We have to break the cycle, and we can do that by starting small. Nolen-Hoeksema’s research affirms the effectiveness of this strategy. She writes, “Doing something small toward solving our problem often is a foot-in-the-door technique. That small effort makes it easier to get the other foot, and eventually our whole body, in the door. Little victories accumulate until soon we begin to see the end to a problem, and how to get there.”
Here’s what this can look like in action: a few years ago, a friend was facing a major change in her children’s schooling, and she was freaking out about all the options, particularly because this topic had been a huge source of worry in the past. She talked to dozens of parents, checked out stacks of books from the library, and began researching different pedagogical approaches. She quickly became overwhelmed, feeling like she’d need a graduate degree and a fully articulated philosophy of education before she could decide, which would take more time than she had. She lay awake at night running through all the options in her mind, all the possibilities about what could go wrong.
On the verge of a total meltdown, she sought my help because she knew I’d faced a similar choice the year before. I suggested she take it one step at a time. It was okay that she didn’t have a fully formed plan right that moment. She could take the next step—a small and doable one—on the path to clarity. And she did. Before the day was over, she had scheduled a school tour and felt much better.
When we’re overthinking, the easiest thing to do is keep overthinking. To stop the cycle, we need to interrupt these thought patterns, and we can do that by taking a small step in the right direction. Then it becomes easier to take another right step, and another.
Getting caught up in overthinking may be a vicious cycle, but extracting yourself is a virtuous one. As Emmons says, “If we can stop reinforcing these [negative] patterns by repeated thought, they will gradually weaken. And soon we are able to create new, healthier neural circuits to take the place of the old ones.”
As you begin to learn new strategies, my advice—which you’ll often see repeated in this book—is to pick a small step and get moving. Pick one thing you can do to begin to disrupt the cycle, even if it’s a very small thing. As you move forward, implementing the strategies in this book, trusting the process, you will loosen the hold overthinking has on you. You’ll see your confidence and knowledge grow, and as they do, the next steps will become easier.
You are not doomed to a life of overthinking. Trust the process, and get ready for your next step.
Next Steps
The way we see ourselves has enormous implications for how we live our lives. When it comes to overthinking, how do you currently see yourself? Fill in these blanks:
1. I am the kind of person who
2. How would you like to see yourself in the future?
3. I would like to be the kind of person who
3
Watch What You’re Doing
Certainty is missing the point entirely.
Anne Lamott
When my husband was a kid, he faced a recurring dilemma. Whenever his mom went to Target, she invited him to come along, knowing he enjoyed exploring the toy aisle, picking out the family cereal, and maybe buying a pack of baseball cards with his allowance.
Will loved shopping at Target. But not as much as playing with friends in the neighborhood. He wanted to go to Target, but he didn’t want to miss the opportunity to play with a friend. Will’s greatest fear was that he would return home from an otherwise fun shopping trip to learn a friend had called with an invitation while he’d been out.
Every time his mom invited him to come with her, he had to choose: Should he go to the store or stay home in case a friend became available to play?
His mom would wait, with growing impatience, while he deliberated. He was persistently torn between the two options.
I’ve heard Will tell his childhood tale of Target angst a hundred times, and it always makes people laugh. It’s funny, sure, but also—we get it. He was suffering from analysis paralysis, that state in which we overthink things to such a degree that we are completely unable to decide. We’ve all been there—and not just when we were kids. Let’s be honest, we grown-ups have way more experience overthinking than your typical seven-year-old.
While it’s easy to see Will’s behavior for what it was, analysis paralysis isn’t always so easy to recognize in our own lives. We lack the perspective to see our own behavior clearly; we’re too close, too caught up in it, to recognize when our own thought patterns become problematic. We may see our behavior as completely rational and fail to realize that the decision-making styles we rely on—and assume are more or less serving us well—are, in fact, incredibly hospitable to overthinking.
In order to change our overthinking ways, we have to notice the ways we’re overthinking. We need to watch what we’re doing, observing our own behavior with a measure of the same objectivity we have for Will’s childhood self.
Spotting the Signs of Analysis Paralysis
Analysis paralysis is one of the most common manifestations of overthinking. When we’re in its grip, the problem is not the underlying decision itself but the way we approach it. Instead of helping us solve the problem, our mental habits make us more entrenched in indecision.
Analysis paralysis is dangerous because, left alone, it will never resolve itself. We can’t think our way out of it. Unless we recognize what’s happening and intervene, we will remain stuck.
Common signs of analysis paralysis include:
Repeatedly putting off decisions until later
Postponing a decision in hopes that a better option will present itself
Seeking more options when we already have enough
Constantly reviewing the same information we’ve already gathered
Fearing we will make the wrong decision
Waiting so long to decide that we miss the opportunity to do so
Second-guessing a decision after it is made
Why We Overthink: Causes of Analysis Paralysis
Analysis paralysis does not affect us all equally; some of us are more inclined than others to get caught in this specific trap. Sometimes our less helpful tendencies, like perfectionism, predictably reel us in. Sometimes we’re snared by more insidious means when our best qualities, like intelligence and curiosity, get us into trouble.
When approaching a decision, we may get stuck for a variety of reasons. For example, we may enjoy exploring the options or feel uncertain about what to do, or we may be driven by a perfectionistic belief that the right answer is out there somewhere, waiting to be found.
Intellectual Curiosity
When faced with a decision, intellectually curious people habitually seek more information about the matter at hand. They’re eager to learn more for the sake of learning and find the pursuit of new knowledge inherently interesting. When seeking a solution, highly intelligent people may see whole landscapes of possibilities that others don’t see—which may inadvertently lead them to make simple decisions needlessly complex.