I am. The Wolfe family pays Buck and me very well for what we do for them, and we earn every penny of it. Especially in this case,” he mumbles.
“I heard that.”
“Good. Then you won’t worry about having to interpret the subtext.” He rolls his eyes. “There’s no fucking subtext, Kelly. I say what I mean.”
I open my mouth to speak, but Aspen and Buck return, she holding a tray filled with four dessert bowls full of berries topped with whipped cream.
“Dessert is served,” she says, a bit tentatively.
Leif smiles—a gorgeous smile—as if nothing just happened between us. “I am so looking forward to it, Aspen.”
13
LEIF
We get a short reprieve after dessert when Kelly excuses herself to use the bathroom.
“My God, Phoenix.” Buck shakes his head. “I don’t envy you.”
“She’s a piranha,” I agree. “So is it wrong that I think she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve seen in a long time?”
“Kelly is a beautiful woman,” Aspen says. “Every woman on the island was. Beautiful and strong.” She grimaces. “Worthy prey.”