And only so much avoidance her friends would allow. So she was here now. Only she was still very much alone. She heard and felt none of their words and emotions. She heard and felt nothing at all, at present, except for pain when she let herself recall all the moments she’d shared with Roarke. He’d said they were real. But how could that be possible? That was the question.
Worse, if they were, then she had truly lost something that mattered.
“Dearest,” Bernadette said, sitting beside her and touching her hand to bring her back to the room. “Please, isn’t there something we can do?”
Valaria and Bernadette had already been told the truth by the gentlemen before they’d even stormed her house and found her with Roarke. At least she hadn’t had to explain. And yet the fact that she had been the last to know about how foolish she’d been was another humiliation to add to the pile at her feet.
“No,” she said softly. “I think this is one of those things that will just take time. I suppose I have an unending supply of it now since I have no interest in going back out or seeing anyone for a while.”
Valaria came to set a hand on her shoulder from behind the settee. “As someone who has been trapped in the house for almost a year thanks to the requirements of mourning, I cannot recommend that, my dear, though I understand the sentiment. Perhaps we can find some other way to handle this.”
“Such as?” Flora asked on a humorless laugh. “I certainly hope you don’t expect me to go out and smile for everyone else’s benefit.”
“We could go to my estate in Blackvale,” Callum said with a glance for Valaria. “It’s only a day and half’s ride—we could all go down together in a caravan.”
Flora let out a low breath. “Run away.”
Actually, that sounded like a fine idea. At present she was very interested in changing her name, fleeing to the Continent and becoming a recluse that her Italian neighbors might label an eccentric. Anything to avoid being seen by any other person. Anything to avoid ever catching an accidental glimpse of Roarke and having her world torn to shreds all over again.
“Not running away,” Bernadette said gently. “Just a little escape where there are no eyes watching except for ours. Where you don’t have to hide at all—you can just be.”
Flora pondered the idea. On one hand, she didn’t necessarily want to be alone with her thoughts out in the quiet countryside. When she was in her home, staring up at her ceiling, those thoughts were already very loud. But on the other hand, outside of London she wouldn’t have to fear encountering her wicked stepchildren or Roarke.
And she could collect herself. She had to. After all, she’d known the man for only a few weeks. She couldn’t let him affect her so. In the countryside, with the leaves changing beautifully and the company so kind and friendly, she could purposefully rebuild her walls and forget. She needed to forget him.
“It’s a kind offer, Callum,” she said, and then nodded. “Yes. I think that would be very nice. I’ll make arrangements with my servants. When do you wish to leave?”
“Tomorrow,” Callum said, and flashed a broad smile at Valaria. “I can make all our arrangements. I cannot wait for you to see the place!”
He sounded so thrilled and Valaria’s eyes danced. Flora couldn’t help but smile at this glimpse of their excitement, their love. Their future was off in the countryside, waiting for a matter of months to start. She was happy for them as they held hands, their eyes locked and their smiles impossible to temper.
Of course, she felt empty, too. Right now she couldn’t imagine she’d ever feel anything like that again. Except she had, hadn’t she? When she spent time with Roarke she’d felt some fluttering of those deeper emotions. A beckoning to a future that was now…gone.
She got up and paced to the window where she looked outside. “I look forward to the trip,” she forced herself to say. “Now can we please change the subject? I don’t want to be dour Flora, I don’t want all your pitying looks and gentle words. If I am to go to the countryside to overcome my heartbr—” She cut herself off with a shake of her head. “No, not heartbreak. That gives something silly too much weight, doesn’t it? Overcome my humiliation. If I’m to do that, let me start now. Will someone please share some gossip about someone’s ugly dress or grasping elopement or anything to take my mind off a man I hardly knew?”
She still saw their pity as she turned toward them, but Theo forced a smile. “I have a little gossip to share.”
And he began, talking about some meanspirited countess they all knew and how she’d gotten her comeuppance when she fell off her horse into the mud at Hyde Park in front of the Regent. It was a funny story and they all laughed. And Flora tried to ignore that she still felt disconnected. She could only hope her time in the country would cure her of this.
And she’d go back to normal somehow.
Roarke sat across from his mother at the small table, her plate pulled across to him. She smiled at him, a little uncertainly, as he carefully sliced up her food into manageable bites. Sometimes she could do this for herself, but confusion about the process was becoming more common.
“There,” he said as he finished. “Much better, isn’t it?”
She picked up her fork to eat. “You seem a nice gentleman,” she said.
Roarke ignored the pain that throbbed through him at those words. She didn’t know who he was at present. But she seemed to trust him and that was enough.
“Do I?” he asked as he finally took a bite of his own food. It tasted like sand, just like everything had tasted like sand since the moment Flora had found out the truth about him.
He pushed those thoughts aside to focus on his mother. She was nodding. “I think my boy would like you. And my husband.”
Behind him, he heard Hilde take in a little breath as she bustled around doing a few chores while she wasn’t distracted by Roarke’s mother’s needs. He managed not to react the same way.
“I’m sure I’d like your husband and your son,” he said gently, and set the fork down. He wouldn’t eat anything else today. He hadn’t the heart now. “I hope I would live up to their expectations and yours.”
She smiled. “If you’re kind and honest, that’s all you can be in this world.”
He nodded. “You always said that, all my life. How I wish I could get your advice for what has happened.”
“What has happened?” she asked.
He stared at her. She might not know him, but that didn’t mean she didn’t have something to add. He cleared his throat. Hilde had slipped from the room. He leaned a little closer to his mother.
“What if…what if someone wasn’t kind and honest? Especially honest. What if they made a mistake, a brutal mistake? Did something wrong, even if they felt they had no choices. Even if it was to protect someone they loved? And then they hurt someone who didn’t deserve it? How could they overcome that? How could I overcome that, Mama?”
“Who did you hurt, Roarke?” she asked.
He blinked. She’d called him by his name, and he caught her hands on the table and tried not to let the stinging tears in his eyes fall. “A lady,” he said. “A beautiful woman named Flora.”