I frowned. “If I thought I was delivering you for punishment, I wouldn’t be taking you there.”
Her eyes widened. “Where would you take me?”
“Somewhere far from here,” I said, a little stunned by the truth of my words. It caused a lurching sensation in my chest again. “You’re being summoned because word has come from the capital.”
PRESENT IX
I fell silent as I lay at Poppy’s side, thinking about the days after the night of the Rite. I could still hear Poppy’s screams so clearly that thinking of them even now caused me to flinch.
I knew learning what Vikter really was hadn’t lessened the blow of his loss.
“Those days when you slept and I watched over you?” I said, “It makes me think about what Kieran must have gone through when I first returned home. The situations were different, and I stayed much longer in that grief and anger, even long past awakening.”
I curled my arm around her waist. “And everything with the Duke? Knowing what you had to deal with—how it made you feel? How I know it still gets to you sometimes?”
And I knew it did.
Sometimes, it was when she slept, her memories taking her back to the Duke’s study. It was how she’d go unnaturally still on the rare instance someone mentioned Duke Teerman.
We didn’t go through the same shit, but trauma was trauma. It affected everyone differently, but it always affected.
I cleared my throat. “I used to tell myself that what was done to me didn’t matter because I’d processed it. Dealt with that shit. But telling myself that proved I hadn’t really dealt with it. Because what I experienced will always matter in some way—sometimes, insignificantly and barely noticeable, and other times, it can ruin your entire fucking day. But that’s okay. And I mean that. Because saying someone chooses to live in the past, rehashing bad shit done to them, is bullshit. You can’t choose that. Things inside you? Parts of your mind and body that you don’t control decide that. And it took a hell of a long time for me to learn that what I can control is how I act in response to those memories—to those emotional wounds. How I treat myself. How I treat others because of it. It’s not as simple as saying that. I know. Nothing is simple.”
I inhaled deeply. “Even though my idiotic actions led to my capture, I know what was done to me wasn’t my fault. Took a long time for me to understand that, but I do. How I respond to it? Figuring out a good way to deal with it was my responsibility.” I smiled at her. “But I think you already know that. Because you deal with all you’ve gone through. I just wanted you to know that when you feel like you’re not dealing?” I leaned over, kissing her cheek. “It’s okay.”
Pressing another kiss to the bridge of her nose, I settled back beside her. “I should’ve known something was up with the Duchess when she had no problem with me being in your chambers, but things always seem different in hindsight, don’t they? I couldn’t even consider then that they knew who I was and not only allowed me to take you but practically helped facilitate it.”
My gaze shifted to the ceiling. It still amazed me how much Isbeth had manipulated or controlled, but in the end, even with all her plotting and planning, she failed when it came to Poppy.
I turned my head to her. For Isbeth to bring Kolis back to full power, she had chosen to sacrifice someone she loved and decided to let her heartmate go over her daughter—her daughters. Fuck. I couldn’t wrap my head around that slice of decency in Isbeth.
It was just a tiny sliver, but it had been there. And if I didn’t know what to think about that, how could Poppy?
And I couldn’t say for sure I wouldn’t do the same.
Then again, I didn’t have a child. I had no idea what that kind of love felt like. What type of bond it forged—one that could lead to choices you’d never believed yourself capable of.
But I’d seen it in action.
Look at what it had done to Isbeth. The loss of her son had tipped her over the edge. My parents? They’d lied for centuries, believing they were protecting Malik and me. They’d killed. And that bond was not one forged in blood. Coralena and Leopold were examples of that. They’d not only risked their lives but lost them, attempting to protect their son and Poppy, who they’d raised as their daughter.
That love made one capable of the greatest acts of selflessness, but it could also cause one to spiral into the depths of evil. And Isbeth, as depraved as she was, she still loved her daughters in her twisted, sick way.
“It’s hard not to wonder what would have become of Isbeth if Malec had made different choices. Hell. If my mother hadn’t gone after him, entombing him,” I said. “Would she and Malec have simply gone off and lived their lives? Would the Ascended never have taken root as strongly as they did with her and her knowledge guiding them?”
I didn’t think so.
In all reality, the realm would be a different place. A better one. Kolis wouldn’t be a threat. So many lives would’ve been saved. But it also meant I wouldn’t be here right now.
Poppy wouldn’t be alive.
I shook my head. There was really no point in dwelling on what’d never happened or could’ve happened.
Blowing out a long breath, I thought back to our last day in Masadonia. “Do you remember,” I asked softly, “standing by the Rise with your eyes closed and your face turned to the sun? I do.”
A SIGNIFICANT MOMENT
“I know you’re anxious to get out of here,” I murmured to Setti, my gaze not on the steed but her. “But it won’t be too much longer.”
Poppy stood at the Rise, a cool morning breeze toying with the wisps of hair at her temples.
She was unveiled.
And she clearly reveled in the sensation of the sun and wind against her skin. Her head was tipped back, her eyes closed, and a soft smile appeared on her mouth. It made me wonder when the sun had last kissed the skin of her cheeks or brow. Likely years. This was a significant moment for her.
I didn’t want to rush her, but the others would be joining us soon. So, I got my ass moving, leading Setti to her side. “You look like you’re enjoying yourself.”
Poppy’s eyes opened as she angled her body toward mine. I didn’t know if she was still angry with me over my refusal to allow Tawny to accompany her. If she was, I didn’t hold it against her. Tawny was her friend, and she needed her, but I was doing them both a huge favor by ensuring that Tawny did not accompany her.
But the longer Poppy stared at me, I didn’t think she was holding it against me. The tips of her cheeks pinkened as her gaze moved over me, her focus seeming to get a little hung up on the stretch of the tunic across my chest, and the brown breeches I wore.
I raised a brow, waiting for her to finish checking me out. Not that I was complaining. I liked that she did.
Her gaze lifted to mine. “It feels nice.”
“For the air to touch your face?”
Poppy nodded.
“I can only imagine that it does,” I said. “I much prefer this version.”
She bit her lip as her attention shifted to the black steed. She rubbed the side of Setti’s nose. “He’s beautiful. Does he have a name?”