Making her come and making her laugh didn’t seem like enough of an edge to compete with say, sharing her belief system.
What if she met someone? What would I do?
Jealousy was a new emotion for me, and I decided on the spot that I hated it with the passion and heat of a thousand angry suns. I also decided to fight it with both fists—to go down swinging.
Me: Answer me or
I’m going to start sending
you some pics that would
make Jesus blush.
Still no response, but she was back before nine.
I was shirtless in the driveway waiting for her. She stepped out of her car, and I was on her, pinning her to the door and ravishing her mouth like we’d been separated for years instead of hours.
Eventually I pulled back. “Did you miss me?” I panted.
“You’re ridiculous,” was her response.
“I missed you. If you met any men tonight, I’m going kick their asses. If anyone touched you, I’m going to pull them apart with my bare hands.”
“What do you think goes on at these things?” she asked, her eyes squinting at me like I’d lost my mind. “I didn’t even dance with anyone. There are five times as many women as men so you don’t have to worry about anyone looking at me twice.”
“What does that mean? You sound salty about it. Were you looking? Were you hoping someone would look at you twice?”
“Oh, shut up, you crazy bastard,” she said and pulled my lips back to hers.
I was inching her skirt up when I heard it. A high pitched sort of piercing noise. Quite an unpleasant racket, really. I pulled back and stared at her. “What is that?”
She smiled and I knew instantly from the smile that she’d done something impossibly ornery. “I got you a surprise.”
My eyes narrowed. “A good surprise or a bad surprise?”
“The best surprise. It’s going to change your life.”
“You’re finally going to let me put it in? Thank God.”
“No. Shut up. Go look in my passenger seat.”
I obeyed her, shooting her suspicious looks the whole time. She just looked too smug for it to be anything but a joke. A joke on me—not with me—going by the unholy light in her eyes.
I opened the car door to find an impossibly tiny black ball of fluff staring at me. It yapped once, then again. “What,” I asked through my teeth, “is that?”
“That is Machiavelli. We’ll call her Mac for short. She’s a teacup poodle.”
“What,” I asked, still through my teeth, “is it doing in your car?”
“Arriving at its new home. It’s our pet.”
I almost dropped the issue right then just for the fact that she’d said ‘our’ and it fascinated me. Still, it was just too much, even from her.
I stayed on task. “Did it not occur to you,” I gritted out, “that I don’t have any pets in my house because I don’t want any. I don’t pretend to know the meaning of life, but I’m positive I’m not here to pick up some other animal’s shit.”
She was impressively unaffected by my speech. “You’ll change your mind within the week. You’re going to fall in love with her.”
“What do you want to bet?”
“I’ll give her back if you don’t, we’ll keep her if you do.”
“Kind of straightforward stakes. How about we throw your virginity on the table, as well?”
I saw her face.
“Fine. Fine. I guess it works. Deal.”
“Now pick her up,” Ro told me.
I glared at her, but I did it. It was like holding fluffy air. She weighed literally nothing and stared up at me like I was her entire reason for existing. What a strange creature.
“Machiavelli is not a proper pet name,” I told Ro, still staring at the stupid little dog. “Let alone a girl one. Why would you even… ?”
She shrugged. “I thought it was funny. She’s not even two pounds and she’s not likely to top out at more than four. I wanted to give her an impactful name. Tiny body, mighty spirit.”
“And Machiavelli was the first thing that came to mind?”
“It made me think of you and it was funny. Quit making everything so complicated, cupcake.”
“Machiavelli reminds you of me?” I was more than a touch insulted by that. “And you know, I came up with cupcake for you. It’s a little offensive that you can’t even be bothered to come up with a unique endearment in return.”
“Really? That… offends you? You want… a unique endearment?” Her voice was rich with fascination.
I handed her the ball of fluff and folded my arms. “I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”
“Okay, tall boy.”
“No. No. No.” I pointed at her. “Stop that. An affectionate one, not something filthy.”
“You have a problem with filth now? Are you feeling okay?”
“Well, no, I love filth. But it’s filth that you heard some other women name me. It’s… belittling to us. I want something from you.”
She was studying me like I’d said something particularly interesting. What she said though was, “How about muffin? It’s like cupcake without the frosting. Like you and me.”
“First of all,” I began, “a muffin is not at all a cupcake without frosting. It’s an entirely different thing. Second, if one of us has the frosting, it is me.”
“Well you already took cupcake, muffin.”
Ro tried to hand Mac back to me, and I refused, making her carry it inside herself.
I was following her through the front door when I asked, “You know you’re outrageously out of control at this point, don’t you? Out of control and out of line.”
“What are you going to do about it, muffin?”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
I followed her through the house and when I realized where she was going I said, “It’s bedtime. What are you doing in your office?”
“It’s not bedtime. It’s not even nine p.m.”
“Let me rephrase. It’s take you to bed to mess around until we’re tired enough to sleep time.”
“I need to do a few things. You go on ahead without me.”
“Without you? What would be the point of that? You want me to jack off?”
“That’s your business.”
I was downright surly now. This night had not gone my way even a little bit. “If you’re working, I’m working. Let me know when you’re done, Miss Workaholic.”
I went and sat at my desk and did nothing productive. I was sending her funny memes when something small and wet touched my bare foot.
I pushed my chair back and looked under my desk.
The tiny dog was sitting there and staring at me. “You look ridiculous,” I told it. “Like a stuffed animal with a personality.” It just continued to give me adoring eyes.
Ro walked in then. “Oh, there she went. She must like you.”
I glared at her. “Where… How… Why did you even get this thing?”