She smiled knowingly. “Don’t underestimate yourself, dear.”
That certainly wasn’t a problem. What I had done was overestimate myself. I had overestimated my ability to remain aloof. I had overestimated my desire in securing the man I’d thought I’d wanted. The only thing I had underestimated was how wrong I always seemed to be.
It didn’t take long for the gentlemen to join us. My father’s eyes focused on me briefly when he entered, something of interest and amusement in them. Gregory headed straight for the window. Mr. Northam approached me. “Should we play cards this evening?”
The suggestion was a welcome diversion from the music that had been requested so often. I immediately agreed. “Lord Williams, will you join us?’
“Oh, Williams never plays cards,” Mr. Northam remarked disdainfully.
That wasn’t true. Gregory had played cards with Daniel at my own house.
I was about to say as much, but Mr. Northam continued, “Besides, we already have four players.” Casting one last look at Gregory standing alone at the side of the room, I took the seat between Mr. Northam and my father.
Halfway through our game, Gregory had the folding doors between the drawing room and the music room opened and began playing the piano. The first song was a plaintive one that had Lady Williams lifting her eyebrows and glancing at him. But, as my father played the last trick and won the game, Gregory began a new song. It took only a few notes to identify the music as the piece I’d played at the Hickmores’.
The vein in Mr. Northam’s neck stood out. “Shall we play another round?” His light tone did not quite disguise the clenching of his teeth.
It was something to do with the song. But whatever battle was raging between these two men, I wanted no part in it. It seemed too dangerous a place to be.
I stood. “Thank you, Mr. Northam, but I’d rather not. As you have witnessed, I am not much of a card player. Perhaps his lordship will take my place.”
Moving to a chair in the corner of the room, I picked up the book lying on the table. Once I was settled, I opened it to the middle and realized it was a farming almanac. I would look ridiculous pretending to read a farming almanac. The book under it, however, was the novel Mr. Northam had picked out.
What was I going to do? What choice should I make? Security with almost certain misery? Or heartache with a chance at love? I needed to make the decision, and I needed to make it now.
Was Gregory even still a choice? I looked up, hoping something in his expression would let me know, but only a disapproving frown greeted me.
What about how he’d held my hand? How he’d told me he didn’t want to be formal with me? Was that only when we were alone? Was it some sort of game to him, one he wasn’t willing to play when others were around?
Mr. Northam took the chair beside me and a new thought struck me: if I married Mr. Northam, how would I ever be able to face Gregory again?
I couldn’t. We would be forever lost to each other.
Yet our families would have to meet; we would have to endure each other’s presence. I would have to become acquainted with his wife.
No. That wasn’t what I wanted. I would never be strong enough for that.
Mr. Northam leaned close. “It is a shame, Miss Brinton, that we are always surrounded by others. Small gatherings do not afford the possibility of escape that larger ones do.”
“You are quite correct, Mr. Northam.”
“I had hoped to find a moment alone with you today. An uninterrupted moment.”
I flushed at the memory of our almost kiss, embarrassed by what I had been willing to settle for, mortified that I had remained in a room with him alone. What would have happened if Daniel hadn’t appeared?
A slow smile of pleasure grew on his face. Perhaps he believed I longed for another such moment. Maybe I should. But I couldn’t.
I didn’t want him.
Even if Gregory no longer wanted me, even if the appearance of his cousin had made him change his mind as his actions of the day seemed to imply, I still didn’t want Mr. Northam, or the security he offered me.
“Perhaps tomorrow will prove more fortuitous.” I kept my eyes locked on Mr. Northam, though my whole being wanted to look at Gregory.
“Then tomorrow can’t come soon enough.”
It was the escape I needed. I stood. “I couldn’t agree more. If you will excuse me, I am feeling overly tired.”
“Of course,” he replied, rising and taking my hand to kiss it.
Thirty-Three
I excused myself from the room. Gregory didn’t heed me, and as I made my way up the stairs, I despaired that Mr. Northam’s appearance had washed away any chance that had remained with Gregory.
Not that I’d wanted another chance.
Except now, I did.
When I neared the top, heavy steps sounded on the stairs, sending me scrambling into the shadows of the now-dark ballroom with a pounding heart. What would I say to Mr. Northam? Could he really not have waited for morning?
Gregory appeared in the doorway, his face hidden in shadow, his body outlined by the light spilling into the room from the hall behind him.
Had he come after me? Or had he come for some other purpose and didn’t know I was in the room? “My lord?” I moved into the soft glow of moonlight streaming through one of the windows.
He stepped into the room, leaving the door open. “I’m sorry if I startled you.”
I shrugged, but realized he probably couldn’t see my gesture. “Is there something you needed?”
His quiet laugh sounded scornful.
I waited a moment after the laughter died. “If there is nothing, I should go.”
He stalked forward. “I was given to understand that you have no fear of being alone with men in ballrooms.”
A gasp at his rudeness escaped me. Perhaps I had been correct in refusing him after all.
I stepped back. “On the contrary, it appears that men have no scruples about cornering me in ballrooms when what I wish for is solitude.”
“Is that what you wish for now?”
Did he have to ask a question that I couldn’t answer honestly? “Perhaps if I knew why you were here, I could better answer your question.”
His hand reached up as though to touch my cheek but then hesitated and fell back down. “I thought it would have been obvious.”
Disappointment flooded me at the lack of contact. “I assure you, nothing about this day has been obvious.”
“Has it not?”
“No.”
“Not even my cousin’s attentions to you?”
“That obviously has more to do with you than with me.”
“Yet you encourage him.”
No response formed in my mind. He was correct. I had encouraged Mr. Northam.
“He relayed to me all that transpired at the Hickmores’ after I left,” Gregory said.
“You mean after you walked out in the middle of my performance, humiliating me.” My rebuke rang around the room.
“I am sorry for that.”
“Why did you do it?”
“I needed to leave.”
“And your departure could not have waited a few minutes more?”
He didn’t reply.
With a huff, I turned and walked into the alcove.