Sitting her mug of coffee and muffin on the table, she exhaled and opened the binder. Inside she read: January 31, 2012, Paul Task, Attorney At Law - Preliminary brief - State of Iowa vs. Rawlings, Claire. Claire thumbed through the pages, catching a word here and a phrase there. She didn’t need to read it word for word, she’d spoken it. Hell -- she’d lived it. The account of her life with Tony, the truth, was right there in black and white. It wasn’t all inclusive, that was even stated, but it was descriptive. From her abduction, to his abuse, his punishments, his controlling nature, her near death accident, his change of behavior, their marriage, his control, his domination… and the reason she drove away from the estate. At two thirty her cup was empty and the muffin was cold, stiff, and still wrapped in a shiny tin.
Claire stared at the open binder and wondered what to do, what to say. Other than outsiders, her attorneys and Dr. Warner, she hadn’t discussed any of this with anyone. She felt a twinge of panic, if Tony finds out that they know... Oh God! It’s a direct violation of his rules.
Leaving the binder open she went to her bedroom to put on her bathing suit. Claire realized this was the information Courtney wanted to share-- in person. She really did know. Claire remembered the cathartic feeling she experienced when divulging all of this to her attorneys. However, with Dr. Warner it was different. Claire felt ashamed, like it was somehow her fault; she allowed all these things to happen. Dr. Warner agreed, well -- in so many words. Claire allowed Tony to dominate her.
How could she face Courtney and look in her eyes, knowing she had allowed herself to be abused and had lied?
Claire meant to go to the pool. However, somewhere during the process of getting ready, she collapsed on her bed and released years of suppressed tears. They didn’t stop. Unknowingly, she drifted to sleep wearing her new white bikini. Wakefulness came with the sensation of a warm soft hand rubbing her exposed back. She didn’t turn around. Instead she kept her face buried in the damp soft pillow and choked out her apology, “I’m so sorry.”
Claire expected compassion. Instead Courtney’s voice was stern, “You are sorry?” Heavy emphasis on you, “Claire, please turn around.” Slowly she did. Courtney looked at her puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. “Girl – what in the hell do you have to be sorry for? It seems to me, the rest of us are the ones who should be sorry!”
It didn’t make sense to Claire. She was the one who allowed Tony to abuse her. She was the one who lied to everyone, especially Courtney. How many times did Courtney ask Claire if everything was all right? And every time, she lied.
The tears resumed, “I lied to you. I lied to you -- many times. I let things happen.”
“Honey, everyone lets thing happen around Anthony Rawlings. What were you supposed to do? Do you think if you’d stood up to him more, he’d have backed down?” Claire couldn’t answer. She didn’t want to discuss any of this. It made her head hurt. “Let me tell you something, it may not be physical -- like you endured -- but we’re all victims of your ex-husband. Do you think for a minute we would’ve let you go to jail, much less to prison, if we weren’t scared of what Tony might do?”
Claire stared at Courtney in disbelief, wiping her nose with the back of her hand, Claire asked, “What do you mean, scared?”
“I mean scared, like frightened. We’re putting all of our cards on the table, right?” Claire nodded; Courtney continued, “We all know Tony has power – a lot of power. Brent isn’t ready to retire, and there’s no way he can walk away from Tony. Besides, most of our money is tied up in Rawlings Industries’ stock, or it was. We never discussed a fear of physical retaliation, but Brent convinced me our lives and possibly those of our children would suffer unseen consequences if we came clean about this information.”
“How long have you known?”
“Since before your divorce. The file was on a pen drive from Evergreen’s office. Like my note said, it shouldn’t have been there, and Brent shouldn’t have read it.”
Claire turned her head into the soft pillow and exhaled. Slowly, she sat and looked her friend in the eye. She truly was at a loss for words and completely uncomfortable with the mixture of emotions swirling inside her chest.
“Claire, I understand why you didn’t tell me. I wish you would’ve. I had this feeling things were different than they appeared. Truthfully, I had no idea the enormity of the situation. I understand you couldn’t say anything.”
“If I would’ve, I wouldn’t have been allowed to see you.” A sob came from somewhere deep, buried under years of suppression. “I needed you.”
The two women hugged like never before. After a time Courtney started to laugh, “Aren’t you glad you came all this way, for all this fun?”
Claire looked into her honest blue eyes now reddened like her own and snickered, “At this moment, I’m not too sure.”
“I am. I needed you to know what we know. I needed you to know we understand. And, if for some reason you feel responsible, or like you deserved something, anything that happened to you… you’re sadly mistaken. I told you once; I loved and hated your husband. That’s still probably true. He’s capable of wonderful things. We just never knew the extent to which he’s capable of terrible things.”
Courtney continued, “Claire, you’re a saint for loving him despite all of that. Please, never think you deserved any of it. No one should endure what that brief says you endured.” Courtney shook her head, “The thing I keep thinking is -- I really believed he loved you. I believed you loved him too. As his friends, we worried about a woman wanting him for his money. I never got that feeling from you.”
“I wish I could explain it.” Claire replied, “Hell -- I wish I could explain it to myself. When I met him, I didn’t know who he was. Even after he took me to his house, I didn’t know who he was. Believe me, I hated him. I told him how much I hated him, multiple times. Maybe it was the isolation; I didn’t have contact with anyone but him. Yet, overtime I did love him, or I thought I loved him. And, he did get better, a lot better.” Claire smiled a sad smile. “I think it’s true. Love and hate are very close emotions, both intense and consuming. Even after he left me in jail, and still today, I find myself struggling with those two emotions.” Claire shook her head. “I know it doesn’t make sense. It’s just that when he was good, he could be so good. When he wasn’t… It was just... there was always so much stress and pressure.” Claire thought about Brent. “I think you do understand. I think if anyone would, it would be Brent and you. I’ve seen that same stress on Brent’s face.”
Courtney nodded, “I’m glad you believe me. We wanted to help you. We weren’t sure it would pay-off. Honey, it wasn’t throwing away our money. It was more than worth it!”
Claire sat straight. Her mouth gaped with surprise. Finally words came from her lips, “Oh my god, it was you?” Courtney nodded again. “Of course, the petition was filled out. An attorney would know how to do that. Brent’s an attorney.” Claire’s voice sounded shrill with amazement and gratitude. “Let me pay you back. I can now. I sold the jewelry.”