I followed Kevin to the kitchen, which was full of half-empty bottles and plastic cups. This was the boy who had given me my first kiss and to whom I had given my virginity two years later. But still, I didn’t feel anything. Not even a slight tug in my stomach. I took a sip of the soda he handed me.
“Thanks. Is Blair here yet?”
“Yeah, she’s in the living room. Speaking of…I wanted to talk to you about something. I wanted to be sure us hanging out isn’t a problem for you. I know you’ve had a tough time and I don’t want to add to that…”
I restrained my desire to hug him.
Kevin, with his sincere smile and good humor. Kevin, so loyal, so ready to put himself in someone else’s shoes. I remember how honest he was when I confessed I was in love with someone else and I didn’t want to hurt him. He nodded, he understood, and after a few tense weeks while he got himself together, he came back into my life as though nothing had happened, the same friend as always.
“I’m really happy you two are together.” I exhaled the breath I’d been holding in.
“Thanks, Leah.”
“You want to go to the living room?”
There were a few people standing, but most were on the two long sofas. Blair got up and ran toward me. We hugged. Then she introduced me to a couple of guys I didn’t know and made a space for me to sit down. Nervous, I gave her a sip of my drink.
“Long time, no see,” Sam said.
“Yeah, I’ve been… I don’t go out much.”
“You don’t have to explain yourself.” Maya nudged Sam with her elbow.
I slipped a lock of hair behind my ear and managed to say, “No worries. It’s fine.”
Blair squeezed my hand. That calmed me down.
No one paid me any more mind, so I relaxed and tried to enjoy the evening, the trivial conversations and that feeling of not thinking of anything deep or important, just hanging out with people. I finished my soft drink, taking little sips, and when some people started to play a drinking game, kind of like Truth or Dare, where you had to either answer a question or take a shot and strip off a piece of clothing, I opted out, staying close to Blair.
“You sure you don’t want to play, Leah?”
I shook my head and Sam shrugged.
“Fine. We’re going to get started. Maya, have you ever been in a three-way?”
She blushed.
“Drink and strip.”
Blair asked me if I wanted to take a walk and get some fresh air. I said yes, and we stepped out on to the porch. The night wind was pleasantly cool.
“I’m glad you decided to come. How does it feel to be here?”
“Good. It’s all…like things were before.”
“Some things, anyway. How is it with Axel?”
“Not so great, honestly.”
“You want to talk about it?”
I pulled a leaf from a creeping vine on the wall and started to tear it into tiny pieces the wind carried away. I ended up telling her everything that had happened two weeks ago. I talked to her about the kiss, the next night, the meal at the Nguyens’ house, and how hard the week had been without us talking to each other. And how the situation hurt me, but…Axel had disappointed me. I wasn’t mad; I was disappointed. That was worse.
“So what do you think you’re going to do?” Blair rubbed my arm. I watched her, the way her hand comforted me.
“I don’t know. I never do when it has to do with him.”
“You know what? This reminds me of the old days. Talking about Axel.”
“God, I must be unbearable.” I laughed.
Blair did the same, and we cracked up for a long time for no apparent reason until my stomach started to hurt.
“It’s…it’s amazing,” I said, trying to regain composure. “I’ve spent half my life anchored to the same spot. Him, always him. If only I knew how to avoid him and not feel…feel everything, when it comes to Axel.” I turned serious. “What do you think?”
“Unfortunately, I think that even if years have passed since you fell in love with him, for Axel, it’s been different. They are two different perceptions of the same story, Leah. It could be that up to a few months ago, he never even would have thought of looking at you in that way, and you’re pushing too hard.”
“I know. But at least I got something out of it.”
I didn’t need to say out loud that I wanted to continue. At that moment, I knew what path I was taking. I was aware of how hard it would be and that feeling does not only imply doing it in the good things; it can also refer to bad things, to sorrow, but still, I was going to try.
“Tell me about those dates with Kevin.”
Blair’s eyes twinkled. “The best ever. Remember when I used to think no one could top Frank? I have to admit, the bar wasn’t that high ever since I said I’d take him out and he ordered half the menu, but still, with Kevin, everything…everything’s been perfect. I don’t know how I never noticed him. Why are we so blind sometimes?”
“I think we often just don’t know how to look.”
“And it’s funny, because you miss the most obvious things, the stuff that’s right in front of your nose every day. I hope everything works out with Kevin; sometimes I get scared…”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because he could hurt me.”
I nodded, with a knot in my throat. It was something instinctive, avoiding pain. “Everything will be great, you’ll see. By the way, what time is it?”
“A quarter after three.”
“Shit!”
“What’s up?”
I didn’t answer before going back inside and taking the stairs two by two down to the first floor. Just as I’d feared, Axel was there in the middle of the dining room with his arms crossed, waiting for me.
“What are you doing in here?” I hissed angrily, but he didn’t take the bait.
“Do I need to answer?” He turned to my friend. “Hi, Blair. Nice to see you again.”
“Same.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow.” I waved goodbye to her. Then I waved to everyone else and followed Axel to the car, walking quickly. I didn’t open my mouth until we were far away.
“Are you trying to embarrass me?”
“It’s not my fault if you feel that way.”
“It would be nice if you hadn’t gone in like that.”
“Is there a right way to do it?”
“Yeah, one that doesn’t say you’re acting like my big brother.”
Axel stopped at a red light. “I’m glad you’re starting to get it, Leah.”
And I would, if his face didn’t say something very different.
I know he was waiting for a reply, but I also know nothing bothers Axel more than silence, so I bit my tongue and looked out the window at the houses we left behind. I heard him huff a few times, but I ignored it.
When we got home, I went to my room.
59
_________
Axel
There are some things in life you see coming and others that catch you by surprise. I had no idea that Saturday would be the day when I would be doomed to say words…words that I couldn’t erase.