“Do you want to watch it too?” I ask him, tilting the phone in his direction.
He yawns. “That’s okay. I was there, remember?”
He squeezes me with his arm, cuddling closer to me. I reconnected with Caleb about a year after Mia died. I came to see her parents, and he was there. I knew Caleb from when we were younger, but I never paid much attention to my friend’s big brother back then—although I always liked him because I knew he was protective of Mia. When I saw him all those years later, I was taken aback by how tall and cute he was. I got crushes on boys sometimes, but I had learned to ignore them. I knew by now that none of the boys would ever like me back.
Caleb is Mia’s half-brother. His father died when he was young, and his mother remarried. That’s why they had different last names. He adored his baby sister, and he had spent the last year blaming himself for letting this happen to her. He didn’t even know about Natalie—not all of it anyway. Not until I filled him in.
He was beyond furious. When I went back to college, we vowed to keep in touch. Mostly, we talked about Natalie—I blamed Tara far less as Natalie was the clear ringleader. We discussed what Natalie had done to Mia, and how to get her to pay. We never had any concrete ideas though. Well, I suggested cornering her in a dark alley, but Caleb wouldn’t go along with that idea. He was adamant about not wanting to hurt anyone physically, and that limited our options. Mostly, it was just fantasies.
We can’t just let her get away with it, Caleb would say. It’s not right.
I can’t remember exactly when it seemed like our friendship was evolving into something different. We never had the same sort of friendship that Mia and I had—I never expected that—but I noticed he was looking at me in a different way than most people. I didn’t quite understand it.
Three years from the time of Mia’s death, Caleb and I were at a restaurant together and having quite a nice evening. For once, the silverware was clean and the glasses didn’t have any smudges on them that required them to be replaced. When the check arrived, Caleb grabbed for it.
No, I protested, it’s my turn to pay. Caleb and I always took turns covering the check when we went out. If there was a significant discrepancy between that evening’s check and the last time, I would offer him money to cover the difference.
I want to pay, he told me as he tugged the bill out of my fingers. When I started to protest, he added, I got a raise at work.
All right, I finally agreed, albeit reluctantly, but let me at least make sure it’s correct.
I looked over the numbers, and sure enough, there was a major error. They charged us for two beers, but only Caleb had ordered one. I saved you six dollars, I told him, rather proudly. What would you do without me?
You’re right, he agreed. I don’t know what I’d do without you.
And then I noticed he was looking at me with a lopsided smile on his face. I didn’t quite know what he was thinking until he blurted out, Dawn, would it be okay if I kissed you?
I was stunned. I noticed he had been treating me differently, but this was something entirely unexpected. Nobody had ever kissed me before. And yet, I was oddly touched that he asked permission, which was what inspired me to say yes.
It was my first kiss. And it was so much better than I ever imagined it would be. It was the first of many, and it wasn’t until we had kissed at least a dozen times that he stopped asking permission.
And then I somehow fell in love with him.
He loves me too. Before all this, he was talking about getting married. He wants to marry me, even though I am… me. Ultimately, I am certain he will be disappointed. Mia accepted me for exactly who I am, but I suspect Caleb sees something in me that isn’t there.
More concerning, the deeper he fell in love with me, the more his hatred of Natalie seemed to dissipate. He didn’t talk about her much anymore. He didn’t want to get revenge. It was a long time ago, he started saying. That’s when I knew. We had to do it now, before he completely lost his desire.
“We should hit the road in about an hour,” he says in that same sleepy voice that makes me think he isn’t going to want to get on the road at all in an hour. “I found another motel we can go to about thirty miles south of here.”
“Okay,” I agree.
He props his head up on his elbow. “I thought maybe I could spend the night with you. I think it’s safe.”
“You think?”
He bats his eyes at me. “Let’s live dangerously.”
I can’t very well argue with him after I made the stupid move of calling Natalie from the motel. And I would like him to spend the night. These motels are frightening after dark.
“I wonder if they figured out that dead body isn’t me,” I muse. “I haven’t seen it mentioned on the news.”
“If they haven’t, I’m sure they will soon,” he says. “I guess they had to do DNA tests since her face was so damaged. That takes time.”
“I guess so…”
He rubs the stubble on his chin. “It’s such a big coincidence, isn’t it? I mean, a girl the same age as you turns up at the exact same time…”
He keeps saying that. He keeps talking about what a strange coincidence it is. But it’s not that strange. Thousands of women are murdered every year in this country. It’s a coincidence. He doesn’t need to give me a funny look when he says it.
“How long do you think she’ll go to jail for?” I muse.
“A long time, I’ll bet.”
“You think?”
“Sure. I mean, it’s a murder charge.”
I chew on my lower lip. “But as soon as the DNA tests show that the dead woman isn’t me, there won’t be a body. They can’t lock her away for life if there’s no dead body, can they?”
“Well, there’s nothing we can do about that, is there?”
“I guess not…”
Caleb tilts my head so he can kiss me. My stomach churns as I push away the thought that’s been intruding on my brain for the last month or so, as much as I try not to let it bother me. It’s hard not to think about it though.
He kissed her. He kissed Natalie.
At first, I didn’t think it was a big deal. But now every time his lips are on mine, I imagine him kissing her. I saw the two of them kissing. And if I didn’t know better, I would’ve thought he was enjoying it. He probably was enjoying it on some level. I’m sure she kisses very well. She’s had lots of experience.
“What was it like kissing her?” I blurt out.
His lips part slightly. “Excuse me?”
“When you kissed Natalie,” I clarify. “What was it like?”
His face darkens. “What do you think? It was awful. I hated it.”
“Really? Because it didn’t look like you hated it that much when you were doing it.” I quickly add, “I’m just wondering. I’m not mad.”
Caleb sits up all the way up in bed. There’s a muscle twitching in his jaw. “This is the last thing I want to talk about.”
“Well, it just seems like you didn’t mind playing the part that much. Just an observation.”
I don’t know why I’m doing this. We got exactly what we wanted. And a large part of it is because Caleb went out with Natalie. But I can’t help the way I’m feeling.