My father gave me a grave look. “Axel, your mother is having a very hard time. When something like that happens, something unexpected, it’s like dominoes, understand? One falls. Or in this case, two. And that provokes a chain reaction, sometimes a big one.”
“Why doesn’t she talk to anyone?”
“She does. To me. Every night.”
I nodded, distracted, and looked down at my food. “You love her…” I whispered. It wasn’t a question.
“You boys and she are my world.”
There was a hint of pride in my father’s voice that I didn’t understand because I didn’t know the feeling, having a family of your own, with your rules, your traditions, choosing the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, good years, bad years, and hard years. Watching your children grow up, growing old… All of it seemed so strange to me, maybe because I’d never imagined it for myself.
But I had considered lots of things that my father overlooked, because you never understand a situation from the inside the same way as from without.
I tapped my fingers on the table. “I think I know how you can help Mom.”
He looked at me with interest, but I shook my head and said I’d tell him soon. Dad nodded, agreeable as ever, and we finished eating and talked about a little bit of everything. I looked at the braided leather bracelets on his right wrist, the kind you buy at a craft stall and the surfers in the area wore.
“Looking good,” I said, trying not to laugh.
“They’re sweet. You want one?”
“Nah, actually…”
“Come on, son. We’ll match.”
I smiled while he took one off and put it on my wrist. Then he placed his wrist beside mine.
“Crunk.”
“Excuse me? What did you just say?”
“Crunk. Sounds like you’re not up on the latest slang.”
“Crunk. Amazing,” I repeated.
“Now you’re getting it.”
* * *
The family meal on Sunday was hell. My nephews tried to get me to play with them, but I was so exhausted I ended up sitting in an easy chair waiting for Oliver and Leah to get there. My mother asked me again if something was up, because this was the second time in my life I hadn’t shown up late. Emily settled down next to me while her kids played in the room with Justin.
“How are things at the café?” I asked.
“The usual. Justin’s too impatient.”
“I thought the opposite.”
“I wouldn’t say so. He’s got his bad days, even if it doesn’t seem like it. He told me he talked to you about the problem.”
“Yeah, a little bit. It’ll get worked out.”
I got up when the doorbell rang.
I stared at Leah when I opened the door, gawking like an imbecile, until Oliver got in the way, hugging me and clapping me so hard on the back I almost coughed up a lung.
“You left me hanging Friday, you son of a bitch!” he shouted.
“Shh, the kids are here. No curse words,” Emily warned him.
“I had a cold,” I lied.
“You should have grabbed a tissue.”
“Very funny,” I grunted.
I avoided greeting Leah with the usual kiss on the cheek so I wouldn’t have to get close to her… I wasn’t sure it was a good idea.
From the corner of my eye, I could see her disappointed expression.
My mother came out with the food and asked us all to take our seats at the table. I sat down next to Leah. I spent the entire damned meal wanting to grab her hand under the table. Or worse, slide my hand between her legs. It was fucked up, and it didn’t help having Oliver right in front of me, talking and telling stories nonstop. I barely took a bite before getting up before dessert and telling them I was going.
“So early? Why?” Mom asked, horrified.
“I’ve got…an assignment I need to turn in tomorrow.”
My brother was the only person who grimaced when I lied, as if he knew it wasn’t true. I said a quick goodbye after setting a date with Oliver for that afternoon so he could drop Leah off before going to the airport.
Hours. That was all. A few hours.
I grabbed my surfboard and got lost in the waves.
September
* * *
(SPRING)
80
_________
Leah
Oliver was running late to the airport, so he only got out of the car to take the suitcase out of the back seat. I kissed him goodbye and promised I’d call at least twice a week. I ran down the path to Axel’s house as his car pulled away. I called at the door, but since there was no answer, I took out my keys. I went inside. It was all silent. I went to my room and saw that Axel had been in there and had leafed through the sketchbook I’d left out for him.
I smiled, but I was trembling inside.
Trembling because I was scared Axel would tell me again there was nothing between us. Trembling because I could no longer pretend I wasn’t in love with him. Trembling because I had started to feel like the person I’d been before, in all her magnitude, and I couldn’t stay in that house another night if he was kissing another woman.
I left my suitcase on the bed and started taking out my clothes and storing them in the closet. I wasn’t done when I heard him coming.
My nerves made my stomach upset. I came out and held my breath as I looked at him in his swimsuit putting his surfboard aside. He looked up and his eyes saw through me.
“Hey,” I managed to whisper.
“Hey.” He stepped toward me.
“I…I just got back.”
“Sure.” He came closer.
I bit my lip. “You want to talk?”
“Talk?” He stopped in front of me and his eyes descended to my mouth. “Talking is the last thing I’m thinking about.”
“So what is it then that you’re…”
I couldn’t finish. His lips covered mine and it was an implacable kiss, a kiss unlike any other in the silence of the house. Real. Intense. Hard. I closed my eyes, memorizing that moment I had dreamed of so many times. His skin was cold, and his hair and swimsuit were still wet, but I didn’t care and I embraced him as though I would never let him go. I just wanted to be closer and closer to him. Despite the difficulties, it was as natural as breathing, the way his lips fit over mine…
Axel picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He walked to his room and we hit the door frame. I knew no one would ever kiss me that way again, so savage, so emotional, without another thought in their head.
He lowered me slowly to the floor, sliding his hands over every curve of my body. I twitched. From lust. From possessing him like that. From love. And then I felt brave enough to take off my shirt. Axel took in a deep breath through his nose when the garment fell to the ground. He stood still, not touching me, while I removed my bra.
His eyes got lost in my skin…
My knees went weak. I almost asked him to do or say something, but his stare mingled with mine and I didn’t need any words; I could see it all. I saw the fear, but also the determination. The longing.