“I think I’d like to stay,” I tell him quietly.
Blaise turns to me, dumbfounded. “What?”
“I appreciate all the trouble you’ve gone to, really I do—”
“I don’t know what that monster did to you, Theo, what lies he’s spun, but you aren’t safe here. I was there tonight when he had you on display like a trophy. It’s only going to get worse.”
How it could be worse I can’t begin to fathom. I won’t think about it. It’ll only weaken my already tentative resolve.
“We don’t have their numbers, Blaise. You’re right: if we come at him on an even field, we lose and the rebellion Ampelio gave his life for will have been for nothing. But if I stay, I can get information. I can find weaknesses, figure out their plans. I can give us a chance to take our country back.”
For a moment, he almost looks like the boy I knew. The boy I chased and clung to, no matter how he tried to get rid of me.
“You can’t tell me I’m wrong,” I say. “I’m your best shot.”
He shakes his head. “It’s too dangerous. You think we haven’t had spies before? We’ve had dozens, and he always finds them. And don’t take this the wrong way, but they were a lot more stable than you are.”
“I’m fine,” I protest, though we both know it’s a lie.
He watches me for a moment, searching my face for any sign of hesitation he can use against me. I don’t give it to him.
“Who are you?” he asks.
It’s such a simple question, but I falter. We both know it’s a test, and one I cannot fail. I swallow, forcing myself to meet his eyes.
“My name is Theo—”
The name catches in my throat and I am a child again, cowering on the cold stone floor while the Kaiser and the Theyn stand over me.
“Who are you?” the Kaiser asks calmly.
But every time I tell him, the whip cracks against my skin and I scream. It goes on for hours. I don’t know what they want from me, I keep telling them the truth. I keep telling them my name is Theodosia Eirene Houzzara. My name is Theodosia. My name is Theo.
Until I don’t. I tell them I am no one.
That is when they stop. That is when the Kaiser crouches next to me with a kind smile and places a finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. That is when he tells me I am a good girl and gives me a new name like it’s a present. And I am grateful to him for it.
Warm hands grip my shoulders, jerking me back and forth. When I open my eyes, Blaise’s face is inches from mine, eyes dark and harder than I remember them.
“Your name is Theodosia,” he tells me. “Say it.”
I lift my hand to touch his cheek, tracing his scar. He flinches.
“You used to have such a lovely smile,” I tell him. My voice breaks. “Your mother said it would get you into trouble one day.”
He drops his hands as if my skin burned him, but he still watches me like I’m a savage animal. Like I could attack him at any moment. I wrap my arms around my stomach and lean back against the wall.
“What happened to her?” I ask, quietly.
I don’t think he hears me at first. He turns his face away, swallows hard.
“Killed in the siege,” he says after a moment. “She tried to stand between the Kalovaxians and your mother.”
Of course she did. Our mothers were friends from the cradle, “closer than blood,” they used to say. I called her Auntie. Gruesome as it is, it would have been quick at least. For that, I’m thankful.
My legs give out and I sink to the dirty ground.
“And your father?” I ask him.
He shakes his head. “The Kalovaxians have experience conquering countries. They knew to kill the Guardians and warriors first,” he tells me. “Ampelio was the last one.”
“I tried to make it painless,” I murmur. “It was the least I could do. He was already in so much pain, though….I don’t know if it helped.”
Blaise nods, but doesn’t say any more. Instead, he sinks to the ground next to me, crosses his legs, and suddenly it almost feels like we’re children again at our lessons, waiting for our teachers to make sense of the world around us. But none of our world makes sense.
“Theodosia,” he says again. “You need to say it.”
I swallow as the shadows close in again. But I can’t let them overtake me. Not now.
“I am Th…Theodosia Eirene Houzzara,” I tell him. “And I am my people’s only hope.”
For a moment, he stares at me. He’s going to say no and I’m not even sure he’s wrong to.
Instead, he lets out a long, pained exhale and tears his gaze away. He suddenly looks much older than seventeen. He looks like a man who has seen too much of the world. “What kind of information?” he asks finally.
My smile feels brittle. “They aren’t infallible, no matter what the Kaiser likes to believe. The riot last month, in the Air Mine?”
He looks away from me. “The one that killed a hundred Astreans and injured more than twice that?” he asks.
“Instigated by an earthquake, of all things. The Astreans saw their opportunity to revolt and they took it. The Kaiser said Ampelio caused it, but he was a Fire Guardian, not Earth. Of course, the Kaiser doesn’t rely on logic or facts. He said Ampelio caused it, and that’s good enough for the Kalovaxians,” I say. “Besides, it killed nearly as many Kalovaxians,” I add.
His thick eyebrows dart up. “I didn’t hear that.”
“The Kaiser must have kept it quiet. He wouldn’t want anyone to know how much damage a group of Astrean rebels could do. You know the Theyn?”
Blaise’s face darkens and he gives a grunt of acknowledgment.
“His daughter thinks of me as a friend, and she has loose lips,” I say, though guilt ties my stomach into knots as I say it. Cress is my friend, but she’s also the Theyn’s daughter. It’s easiest to think of them as two separate people.
“I’m surprised they allow her around you, then,” he remarks.
I shake my head. “I’m just a broken girl to them, a bleeding trophy from another land they’ve conquered,” I say. “They don’t see me as a threat.”
He frowns. “And the Kaiser? Do you have anything on him?”
“It’s difficult,” I admit. “He’s careful to appear more god than human. Even the Kalovaxians are too frightened of his wrath to risk gossiping, at least not where they can be overheard.”