“I don’t have it in me to fight.” That’s directed at me. “Not here on the sidewalk for the world to see. I gave you each a conversation and explanations last night, but let’s be honest, there’s nothing I can say that will appease you. This is spiraling into some bad shit. And frankly, I could use a break from thinking about you. I’ve earned it.”
Her words are fierce and determined, a well-placed mask to hide her nerves. God, she’s fucking beautiful, and strong. Right and true. And if she’d let us happen, I would remind her every day until she got tired of hearing it. But instead, she’s letting her bullshit stand in our way.
I’m not competing with Liam for Donovan. I’m battling her.
Liam caves and leans in kissing her cheek, pulling her into a hug. “I’m not going anywhere. You know that, Van.”
Her face turns to mine, in his arms, turning to me fully when he releases her, but I don’t move. We stand there staring at each other on opposite sides of this mess. If she’s choosing not to risk herself for me, then I won’t give myself to her. Everything we want to say stays silent until she answers my thoughts.
“I don’t want to lose you, Grey.”
Maybe that’s exactly what you need.
I bend down, cradling her face and brushing my lips against hers before whispering into them, “You did the moment you chose.”
Donovan pushes my hand away, causing her oversized sunglasses to drop on her face, and I’m frozen in place. Her eyes lock to mine, slowing my breathing, because they’re rimmed in red and afraid. I warned her I wouldn’t make this easy.
“I’m not choosing. That’s the point. I want it to stay us. Why are you being cruel?”
“Cruel is choosing yourself over me. I would never do that to you. It’s always you. Always.”
“Grey,” Liam barks, but she’s already retreating.
He shoves my shoulder, but I don’t move, watching her get into the limo as Liam tries to talk to her, but it’s no use. The door clicks, and the limo slowly pulls from the curb, but I know she’s looking out, right at me.
Sometimes you have to feel the loss to know what’s important, Cherry. And if she feels anything like me right now, it’s like a fire poker to the heart because—I love her.
Goddammit. I love the girl.
Donovan
THE POP FROM THE BOTTLE doesn’t steal my attention until the fizzing champagne begins to spill over. My head turns away from the window, the one I’ve been staring out of since I pulled away from Grey, and I try to smile, but it feels like a burden. Caroline squeals as Kai tries to minimize the decadent disaster by slurping from the bottle. It’s a picture-perfect moment, but all I feel is regret.
This is the exact place I didn’t want to be. But here I am, alone in a car with people I’m not really friends with because I need to keep from bottoming out over the ones I’ve lost. That’s not wholly true—I still have Liam—but Grey, he’s bigger than any one person, or maybe I’ve just always built him up to be.
That place of deity gives him power. The kind he’s holding over me right now after saying what he said. I know he’s angry, and a part of me knows I’m to blame, but we’re all guilty of smudging the lines until it was impossible not to cross them. I’m at fault for not being stronger because I wanted them. Because I want him.
It’s like trying to hold your breath when you’re a kid. Eventually, you break and your body forces a breath—an involuntary reaction to a bad idea. Grey’s the bad idea, and my attention is the involuntary reaction. I could no more stop breathing than ignore him.
I pick at my bracelets, worried. He doesn’t mean what he said. He can’t mean it. Grey’s just saying it to call my bluff because he knows the idea of being void of him will make me admit to myself everything that I hate to feel—desperate and so fucking weak for him.
He’s playing a dirty game, but I don’t know what I expected. He’s Grey fucking McCallister; strategy is his birthright. Fuck. I don’t want to think about this anymore. No more Grey. No more Liam. Not today.
Kai hands me a glass as Caroline looks at me like she’s reading every thought. She probably is, but I don’t care anymore. I’m done giving a shit about anything anymore.
“Drink? You look like you could use one.”
Smiling as my fingers pluck the glass from him, I throw it back with a determined insistence toward my new goal of numbness. The bubbles slide down my throat, and I hold out the flute for a refill as soon as it’s dry.
Caroline snaps her fingers in response to my boldness, offering up her filled glass to me. “I think I’m crushing on this version of you, Donovan. But what will your boyfriends think?”
I exchange flutes and toss that one back too, licking the excess from my lips. “Fuck them. I chose me. Didn’t you hear?”
The music is turned up, and I throw my arms in the air, swaying to the bass in the back of the limo, and let myself give in, feeling the warmth of the alcohol and the fire in my bones sets in.
Don’t think. Just be. Fuck everything.
Day turned to night quickly. We shopped all afternoon, filling the trunk and having to call another car to deliver the rest of our bags back to our respective houses, but not before changing outfits for tonight’s festivities. We went to dinner, barely ate, all while socializing and being seen as Caroline put it. But we were mostly seen opting for smoke breaks and more alcohol. Now we’re at a very exclusive club, full of socialites and celebrities, all the world’s assholes packed onto the dance floor, pulsating with the music in two-thousand-dollar microminis and shredded Givenchy jeans.
It’s everything I’m the most familiar with, and no matter how loud the voice is getting in the back of my mind, screaming at me to stop before this train derails, I drown it out with more of everything—especially booze and denial.
My entire body is buzzing as my feet leave the ground, jumping to the breakdown in the music and throwing my arms in the air. Kai took the deejay stand about a half hour ago, taking the crowd from well-dressed socialites to sweaty hedonistic subjects. He’s king here. It’s incredible—he spins like the Christian Grey of music, dominating, and all I want to scream is “yes, please, and more, sir.” It’s a wonder he commits even as much as he does to Caroline, because with so many eyes on him, the choices are endless.
Choices. No, fuck that. Choices are the devil’s way of reminding you that you’ll lose.
Some random guy comes up behind me, wrapping an arm around my waist and grinding against my backside. I melt into him willingly and reach back to grab the back of his neck, letting my body lose itself in the music. Caroline smiles as she dances closer to my front, throwing an arm over my shoulder, and brings a little white pill to my lips.
Molly made an appearance a few hours ago, turning Caroline into the friendliest person imaginable. I’d passed originally, but now my resolve is weak. Fuck it. Her fingers brush my lips with half of a pill right as we’re bumped, causing her hand to falter and drop my happy onto the floor.
I look down at the booze-soaked cement and back to Caroline’s amused face.
“Shit.”
Caroline starts laughing hysterically, and I join in like the drunken fool I am, falling into her and forgetting there was anyone behind me dancing. The next song starts, and the electronic beats rouse the room into a frenzy. I shake my head side to side, tossing my hair and yelling out, pumping my arms up at Kai as he smiles down at us.