I trail my lips down to her breasts and close them around one nipple, tugging until it’s hard and standing at attention. She groans as her body rises to meet mine and she scrapes her fingernails across the muscles on my back. It’s too much. Fear erupts in my chest, hammering my heart. “Oh, fuck, Ana,” I cry out and stare down at her. She’s panting, eyes bright and brimming with sensuality.
This is turning her on.
Fuck.
Don’t overthink this, Grey.
Man up. Go with it.
Taking a deep breath to slow my pounding heart, I skate my hand down her body, over her belly, to her labia. I cup her and my fingers are wet with her anticipation. Easing them inside her, I circle them and she pushes her pelvis up to meet my hand.
“Ana.” Her name is an invocation. I release her and sit up, and her hands fall away so she’s no longer touching me. I feel relieved and bereft at once. I remove my boxers, freeing my cock, and lean over to the bedside table for a condom. I hand it to her. “You want to do this? You can still say no. You can always say no.”
“Don’t give me a chance to think, Christian.” She’s breathless. “I want you, too.” She rips open the foil with her teeth and slowly, with trembling fingers, slides it onto me.
Her fingers on my erection are torture. “Steady. You are going to unman me, Ana.”
She gives me a quick, possessive smile, and when she’s done I stretch over her. But I need to know she wants this, too. I roll us both over, quickly.
“You, take me,” I whisper, staring up at her.
She licks her lips and sinks down on me, taking me, inch by inch.
“Ah.” I tilt my head back and close my eyes.
I’m yours, Ana.
She grabs my hands and starts to move, up and down.
Oh, baby.
Leaning forward, she kisses my chin and runs her teeth over my jaw.
I’m going to come.
Shit.
I still her with my hands on her hips.
Slow, baby. Please, let’s take this slow.
Her eyes are full of passion and excitement.
And I steel myself once more. “Ana, touch me, please.”
Her eyes widen with sheer delight and she spreads her hands on my chest. It’s blistering. I cry out and thrust deep inside her.
“Ah,” she whimpers, and her fingernails trail through my chest hair. Tantalizing me. Teasing me. But the darkness is pushing at each point of contact, determined to rupture my skin. It’s so painful, so intense, tears spring to my eyes, and Ana’s face blurs in a watery vision.
I twist so that she’s underneath me. “Enough. No more, please.”
She reaches up and clasps my face in her hands, wiping my tears, then pulling me down so that her lips are on mine. I drive into her. Trying to find my equilibrium, but I’m lost. Lost to this woman. Her breath is at my ear: Short. Panting. She’s reaching. She’s close. But she’s holding back.
“Let go, Ana,” I whisper.
“No.”
“Yes,” I plead, and I shift and roll my hips, filling her.
She moans, loud and clear, her legs tensing.
“Come on, baby, I need this. Give it to me.”
We need this.
She lets go, convulsing around me and crying out while she wraps her arms and legs around my body and I find my release.
HER FINGERS ARE IN my hair while my head rests on her chest. She’s here. She didn’t leave, but I can’t shake the feeling that I nearly lost her again. “Don’t ever leave me,” I whisper. Above me, I feel her move her head, her chin lifting in that mulish way she has. “I know you’re rolling your eyes at me,” I add, pleased that she’s doing so.
“You know me well.” There’s humor in her tone.
Thank God.
“I’d like to know you better.”
“Back at you, Grey,” she says, and asks me what torments me when I sleep.
“The usual.”
She insists that I tell her more.
Oh, Ana, do you really want to know?
She remains silent. Waiting.
I sigh.
“I must be about three, and the crack whore’s pimp is mad as hell again. He smokes and smokes, one cigarette after another, and he can’t find an ashtray.”
Does she really want this shit in her head? The burn. The smell. The screaming.
She tenses beneath me.
“It hurt,” I mutter. “It’s the pain I remember. That’s what gives me nightmares. That, and the fact that she did nothing to stop him.”
Ana’s hold on me tightens.
I lift my head, meeting her eyes. “You’re not like her. Don’t ever think that. Please.”
She blinks a couple of times and I lay my head on her chest again.
The crack whore was weak. No, Maggot. Not now.
She killed herself. Abandoning me.
“Sometimes in the dreams she’s just lying on the floor. And I think she’s asleep. But she doesn’t move. She never moves. And I’m hungry. Really hungry. There’s a loud noise and he’s back, and he hits me so hard, cursing the crack whore. His first reaction was always to use his fists or his belt.”
“Is that why you don’t like to be touched?”
I close my eyes and hold her tighter. “That’s complicated.” I nuzzle the space between her breasts, surrounding myself with her essence.
“Tell me,” she asks.
“She didn’t love me.” She can’t have loved me. She didn’t protect me. And she left me. Alone. “I didn’t love me. The only touch I knew was…harsh. It stemmed from there.”
I never had a mother’s loving touch, Ana.
Never.
Grace respected my boundaries.
I still don’t know why.
“Flynn explains it better than I can.”
“Can I see Flynn?” she asks.
“Fifty Shades rubbing off on you?” I try to lighten the mood.
“And then some.” Ana squirms. “I like how it’s rubbing off right now.”
I love her levity, and if she can joke about this, there’s hope. “Yes, Miss Steele, I like that, too.” I kiss her and stare into the warm depths of her eyes. “You’re so precious to me, Ana. I was serious about marrying you. We can get to know each other then. I can look after you. You can look after me. We can have kids if you want. I will lay my world at your feet, Anastasia. I want you, body and soul, forever. Please think about it.”
“I will think about it, Christian. I will. I’d really like to talk to Dr. Flynn, though, if you don’t mind.”
“Anything for you, baby. Anything. When would you like to see him?”
“Sooner rather than later.”
“Okay. I’ll make the arrangements in the morning.” I glance at the clock: 3:44. “It’s late. We should sleep.” I switch off the light and pull her to me so we’re spooning. I only spoon with Ana. I nuzzle her neck. “I love you, Ana Steele, and I want you by my side, always. Now go to sleep.”
I’M WOKEN BY A commotion. Ana is leaping over me and onto the floor and heading for the bathroom.
She’s leaving?
No.
I check the time.
Shit. It’s late. I think this is the latest I’ve ever slept. She’s going to work. Shaking my head, I call Taylor through the internal phone system.