“Well, he’s not going to get any votes here the way he’s rolling. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, but if it helps get the word out to make sure people turn up and vote for Carter, then it was worth it.”
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out. Everyone I wanted to talk to—except Carter, of course—was at this party. I frowned when I saw a text from Myrtle, night dispatch at the sheriff’s department.
Hermes is on his way to shut the party down.
I shook my head and texted back.
Of course he is. Thanks.
“Trouble?” Blanchet asked.
“Not for me, but there’s something I need to take care of. Ally, why don’t you grab something to eat. Mannie, I’m going to need you to play driver for me.”
Blanchet raised one eyebrow and I motioned to a rocking chair. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
I sent a quick text to Myrtle to get her working, then headed across the back lawn and located Ida Belle, then Gertie, and explained the situation and what I had planned. Then I ran down Scooter, since I’d be needing mechanical services, and finally Dixon, a former resident who’d recently returned to Sinful.
“Did you ride your moped here?” I asked him.
“Yep. Scooter got me all fixed up.”
“I need you to give Gertie a ride.” I told him what I wanted and why, and he grinned.
“Happy to help.”
All my accomplices took off, putting my plan into action, then I headed back to the porch and sat on the railing next to Blanchet.
“Is that the Mannie who’s right hand to Big and Little Hebert?” he asked.
“That’s the one.”
Blanchet whistled. “And Herpes propositioned his lady. Wouldn’t want to be him about now. You guys seem tight.”
“Big and Little are friends, and big supporters of mine.”
Blanchet grinned. “Layers upon layers of surprise. I bet Carter just loves them having your back.”
“You have no idea. If you have to pee, go now. Otherwise, you’re going to want to stay put for a bit.”
“And I’m going to want to stay here because…”
“Alibi.”
“An alibi for what?”
“Everything that’s about to happen. Hermes is on his way to shut the party down.”
“I see. And you’re going to prevent that from happening.”
“I’m certainly going to try. But neither you nor I can have even a whiff of sketchy or Hermes will jump all over it. So we’re going to stand here on the porch, and I’m going to take pictures and video of this very excellent party, with the occasional camera turn to you and me. So sit back and enjoy the show.”
Blanchet smiled. “I can’t wait to see your work.”
Hermes arrived ten minutes later and stomped onto the porch. “Where’s the homeowner?” he yelled.
I pointed to Nora, who was dancing with her cat in the middle of a broken sprinkler head. The cat was wearing Ronald’s purple wig. Ronald, who was cheering on the two of them using branches from her rosebush as pom-poms, had replaced the wig with Nora’s potted ivy plant. Clearly, he’d been sampling from Nora’s end of the buffet.
“Shut this thing down!” Hermes yelled. “I want all of you out of here by the time I count to ten.”
I shrugged. “It’s not my house and I’m enjoying the free entertainment, the liquor, and the snacks. They are too. Guess you’ll have to arrest all of us. Going to be a long night for you with all that paperwork. And you’re a bit short on room down at the jail, but heck, we can just move the party. I mean, the judge will be thrilled to see us all in court when he’s still nursing his own Mardi Gras hangover, right?”
Hermes’s cell phone rang and he yelled, “What!”
I could hear Myrtle’s voice booming out of the phone.
“Don’t use that tone of voice with me. I’ll still call your mother. Someone set the grass in front of the Catholic church on fire.”
“It’s grass! Who cares?”
“It’s headed for the wooden cross they put up since Lent starts tomorrow. Probably won’t be a good look for you or the town.”
“Then call the fire department.”
“They’re already on a call at the park. Somebody blew up two construction porta-johns. The toilet paper caught fire and launched into the construction bin, and they’re having a time putting it out. As if that weren’t enough, raccoons picked up some of the flaming debris and made off with it. They’re going to be all night making sure the woods don’t burn down. I suppose we should be thankful those toilets were emptied this morning and the crew had the day off.”
“Where’s Deputy Breaux?”
“At the big Walmart up the highway getting more cleaning supplies, like you told him to do. It’s the nearest place open tonight. Maybe if you’d let him do his job instead of having him clean toilets, you wouldn’t have to deal with this. But I’ve logged the issue and put that you’ll be responding, since you made sure you’re the only other one on duty here tonight. Or if you’d like, I can call the state police and let them know you can’t handle things here and need backup.”
Hermes turned fifty shades of red as he shoved his phone back in his pocket. “I’ll be back, and I want this place cleared out by then.”
I just laughed.
“I’m about two seconds from arresting you.”
“No. You’re about two seconds from becoming a viral internet sensation if that cross goes up in flames the night before Lent.”
Hermes opened his mouth, then what I said must have finally registered because he whirled around and hurried off, faster than I’d thought him capable of. Blanchet, who’d been sitting quietly in the corner, stared at his retreating figure, then looked at me and grinned.
“Was all of that you?”
“Nope. I’ve been right here on the porch with you the entire time. Just give it ten minutes and he’ll be back. While it’s halftime, we should go grab a round of snacks.”
Blanchet and I headed inside and picked through the ravaged table and countertop of food to find the non-Nora-doctored stuff. I took some pics and a short video of the scene, then with plates piled high and clutching a fresh pour of beer, we headed back out onto the porch and ate our snacks while we watched Ronald attempt to teach Nora and the cat how to ballroom dance.
“Is that cat still alive?” Blanchet asked.
I zoomed in on my video and squinted at the camera.
“You know cats—nine lives and all. He’s probably just stoned. He stays that way most of the time. Nora’s not so careful with storage of her wares.”
At that exact moment, Nora ripped off her long black skirt that she’d been tripping over, exposing bright pink biking shorts and thighs that hadn’t seen the sun since the prehistoric days.
Blanchet grimaced. “I see.”
“Oh honey!” Ronald exclaimed. “We’ve got to get you some spray tan before you blind people with those. But not tonight. I think the cat wants to try cha-cha-cha.”
I turned off video and took a couple more shots of people gathered on the lawn.