I had been thinking about death a lot lately.
Not about what happens when it comes, not about the goodbye we all have to say one day, but about how to confront it when it when it takes the people you love most. I asked myself if sorrow and pain were instinctive feelings, or if we had been taught these ways of dealing with the horror.
I finished my cigarette.
“You in the mood?” I jutted my chin out toward the sea.
“Are you serious? I came here straight from the airport.”
“Come on, it’ll be like in the old days.”
Five minutes later, I had lent him a bathing suit and a surfboard, and we were walking over the sand. It was windy that day and the water was cold, but Oliver didn’t hesitate when we walked out into the water. A few rays of sun filtered through the spiderweb of clouds that covered the sky, and we tried to catch a few waves, but they were low and weak. We managed to ride a few, with short quick movements, then we lay on our boards facing the horizon.
“I met someone,” Oliver said.
I looked at him with surprise. Oliver didn’t meet women, he just slept with them. “I didn’t see that coming.”
“Doesn’t matter, because it can’t happen.”
“Why? Is she married? Does she not like you?”
Oliver laughed and tried to push me off my board. “It’s not the right time to start a relationship. I’ll be back here in a few months, and then there’s Leah, my responsibilities, money issues, lots of stuff…” We fell silent, each thinking about his own affairs. “You still seeing Madison?”
“We hang out sometimes when I get bored, but I hardly ever do now that I’m a full-time babysitter.”
“You know I’ll always owe you for this, right?”
“Give me a fucking break.”
We emerged from the water and I saw Leah’s bicycle leaning against the wooden posts of the porch. When Oliver found her in the kitchen, he hugged her hard, even if his swimsuit was wet, and she complained. He pulled away, grabbed her by the shoulders, and looked at her closely.
“You look good.”
Leah grinned. “You don’t. You need a shave.”
“I’ve missed you, pixie.”
He embraced her again, and when our eyes crossed as he pulled her into his chest, I saw gratitude reflected in his eyes. Because he knew…we both knew she was better, a little more awake.
22
_________
Leah
Chaos broke out when i stepped into the Nguyen house. The twins leapt at me, grabbing my legs the same way they did with everyone, while their father tried to pull them away and Emily gave me a kiss on the cheek. I managed to make it to the kitchen following Oliver, and Georgia hugged us both as if she hadn’t seen us in years. She mussed Oliver’s hair and pinched his cheek, saying he was so handsome it was a crime to let him roam the streets. Me she swayed softly with, as if she thought she might break me if she squeezed me too tight. I don’t know why, but I felt more excited than I had in weeks. Maybe because it smelled like flour, and I remembered the afternoons she and Mom spent in our kitchen talking and laughing with a glass of white wine in their hands and ingredients all over the counter. Or because my defenses were down.
The idea terrified me. Feeling so much again.…
I went to the living room and sat down on the edge of the sofa wishing I could melt into the wall. I spent a while staring at the little threads sticking out of one side of the carpet, listening to Oliver’s serene, strong voice while he talked with Daniel about a game of Australian football. I liked seeing him with Axel’s father because things returned to how they had always been, animated but also relaxed, as if nothing had changed.
Axel arrived half an hour later. Last, naturally.
He nudged me with his elbow when we sat down to dinner. “You ready for more fun tomorrow?”
“What kind of nonsense is that?” his mother said. “I hope you’re not bothering her with your madcap ideas. Leah needs calm, isn’t that right, dear?”
I nodded and dug around in my food.
“I was kidding, Mom. Pass the potatoes.”
Georgia passed him a bowl from the other side of the table, and the rest of the meal went on as always: Conversations about any and all topics, the twins throwing peas, Axel laughing at them while his brother and Emily reproached them with sour looks. Oliver talking to Daniel about his job in Sydney, me counting the minutes until we could go home so I wouldn’t have to die inside little by little, seeing around me all the things I didn’t know how to appreciate anymore.
It was as if I didn’t remember how to be happy.
Is that something you can learn? Like riding a bike? Keeping your balance, putting your hands on the right place on the handlebars, back straight, eyes looking ahead, feet on the pedals…
More importantly, was that what I wanted?
April
* * *
(AUTUMN)
23
_________
Axel
Leah came back home with her headphones hanging over her shoulders, her eyes shifty and more timid than normal, as if she were afraid I would do something rash, like throw a pajama party or play the tambourine at three in the morning. I could tell she was avoiding me. If I went into the kitchen, she left; if I walked out onto the porch, she went inside. Maybe it shouldn’t have gotten to me, but it did. It damn well did.
“Do I have some kind of contagious disease no one in my family’s told me about because I’m going to die and they want me to spend my last days in peace or something?”
She forced herself not to laugh. “No. Not that I know of.”
There was that little something that was different from the first month. Back then she would have just said no and taken off running. Now, even though that was what she wanted to do, she stayed there before me, defiant.
“Then maybe it would be nice if you stopped avoiding me.”
“I’m not. It’s hard to hang out with you.”
“Hard? We live together,” I reminded her.
“Yeah, but you’re always on the beach or working.”
“I’m here now. So it’s perfect. What do you want us to do?”
“Nothing. I was…I was just going to listen to some music.”
“Good plan. Then you can help me make dinner.”
“But Axel! We don’t…”
“We don’t what?”
“That’s not how we work.”
“Actually, we don’t work period. Or better said, you don’t work, but we’re going to change that. I’m tired of walking into the room and seeing you walk out, and if you’re wondering, yes, this is a temporary dictatorship. I’ll see you on the porch in five minutes.”
I dug through the records gathering dust next to the wooden trunk where the record player stood. Finally I found it, the Beatles on vinyl. I wiped off the cover with the sleeve of the sweatshirt I had put on because the nights were getting cooler, and I played it.
“I’m So Tired” started to play softly while I was walking onto the porch. I sat down on the cushions, and Leah settled down beside me, as though drawn out by the music. My elbow rubbed her arm, she trembled, and then our bodies pulled further apart.