A tingle went down my spine. Surprise or pleasure, I wasn’t sure which. “H-hoping? For me to be pregnant?”
“Yes.”
Jumping to my feet, I glanced around for my shirt. I could not have this conversation with him in only my jeans and bra. When I pulled the shirt over my head, I turned to find him still seated in the desk chair, his hands gripping the armrests so hard he left grooves in the leather.
“Don’t leave,” he choked out.
“Why would I leave?” I asked with a frown.
“Because I was working behind your back again,” he admitted. “And you always leave me. Everyone leaves.” He swallowed convulsively a few times, causing my heart to clench at the buried heartbreak I saw on his face. How had I never seen that before? “Just promise you won’t leave.”
“I won’t leave,” I whispered. “But just to be clear, you’re the one who sent me away. Twice.”
“I didn’t want you to go!” He scrubbed his hands over his face. “Both times, it was for your sake. The only reason I was able to let you go the first time was because I knew it was what was best for you. I died a little more every day you weren’t home.”
My mind tried to digest that. “You told me to go after that first time. In here. On this desk.” I touched the dark wood, remembering. “You said you didn’t fuck me. You were so angry.”
“At myself, not you. I was drinking, and as soon as I saw you, I felt what was left of my control snapping. I couldn’t have you, but that didn’t stop me from dreaming of our first time. And it wasn’t supposed to be a quickie on my fucking desk. But I couldn’t hold back any longer, even though I knew it was a mistake. That you would regret it.” Pushing to his feet, he walked to the window, his hands squeezing the back of his neck so hard his knuckles turned white. “That I would ruin you.”
“Zachary—”
He turned so quickly, his face so ravaged by grief and regret, I snapped my mouth shut. “I know I fucked up, Elli. Even though I told myself it was what was best for you, I regretted interfering with your admission to Georgetown. It festered and grew like a cancer inside me. Missing you. Wanting you. Fighting how I felt every day. I fell asleep every night aching for you so badly that it was all I could do not to get on a plane and go to you. I woke up every morning thinking of you, wondering if you were happy… If you’d met someone. I had a daily mantra. ‘As long as Elli is happy, it doesn’t matter. If she’s living her best life, my agony doesn’t matter.’”
“You treated me like shit,” I reminded him quietly, stunned by the raw emotion he was allowing me to see.
“If you hated me, then you wouldn’t get close, baby.”
I waved my hand dismissively. “But what does this have to do with you already knowing I’m pregnant?”
“That night, in this office, you stood right where you are now, Elli. You told me you love me.” He rubbed his hand over his chest, pressing his palm directly over his heart. “The only reason you got on a plane that night was because I was so caught up in the euphoria of hearing you say those words that I blacked out. When I snapped out of it, I went a little insane. You were gone, taking every last trace of yourself with you. And I couldn’t breathe.”
My heart was racing. I wanted to yell at him to shut up, that he was just playing me, telling me all this stuff to get me to stay because I was pregnant. But there was too much emotion in his eyes.
“Confessing that you loved me obliterated the last thread of control I had. There was no way I was going to let a country stand between us. The only reason you came back so willingly was because of what that fucking bitch roommate did.” His jaw clicked a few times as he struggled with whatever he had to say. “I had to figure out a way to keep you with me.”
“Oh God,” I breathed, stumbling back a step.
“You promised not to leave,” he wheezed, brown eyes imploring. “You promised, Elli.”
“I-I’m not. I just… I’m trying to wrap my head around this.” That Zachary Bennet had been desperate to keep me…by any means necessary…was hard to believe, but I did. His glazed eyes and pale face told me how truthful he was.
“Everyone leaves me, Elli. My mom. Lyla. You.” His throat worked when he swallowed. “I know I sent you away the first time. I told you to go the second. And I fucking know I deserved for you to go the third time. But losing you was my worst nightmare come to life. When you got your period every month, I prayed for more time. Just a little longer. Then hopefully the birth control would be out of your system and I could…trap you.”
A strangled sound bubbled out of my throat. “Zachary, you…?”
“I found the pills a few days after we got back from California. I had them switched out and replaced them,” he confessed, bowing his head. “I knew it was wrong. It only added to the sins I’d already committed against you, but I had to find a way to keep you, Elli.”
“Why?” I cried, torn between wanting to run as far away from him and simultaneously into his arms so badly I had to curl my toes inside my shoes so I stayed where I was.
“Because I’m in love with you.”
Chapter 54
Judge
She was going to run.
I could sense it, my body tensing for the impact of the blow when she did. The devastation. The agony.
But if she ran from me this time, I wouldn’t be able to let her go like the last time. She had my baby growing inside her. I had what I wanted. Our child was going to come into the world in just a few months. I’d tied her to me irrevocably.
That she was going to hate me for it, probably even more than she already did because of the Georgetown incident, wasn’t something I’d let myself think about. Much. She could hate me, but I’d fix it. I would fix everything. Because now I had time to show her.
“You replaced my birth control. With placebos?” I shrugged. “So you could get me pregnant?”
“Yes.”
“Because you wanted to trap me.”
Shame tried to push in on me, but I shook it off. Where this woman was concerned, I would do a lot worse to keep her. “Yes.”
“Because you…love me.”
It was torture, the way her voice cracked on the last words.
“More than anything in this world, Elli. I know—”
She lifted her hands in a time-out motion. “Stop. Just shut up for a minute.” Pushing her hair out of her face, she looked up at me searchingly. I kept my mouth shut and waited.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” she demanded angrily after several long moments of tense silence passed.
“I was scared,” I admitted.
“You were…” She blinked several times, stunned. “Zachary Bennet was scared.”
I reminded myself that she wasn’t going to go anywhere now that her secret was out. She couldn’t run from me. She couldn’t hide. She had to stay here. With me. Forever. Because of the baby. But would I really force her? I could live with just having the connection to her through our kid. It would kill me, but if she chose to walk away, I wouldn’t pick her up and lock her in our room.