Driving now, with Serrano silent in the seat next to her, Leslie Tally thought about those haunting nights, waiting to hear from Claire, steeling her resolve if the dreaded call ever came that Bobby had passed away. Thank God it never had. But Tally remembered that fear, that sadness, that anxiety. And it hadn’t even been for her own blood.
When John Serrano’s life had cracked in half, Tally had been his partner less than a year. She hadn’t known him well. She had given him the same platitudes.
It’ll get better. Even though she had known it never really would.
She’d thought he would leave the force. Especially after his rift with Constance Wright. She’d even hoped, for a brief time, that she would be reassigned to a partner whose baggage didn’t weigh them down. She regretted those feelings, because now Tally couldn’t imagine working with anyone else. John Serrano felt like family the same way Bobby, Penny, Elyse, and Claire felt like family. Not her blood, but it didn’t matter. And family took care of family.
“John,” Tally said. “Talk to me.”
Serrano offered a weak smile. “I don’t remember the last time you called me John.”
“I whip it out for special occasions. Hey, don’t let what that Marin woman said get to you. She doesn’t know anything, and she’s clearly got a screw loose.”
“I know. You’re right,” Serrano said. But it was lip service. Serrano was in pain.
As they crossed Parker Avenue, heading uptown toward the precinct, Serrano said, “Hey, pull over here.”
“Why?” Tally said. Then it hit her. “John, come on. You’re going to Voss Field, aren’t you?”
“It’s been too long since I visited. I need to see it.”
“We need to write up our report on Nicholas Drummond. The lieutenant will be expecting it first thing tomorrow. I need you, partner. Going there tonight won’t do you any good.”
“It’s not about good or bad. It’s just something I need to do. Do me a solid, Leslie,” Serrano said. “You write up the report tonight. I’ll make it up to you.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“All right. Don’t stay out past curfew,” she said.
Tally pulled over at the corner of Parker and Willoughby. Snow was dusting the windshield, collecting at the edges of her vision, where they were swept aside by the wipers. Serrano got out of the car, leaned in, and said, “Thanks.” Then he shut the door and walked off.
Tally watched as Serrano walked to a bodega on the corner, his hair immediately carpeted with falling snow. Tally couldn’t watch. She’d seen this story before. Alcohol and melancholy went hand in hand.
Tally put on her blinker and drove off. She let one tear slide down her cheek and quickly wiped it away. One tear in private. That’s all she’d allow herself. She couldn’t drown in other people’s sorrows. John Serrano had an ocean of sadness he had to swim every single day. It wasn’t her job to continually toss him a life raft when he drifted.
One of these days, Tally thought ruefully, Serrano would go under. She couldn’t let him drag her down too.
CHAPTER 12
By the time Rachel got home, she was cold, wet, shivering, exhausted, and scared. It was well after 8:00 p.m. She’d called Iris while running to the car from the Drummond house, praying she wouldn’t slip and break her neck while doing so, pleading with her sitter not to leave her children home alone.
When Rachel opened the front door, she saw Iris standing in the foyer, her coat already on, purse slung over her shoulder. Rachel knew at that moment they’d never see each other again.
“I’m sorry,” Rachel said. “I don’t know what else to say.”
“I love your children,” Iris said, her voice full of regret. “But you need to find someone else to take care of them.”
The comment cut through Rachel like a blade, searing her from stomach to eyes.
“Please,” Rachel said, her voice trembling. “I’m begging you, Iris. We need you.”
“You’ve always been kind to me, Ms. Marin. But we’ll have this same conversation next week. And the week after that too. I already said goodbye to Eric and Megan. They don’t understand. But that has to be on you to explain it to them, not me.”
“I’ll pay you more,” Rachel said. “Just name your price.”
Iris shook her head. “This job isn’t always about the money.”
She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Rachel. Rachel hugged her back weakly, feeling like every last bit of energy had been siphoned from her body. She remembered how hard it had been to find Iris. Demand for good, responsible nannies in Ashby far outpaced supply. With Iris’s impeccable credentials and referrals, Rachel had agreed to pay her fifty dollars more per day than what other families were offering. Rachel couldn’t have just anyone watching her children. Not after what they’d been through.
“I’m sorry,” Rachel said.
“I am too.” Then Iris picked up her umbrella and walked out of their lives.
Rachel took a deep breath and went upstairs to face her children. Her mind was racing. She’d need to find a stopgap solution. Another sitter. Eric wasn’t old enough to watch Megan alone, and given his tempestuous attitude recently, she wasn’t sure she’d even trust him.
Megan’s door was cracked open. She was lying on the floor with a carton of markers and pages of colorful paper spilled out in front of her. One such page read Sadie Scout and the Mystery of the Easter Egg Hunt. Rachel smiled. She loved that her daughter’s imagination was churning at such an early age. Both she and Eric had been bookworms, devouring every book they could get their hands on. It warmed Rachel’s heart to see her making something of her own. For a moment, Rachel stood in the doorway, marveling at this small, gorgeous girl feeding her bottomless imagination.
“I hear you, Mom,” Megan said, still scribbling. She didn’t turn around, just grabbed another page and continued coloring. Then, dramatically, she flipped onto her back and craned her head up. “You try to be all sneaky, but I can hear you.”
“You’re like a little sonar machine,” Rachel said, smiling warmly.
“Somar? What’s that?”
“Sonar, not somar. It’s a device that can pick up the smallest, tiniest sounds. Sounds nothing else can hear.”
“So I’m like a radar.”
“You are. My beautiful little radar.”
Megan thought for a moment. She seemed to like the idea of being a radar.
“Iris said she isn’t coming back,” Megan said. “Is that true?”
Rachel’s heart felt heavy. She sat down next to Megan and put her hand on her daughter’s leg. Megan wasn’t crying. That saddened Rachel. Megan was used to saying goodbye.
“Yes. I’m so sorry, sweetie.”
“How come she’s not coming back? I asked her, but she didn’t really say much. She said you would tell us.”
Rachel sighed.
“Mommy messed up. Mommy messed up big-time,” Rachel said.
“How did you mess up?”
“Iris has her own family. Her own life. Not just you and Eric. And, well, Mommy made it hard for Iris.”