“It’s not yours either,” I say simply.
He gives a resigned smile. I don’t know that he’ll forgive himself. But I know I forgive him for what he said to me.
He clears his throat. “Do you want to get dinner before Liz comes home?”
Dinner sounds like a fine way to start over. “Yes.”
“But nothing healthy, please. I can’t take it tonight.”
I laugh. “French fries make everything better.”
We go to a diner to eat, and it’s awkward. It’s hard as hell. But it’s necessary.
The next day, I feel different. Yes, I forgive my father, but that’s not the only burden that’s lifted. I’m not beholden to him anymore.
Or really, I’m not beholden to the guilt.
It’s gone, and so is my reluctance to live my own life. I’m going to do it, no matter the consequences.
After work, I take that step, and I send Finn another gift.
33
NO REGRETS
Finn
My brother and his son are locked in a who-can-make-a-bigger-cannonball contest. I’m out of the competition because I’m being chased through Nick’s pool by a small dragon on a noodle.
I freestyle it through the chlorinated water, but of course the fire-breathing creature is faster, shouting “gotcha” as he topples me, dunking me under with a little hand.
I pop up, feigning breathlessness as I slide a hand over my wet head. “You win. You win,” I say, begging Zach for mercy.
“Yes! I am the pool dragon!”
I’m not even sure what game we’re playing. But after a few more rounds, it ends, and I climb out of the water. David and Zach will stay in till they become fish or prunes, whichever comes first.
“Need to get back to Miami so I can enjoy the outdoor pool,” I say to my brother as I grab a towel and dry off. It’s been a while since I made it to South Beach, and I’d like to soak in the rays there.
“Come to think of it, I wouldn’t mind crashing at your place someday soon,” Nick says as he flops onto a lounge chair.
“You’re not taking over my house before I get to go there.”
With a shrug, he says, “I might.”
“Please,” I scoff.
Now I really need to plan a trip there, just to beat him. But I can’t picture a weekend or more in Miami without a certain person there too. The person who hasn’t left my thoughts since I left Paris two weeks ago.
That someone has been sending me little gifts all week, starting with that pineapple, then the chili flakes, then a book she thought I might like, then another card in the mail with a daisy illustration on it. Inside, it read: Je ne regrette rien.
Each time she sends me something, I text her, and we talk like that all night. Well, text like that.
I grab my phone before I sit down, in case she texts again. Maybe I’m addicted.
And maybe I’m in luck. An email notification blinks at me. It’s from the New York Public Library—a trio of tickets to an upcoming event with the author of Captain Dude.
Wow. A pool dragon I know will be ridiculously excited.
Hell, I’m ridiculously excited just to read her note.
Would you and Zach like to go with me?
I smile, probably a little dopily.
I’ll write back later when I can indulge in a longer conversation. Not going to lie—I look forward to her gifts each night. I think they mean something. Like she’s trying to send me a message she’s not ready to say out loud. Like she wants to give me things, like I gave her perfume and lingerie and a tour of the gardens.
But I don’t want to push her. I said as much in Paris. The ball is in her court and she seems to be playing it, so I’ve been happily receiving her gifts, waiting to see what she wants.
I set the phone on the table and sit next to my brother.
“So, tomorrow is Tiramisu day,” Nick muses.
“Yup.” We’re going to the shelter to find a dog.
Nick sighs contentedly, parking his hands behind his head as he watches our sons splash around in the pool. “You’ll have a kid and a dog.”
He says it like that’s all I need.
But is it? Because I’m picturing Miami and Jules, Paris and Jules, New York and Jules.
And Zach and Jules.
And the library and Jules.
And all these gifts and Jules.
And then all the things I meant when I sent her gifts.
With the perfume…I can’t stop thinking about you.
With the gardens…I’d do anything for you.
Suddenly, I know what she’s saying.
I sit up straight. “I’m an idiot.”
“No shit,” Nick says with a snort.
I turn to my brother, intensely serious. “No, I really am.” I can’t believe it took me this long to figure it out.
His droll expression burns off, and he sits up too. “Why now?”
“Because she’s been sending me gifts all week, and I’ve been waiting. I can’t keep waiting,” I say, popping up from the chair.
Nick blinks. “Whoa. Back it up. Who’s she?”
I haven’t told him. I haven’t told a soul.
Ah, fuck it. “Tate's daughter.”
Nick sputters out a “What?”
“I’m in love with her.” It’s easy to say and it’s right to say. It shouldn’t be something I have to lie about, something I have to hide. It should be something I get to enjoy every day. That we can enjoy together. I say it again because it feels so right to voice it out loud, “I’m in love with her.”
“Okay,” Nick says, standing too, trying to follow my train of thought then shrugging as if deciding to just catch up to where I am. “And does she know?”
“In Paris I told her I wanted more, but…”
I flash back to that moment in the hotel room when I said I want this.
When I said she was perfect for me.
When I said I wanted to be with her but I didn’t want to hurt any other relationship.
That wasn’t enough. At the time it felt like it, but it clearly wasn’t.
“She just sent me tickets to this library event and asked if I wanted to go with her and Zach…and…”
Suddenly, I can’t wait.
I can’t just let her take the lead. She’s been making overtures all week. And I know exactly what she’s been saying with her gifts.
“What about Tate?” Nick asks.
I saw my friend as the obstacle, but all along, my regrets were the roadblock.
Regrets over my marriage and so many regrets over time I lost with Zach. How I might have had more time if I had just given Nina my info.
I don’t want to lose any more chances. Like I told Tate the other morning, I don’t want to have any doubts about the things I’ve said. Or not said. “There’s something I have to say to the woman I love.” I glance at my kid in the pool. “And I have to do it now. Can Zach stay with you for a bit?”
“He can stay the night. Go get your girl.”
I say goodbye to my kid and I leave with no regrets.
34