I ignored them and thought about his question.
“Because it’s fun,” I said.
Cal didn’t say anything for a long time.
“Fun.” He said it so quietly that I very nearly missed it.
“Yeah,” I said. “Fun.”
But that was the truth. The reason we put ourselves through all this. Because at the end of the day, it was fun. It was joyful. It was an adrenaline rush. It was big and broad and bold.
“I shouldn’t have told you,” Cal said. “It’s going to be fine. We’ll figure it out. I’ll figure it out.”
“Where are your producers?” I asked. “Isn’t this part of their job?”
“I can handle it,” Cal said.
I could see him digging in his heels, getting all stubborn.
“Fine,” I said.
But the wheels in my head were already turning. Already making plans.
CHAPTER 24
I hated my outfit. The skirt was way too short, considering I was going to be standing above everyone, and whatever they’d used to make the fluffy white part of my “sexy Santa” outfit made my skin feel like it was being jabbed by thousands of extremely tiny pins.
At least I’d convinced them to let me pick the song I was going to do at the holiday—read: Christmas—concert. Diana hadn’t been pleased that I wanted to do “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” but I was getting better and better at standing up for myself.
A pair of arms wrapped around my waist, and I leaned back into them.
“Did you gain some weight?” Ryan asked.
“Hey!” I slapped his hands away. “What the fuck?”
“Sorry, babe,” he said, his palm remaining at my hip. “You just feel a little chunky here.”
He wasn’t the first to comment on it—Diana had already expressed concern that I’d been plumping up—but it hurt more coming from Ryan.
“The costume’s tight,” I said.
“Totally,” he said, and leaned in to give me a kiss.
I gave him my cheek, but if he noticed, he didn’t say anything.
“This is so cool,” he said, looking up at the float we’d be riding on.
The whole event started out with a parade, each act with its own float, with the exception of me and CrushZone. In addition to doing a Christmas medley, we’d been billed together over the past few months, and it seemed that people were used to seeing us together.
I got the sense that it was more than that, but I didn’t ask. I didn’t really want to know, which I knew was bad business, but I had my eyes on the album I was set to do with Harriet—the one that had just been announced.
“Is that what you guys are wearing?” I asked.
“Cool, right?” Ryan lifted his arms and turned to give me the full effect.
It was fine. White jeans, white shirt, white jacket, white hat. I’d definitely stand out among them, but I was also dressed in seventy-five percent less clothing, and it was fucking freezing.
“Yeah,” I said.
I’d been avoiding Ryan lately. My birthday had been weeks ago, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what Harriet had said. About Cal. About him being in love with me.
I wasn’t sure what to do.
I knew Diana was thrilled that me and Ryan were together. It was good for both of our careers and there had been some whisperings—in the press, in the tabloids—that we were serious. Marriage serious. I hadn’t said anything, but usually when stuff like that seeped out to the public, it was because someone had planted it there. Often for a reason.
Breaking up with him would cause problems. It would require multiple discussions—not just between me and Ryan but with our management teams, publicity, etc. There would have to be an announcement. Everyone would know about it.
It was just one more thing I didn’t want to think about.
The Christmas concert was near the end of the tour. In a few weeks, I’d be able to go home, sleep in a bed that was my own, and then have two blissful months in the city while I worked on the next album. All of Harriet’s songs.
I just had to get through it, all the way to our last show at Madison Square Garden. I wanted to savor these moments, but the truth was that I was so exhausted all I could do was focus on putting one step in front of the other.
“Okay.” Diana, my manager, came over to us. “Katee, you’re going to be over here.”
I looked up. And up. And up.
There was a little crow’s nest–type extension at the back of the float. I was sure it was secure, but it certainly didn’t look that way. It looked like one of those metal display things that people use to prop up dolls.
“I’m going to be up there by myself?” I asked.
I wasn’t afraid of heights, exactly, but I didn’t love the idea of being half naked, suspended above a crowd in freezing cold weather. Alone.
“The guys will be right here,” Diana said, seemingly oblivious to my concerns. She gestured to the front of the float, where there was level ground and a lot of space.
“I don’t want to be up there alone,” I said.
“Come on, babe,” Ryan said. “You’re going to look great.”
The other guys had come over to look at the float. I avoided Cal’s gaze, which felt mean, but I also didn’t know what else to do. I knew I shouldn’t be thinking about him at all, and it was much easier to avoid those thoughts when I didn’t look at him that often. It wasn’t my fault that the CrushZone team had done a really, really good job making all of the guys so damned appealing.
Not that I had thoughts about Wyatt. Or LC. Or even Mason.
It didn’t matter. I just needed to keep my distance until I figured out what I was going to do. How I felt.
“You guys will be at the front of the float,” Diana said. “And it’s the last float so everyone will be excited and ready to see you.”
I could tell that Ryan liked that.
“Do we all need to be there together?” Cal asked. “Can’t we spread out a bit?”
“Uh”—Diana looked at her clipboard—“yeah. I think we want you all together.”
But I could see the wheels turning in Cal’s head.
“Katee,” Diana said, “let’s get you back in makeup. You’re looking a little shiny. And we should cover up that zit more.”