Wordlessly she called Tristan’s other animals—the hound and the pigeon—and packed up the supplies, trying to cover the silence.
“I . . . ,” Tristan began, still seated on Wind in the same place he had been before. His head drooped shamefully. “I can’t do it.”
“You’re tired,” Veronyka said, forcing nonchalance into her voice. “Next time . . .”
“No—you don’t understand,” he said, and when he lifted his head, moisture glistened on his bottom eyelids. He stared at the sky, at Rex still soaring above, and choked out a strangled laugh. “I’m a Phoenix Rider who’s afraid of fire.”
When he’d collected himself enough to look back down at her, his expression was wary, as if he expected her to laugh or belittle him.
Instead she came to a stop next to him, patting Wind’s neck, and shrugged.
“Bellonya the Brave lost her dominant arm as a child and had to relearn her fighting skills with her other hand. She became the fiercest spear thrower in history. King Worrid was deaf, so he designed a special saddle to allow him to fly without losing his balance. He also set up the Morian Archives, making sure the empire’s histories were recorded by the priests and acolytes of Mori and not just passed on verbally.”
Tristan frowned at her. “What’s your point?”
“My point is that you have a condition, and now you have to deal with it,” she said, realizing with chagrin that her gender was her own “condition” to overcome.
“I can’t just deal with it. I’m a Phoenix Rider—fire comes with the territory. It’s not like I can coat myself in pyraflora resin and carry on with my day.”
He dismounted in a huff, and Veronyka actually smiled at the mental picture of him covered head to toe in sticky fireproof sap. She tried to fight it back, but luckily, when he caught sight of her over his shoulder, he smiled too.
A moment later, he sighed. “This is serious, Nyk.”
“I know it is,” she said. “But maybe you’re thinking about it the wrong way.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, the problem isn’t out here.” She gestured to the world around them. She hesitated, then took a step toward him. “It’s in here,” she said softly, tapping his temple, his hair dark and curled with sweat. The touch sent a lightning bolt of awareness through her, and her entire body lit up as if her nerves were on fire. She’d never touched him before and was shocked at how intimate it felt—her fingers against his warm skin, their faces mere inches apart. . . .
She yanked her hand back, and he watched her sudden movement with wide eyes.
“I could try swallowing pyraflora sap instead?” he asked, his voice slightly breathless.
Veronyka forced a smile, avoiding his gaze and trying to shake the tingling feeling that was still crackling through her body. She was conscious of him now in a way she hadn’t been before, how the breaths moved in and out of his chest and the way the sweat from his skin left her fingertip damp. She rubbed her hand against her leg and stepped back from him, trying to focus on their conversation.
“I have this thing I do when I don’t want to think about something,” she said as memories of Xephyra flickered before her eyes. “It’s a way of keeping bad thoughts and feelings locked up inside my mind. Maybe you could do the same thing but put your fear there instead.”
“Locked up?” he asked, frowning.
“Yeah. I call it my mental safe house,” she said, explaining the method she’d used to bury her grief for Xephyra and to pass her interrogation with Morra. She steered clear of mentioning shadow magic and just focused on how she visualized her stone wall, how she put whatever she didn’t want to think about inside and carefully stacked protective stones all around it. “I know it’s sort of silly,” she said as they moved to pack the rest of the supplies, “but it works for me. This way, whatever you don’t want to think about isn’t running rampant in your mind—it’s trapped, cut off from everything, even yourself.”
Tristan was nodding thoughtfully. She’d thought he’d scoff at the idea, but it seemed he was willing to try anything.
“It makes sense,” he said. “I mean, we do it subconsciously all the time, don’t we? Hiding from stuff we don’t want to face or think about. But doing it on purpose . . .”
Veronyka nodded. “I hope it helps.”
“Thanks,” he said, expression earnest. “I . . . No one else knows,” he blurted.
Veronyka gaped for a moment, taken aback—but pleased—that he’d trusted her. She tried not to let her surprise show and smiled reassuringly. “And they won’t.”
Some tension released in his shoulders, and he smiled back. “Where did you learn all that?” he asked, waving back to where they’d been standing when she’d described her mental safe house.
“I sort of came up with it on my own, I guess.” She thought of Val, constantly berating her for projecting her emotions, and supposed her sister deserved some of the credit—or blame.
It had been strange without her, these past weeks. Veronyka was capable of taking care of herself—she’d known that all along—but it had meant something to prove it to herself. To prove it to Val . . . even though her sister wasn’t here to see it.
“I had some trouble with magical control,” she continued, “so, locking away certain feelings and emotions helped me find balance.”
Val had been a hard teacher, but Veronyka had to admit that she’d learned from her and the cautionary stories she’d told.
“I heard that in the Last Battle, half the animals in Aura Nova went mad,” Veronyka said softly as Tristan took a swig from the waterskin. The Last Battle was Avalkyra Ashfire’s final stand, when she sent all of her troops to the capital city in an attempt to seize the Nest, the empire’s royal palace and seat of power. “The Riders couldn’t contain their magic, and their volatile emotions fell like rain from the sky. Horses broke through their stalls, cats clawed themselves bloody, and dogs ran down their masters.”
Tristan finished his drink and trailed a hand absently along Wind’s neck. “I wonder if it wasn’t on purpose. . . .”
“What do you mean?” Veronyka asked, trying to clear the disturbing images from her mind. Ever since she’d heard the story, she’d dreamed of it from time to time, soaring over the carnage on phoenix-back. Her parents had died that night, and though Veronyka had no idea of the details or circumstances, she hated to think of the terror and bloodshed they’d had to endure in their last moments in this world.
“You have to admit, it’s a potent siege tactic, turning half the occupants of the city against their human masters. It’s like doubling your army.”
Veronyka’s stomach churned. “But . . . so many animals would die.”
“Yes, they would. But humans died too, didn’t they? And phoenixes?”
“But they chose to fight,” Veronyka protested.
Tristan shrugged, his expression thoughtful when he said, “Maybe the animals did too.” Veronyka frowned, and he gestured down at Wind. “Their devotion to the animages who feed and care for them is powerful. . . . If phoenixes have the desire to fight on behalf of the humans they love, why not other animals as well?”