“You can go out with Kevin. He’s a great guy, he really is. I think you will make a perfect couple because you’re both so generous.” I rubbed my nose and took a deep breath. “I’m really sorry about how I’ve been these past few months. I’m trying to change. To be better.”
“It’s working,” Blair said.
I went back to Axel’s house walking slowly, observing my surroundings as I hadn’t for a long time. The rocky path was surrounded by leafy vegetation in infinite tones of green: olive green, moss green, bottle green, lime green on the younger leaves, mint green, jade green…
Recreating every color had always been one of the things I liked most. Mixing paint, trial and error, mixing again, brightening, darkening, looking for the exact shade I had in my mind and wanted to transmit…
I walked faster when it started to rain. The drops of water were big and the rain intensified as I kept going, as if telling me it was time to hurry home. By the time I closed the door, it had transformed into a storm.
“I didn’t know if I should come get you,” Axel said.
“I arrived just in time.”
The sound of the rain echoed through the walls.
“I think there’s still hot water if you want a shower,” he said, and then I watched him walk toward the surfboard leaning against the wall by the back porch.
“What are you doing? Going surfing?”
“Yeah. I’ll be back in no time.”
“No! Don’t go…”
“The waves are perfect, it’ll be fine.”
“Please…” I begged again.
Axel mussed my hair and smiled. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
Frustrated, I watched him depart, walk down the three steps of the porch, and take off into the rain headed for the beach. I wanted to shout to him to turn around, to beg him not to get into the water, but I just stayed there, frozen in place, my pulse racing.
The rain was plinking against the wood roof over the porch when I walked outside with my easel and opened it. I looked anxiously through my paint tubes, my heart pounding to the rhythm of the raindrops splashing on the ground. I opened them with quivering hands, grabbed a brush, and stopped thinking.
Then I just felt.
I felt every line, every curve, every splatter.
I felt what I was painting in my stiff fingers, in the vulnerability that shook me because I was so worried about him, in my shifting pulse, and in my chaotic thoughts.
I don’t know how long I was in front of that canvas spilling out everything I couldn’t put into words, but I only stopped when I saw Axel in the distance, his board under his arm, through the rain that was still falling.
He was soaked when he climbed onto the porch and set his board aside.
“The current was great, there were waves that…” He fell silent when he saw my expression. “What’s up? Are you mad?”
I wanted to control it. I wanted to swallow my feelings and shut myself up in my room as I had during those first months. Not react. Not let it go.
But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
“Yes, god damn it! Yes!” I exploded. “I didn’t want you to go. I didn’t want to have to worry about whether something would happen to you! Or be anxious or afraid or wanting to shout at you like I am now!”
Axel looked at me, surprised, and understanding filled his eyes. “I’m sorry, Leah. I didn’t even think about it.”
“I realize that,” I replied and put down my brush.
How could he not know? I was scared; no, worse, I was in a panic, horrified that something could happen to the people I cared about. I couldn’t even stand to think about it. There, in front of him, I felt angry and relieved at the same time, knowing he was here.
“What’s that? Did you paint something in color?” Axel pointed at the picture. It was dark, like all the rest, but on one side was a single intense red point, vibrant, the only thing in the whole image that caught the eye.
“Yeah, because that’s you! A zit on someone’s ass!”
I left it there and went inside, hearing him cackling further and further off. I wrinkled my nose at what I was feeling and brought a hand to my chest.
Breathe…I just needed to breathe…
46
_________
Axel
I hadn’t even stopped to think about how scared Leah would be when I told her I was going surfing in the storm. I was used to it. Actually it was one of my favorite times: the sea wild, the rain breaking the surface, the chaos around me, and the currents throwing up taller waves than usual.
But that red dot, that zit on someone’s ass… Well, I almost think it was worth it.
Leah didn’t leave her room till dinnertime. I made a salad and two of those soups my mother brought every time she came to visit, as if she wanted me to squirrel them away in case the rapture came and we were trapped or something.
It was still raining, so we ate in the dining room while we listened to a Beatles record. She concentrated on her dish until she finished it and answered all my questions with monosyllables.
She washed the dishes while I made tea.
Once we were back on the sofa, I grabbed a piece of paper.
“We need to do more things,” I said. “Like, I don’t know, what’s up with the strawberry suckers? You used to love them, right? You used to always have one in your mouth.”
“I don’t know. Not anymore,” she replied.
“Well, what would you like us to put on the list? You’ve got carte blanche right now. That’s fun, right? You and me together doing the first thing that pops into your head.”
“I want to dance to ‘Let It Be’ with my eyes closed.”
“Brilliant. Done.” I put it on the list.
“And I want to get drunk.”
“Who am I to tell you not to? You’re an adult. All right. I’m glad you’re participating. What else can we do?” I put the pen in my mouth. “Let’s see, things that make you feel, that make you stop thinking…”
“A kiss.” Leah looked at me. “From you,” she clarified.
“Leah…” My voice was a hoarse whisper.
“It’s not a big deal. Just another feeling…”
“We can’t. Let’s think of something else.”
“Weren’t you the person who didn’t try to make things seem more important than they are? It’s just a kiss, Axel. No one will ever find out, I promise. But I want…I want to know what it’s like, what it feels like. What do you care? You’ll kiss anyone…”
“Exactly. You’re not just anyone.”
“Fine. Forget it.” She sighed, giving up.
I toyed with the pen in my hands. “What was that about, Leah?”
She looked up. Took a deep breath. “You already know, Axel. I… Years ago…”
“Drop it. Don’t tell me. I’ll be right back.” I got up to go have a smoke.
It was still raining buckets when I leaned on the wooden railing and blew out my first drag. The darkness enveloped everything and seemed to soften the noise of the storm. I sighed, tired, rubbing my chin.