“So she made the choice to see them on her own.”
“Right. After a lot of therapy, and after realizing that there was nothing for her to be humiliated about. But with Kelly it’s different,” he says.
“Yeah, it totally is. I did not get good vibes from Racine at all. She said all the right words, claimed to love her daughter, but her acting left a lot to be desired.”
“So you don’t believe her?”
“Not only no, but hell no. She knew how to sniffle at the right time, how to dab at her eyes. But she was dabbing at dry eyes, Buck. Dry fucking eyes.”
“They…”
“Right? So whether she had anything to do with her daughter’s abduction or not, they did not have a good relationship. Of that I’m certain.”
“There’s only one way to find out the truth about that,” Buck says.
I nod. “I know. I have to ask Kelly.”
“And you know how that will go.”
“God, do I. But I have to tell you, I’m understanding her better and better. I don’t think she has a nasty streak at all. I think she’s just super defensive. She’s been hurt her whole life, so now she strikes before anyone can hurt her again.”
“Do you plan to hurt her?”
“No. Not intentionally, anyway. So I suppose that means…”
“It means hands off, Phoenix.”
“You didn’t keep your hands off,” I shove back at him.
He doesn’t reply. How can he? Until—
“No, I didn’t. And I’m glad I didn’t, because that lovely lady sleeping soundly in the next room is everything to me.”
I nod. “I know, bro.”
“You’re not feeling something for Kelly, are you?”
“No.”
But the lie is bitter on my tongue because the truth is that I am feeling something for Kelly. I’m going to have to tamp it down. She’s certainly not ready to be with anyone, and in my own way, I’m not either.
No more hanky-panky with Kelly Taylor.
And I’m surprised at how much that thought saddens me.
I rise. “Send me a copy of all the docs you found. I’m going to get some shut-eye. Good night.”
“Don’t you mean good morning?”
I shake my head and sigh. “Damn. What is it? Eight o’clock already?”
“Seven thirty.”
I yawn. “See you, Buck.”
“Take it easy, Phoenix.”
I leave Buck’s, take the elevator down to the fourth floor, and head to my place.
And then I drop my jaw.
34
KELLY
No, mama. Please, not the closet!
But she shoves me inside anyway. “Bad girls sit by themselves in the dark. And you’ve been a bad girl, Kelly.”
I don’t bother asking her what I’ve done.
She won’t tell me anyway.
I don’t even know.
Was I late coming home from school?
No.
Did I leave a mess at the table? Crumbs when I fixed myself a piece of bread with peanut butter?
That’s probably it. I love peanut butter, but it’s so sticky. I can’t help but get it somewhere. Sometimes she can see the tiniest streak on the counter.
“No, mama, no!”
She grips my shoulders. Shakes me. Violently shakes me.
“Kelly!”
I pop my eyes open. For a moment I don’t know where I am, and I strike. I kick at the person who’s gripping me.
“Damn, that hurt.”
Leif.
Leif’s voice.
I remember. I decided to wait for Leif outside his door, and I must’ve fallen asleep.
He’s rubbing at his shin.
“What the hell are you doing out here?” he demands.
“Where have you been? I needed to talk to you last night.”
“I was out,” he says.
The spear of jealousy slices through me, gutting me.
Out? He was out? With a woman? After he and I just…
“You’re a pig.” I sneer.
“So be it,” he says. “Look, I’m exhausted. What do you want, Kelly?”
Why did I come here?
Right. I wanted to talk. I wanted to tell him about my successful first night at work. I wanted to tell him…
About my childhood. About why I am the way I am. I want him to understand me, and I want to understand him.
Except he was out all night fucking another woman, so I’m done here.
“Never mind.” I get to my feet, stumbling a little.
He studies me. “Come on. Come inside. I’ll make a pot of coffee.”
“I don’t want any coffee, Leif.”
“What do you want then? Because it better be something important for you to stay out here all night. You know how dangerous that was?”
“This building has round-the-clock security.”
“Yeah, it does, but nothing is completely foolproof. You’re much safer locked behind your apartment door.”
“Like you care.”
He shakes his head again, sighing again. “I have been up all night, Kelly. I don’t have time to repeat myself. If you don’t know that I care by now—”
“If you cared, you wouldn’t have been out all night, in someone else’s bed!”
He cocks his head, narrows his eyes. Then he does something completely unexpected. He erupts in laughter.
Fine. I can take a hint. I turn with a huff and walk toward my apartment.
He yanks me back. “You really think that? You think I was with another woman?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Well, you’re right.”
God, the jealousy. Like a bright red blade cutting into my heart. And then the anger. The kind of anger that starts in the depths of your belly and travels up your spine ending with rats nibbling at the back of your neck.
The rage, the red rage.
Only this is more intense than anything I felt on the island or anywhere else. This is raw. Not just anger but pain. Torturous pain. I feel like an animal—an animal who’s about to lose her mate. And I won’t go down without a fight.
I push into Leif, pummeling at his chest.
He pushes me away easily. “No. That’s not how you handle anger, Kelly. You’re not on the island anymore.”
“Damn you.”
Then I slide my back against the wall and into a sitting position.
I will not cry. I will not honor this man with my tears.
He sits down next to me, and then he does something weird. He takes my hand. He rubs my palm with his thumb.
“I was with another woman last night, and you will never guess who it was.”
“I don’t care who it was.”
“I think you might care about this one.”
“Why should I care about any woman that you fucked?”
“Well, one, because I didn’t fuck her. And two…because she’s your mother.”
The rage dissipates.
And fear curls into my belly like a cannonball.
My mother. Still, after all these years, she has the ability to turn me into that scared little girl.
I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing.