“Life.”
“Life?”
Her head nodded. “I just want to experience things before my Ascension. There’s so much I haven’t experienced. You know that. I didn’t go there looking for anything in particular. I just wanted to experience—”
“Life,” I finished. “I get it.”
“Do you? Really?”
There was so much hope in her words that I knew I’d been right to talk with Kieran about an exit strategy for her. “I do. Everyone around you can do basically whatever they want, but you’re shackled by archaic rules.”
“Are you saying that the word of the gods is archaic?”
“You said it, not me.”
“I’ve never understood why it is the way it is,” she admitted, so quietly it was barely above a whisper. “All because of the way I was born.”
“The gods chose you before you were even born.” My chest brushed her back. “All because you were ‘born in the shroud of the gods, protected even inside the womb, veiled from birth.’”
“Yes. Sometimes, I wish…I wish I was…”
“What?” I waited.
And waited.
“Never mind,” she said eventually. “And I don’t sleep well. That’s another reason why I was at the Pearl.”
“Nightmares?”
“Sometimes. Other times, my head doesn’t…go quiet. It replays things over and over.”
I knew that all too well. “What is your mind so loud about?”
There was another wiggle from inside her cocoon. “Lately, it’s been the Ascension.”
“I imagine you’re excited to meet the gods.” I rolled my eyes.
She let out that cute little snort. “Far from it. It actually terrifies—” She stopped herself with a sudden inhale.
“It’s okay,” I told her, relieved that she felt that way. “I don’t know much about the Ascension and the gods, but I’d be terrified to meet them.”
“You?” Disbelief flooded her voice. “Terrified?”
“Believe it or not, some things do scare me. The secrecy around the actual ritual of the Ascension is one of them.” And that was true because I knew exactly how they Ascended others. What they were doing to my brother to make it happen. “You were right that day when you were with the Priestess,” I continued, choosing my words carefully. “It is so similar to what the Craven do, but what is done to stop aging—stop sickness for what has to be an eternity in the eyes of a mortal?”
“It’s the gods—their Blessing. They make themselves seen during the Ascension. To even look upon them changes you,” she shared, but her words were odd, hollow.
“They must be a sight to behold,” I replied dryly. “I’m surprised.”
“About?”
“You. You’re just not what I expected.”
She surprised me each time we talked. Either it was curiosity and her questions, her thirst for knowledge and understanding. Or simply what she thought. Believed. Her hopes. Fears. All of it. But what really surprised me was that curiosity. How did she never see more than what the Ascended presented themselves as? How had she not recognized the inconsistencies? Seen through the lies?
But that wasn’t fair.
Recognizing and seeing those things would’ve collapsed her entire world. And it took more than bravery and strength to do that.
It took having nothing to lose.
Not even yourself.
“I should be asleep,” she said, drawing me from my thoughts. “So should you.”
“The sun will be up sooner than we realize, but you’re not going to sleep anytime soon. You’re as tense as a bowstring.”
“Well, sleeping on the hard, cold ground of the Blood Forest, waiting for a Craven to attempt to rip my throat out, or a barrat to eat my face isn’t exactly soothing.”
I bit back a laugh. “A Craven will not get to you. Neither will a barrat.”
“I know. I have my dagger under my bag.”
“Of course, you do.” I smiled. She was genuinely afraid of the barrats, but if they came, I had a feeling she’d be the first to kill one.
In the moments of quiet that followed, what she had shared with me cycled over and over. And as I lay there, I thought about why she had gone to the Red Pearl. To live. To experience.
To experience something other than the feelings of suffocation and pain. She had gone to find pleasure.
A truly inappropriate idea came to me as I drew my teeth over my bottom lip, and that impulsive, wholly indecent side of me that reared its head when around Poppy seized control. I could give her what she’d sought that night at the Red Pearl and help her sleep.
Which she still wasn’t doing, based on the wiggling.
I grinned. “I bet I can get you relaxed enough that you sleep like you’re on a cloud, basking in the sun.”
She gave me another little snort.
“You doubt me?”
“There is nothing anyone or anything in this world could do that would make that happen.”
“There is so much you don’t know,” I said to her.
“That may be true, but that is one thing I do know.”
“You’re wrong. And I can prove it.”
“Whatever.” She sighed.
“I can, and when I’m done, right before you drift off to sleep with a smile on your face, you’re going to tell me I’m right.”
“Doubtful.”
I pressed my hand flat to her stomach.
Her head jerked around. “What are you doing?”
“Relaxing you.” I lowered my head close to hers.
“How is this relaxing me?”
“Wait,” I told her. “And I’ll show you.”
Poppy’s questions ceased as I worked my hand through what seemed like insurmountable layers of material bundled around her, finally finding the thin undershirt beneath her sweater. Listening to her breathing, I went slow, trailing my fingers in small circles while I glided my thumb back and forth, brushing against the sweet swells of the undersides of her breasts until I felt some of the stiffness leave her body, even though she was still looking at me—or at least trying to. Then I moved my fingers in larger circles, sweeping them just below her navel.
Her breathing quickened. “I don’t think this is making me relaxed.”
“It would if you’d stop trying to strain your neck.” I dipped, letting my lips brush her cheek as I said, “Lay back down, Poppy.”
She did as I requested. I was shocked.
“When you listen to me, I think the stars will fall,” I admitted quietly. “I wish I could capture this moment somehow.”
“Well, now I want to lift my head again.”
My lips curved up. “Why am I not surprised?” I inched my fingers lower, below her navel. “But if you did, then you wouldn’t find out what I have planned. And if I know anything about you, it’s that you’re curious.”
She shivered against me, and it was nothing like she had done before from the cold. “I…I don’t think this should happen.”
“What is this?” The tips of my fingers coasted over the band of her breeches. “I have a better question for you. Why did you go to the Red Pearl, Poppy? Why did you let me kiss you under the willow?” My lips brushed against her cheek once more. “You were there to live. Isn’t that what you said? You let me pull you into that empty chamber to experience life. You let me kiss you under the willow because you wanted to feel. There’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. Why can’t tonight be that?”