I would do it. I would tell him yes and let him rescue me from my foolishness and my selfishness and my longing for Lord Williams. I would accept his offer, and he would take me away from the past, away from this place, away from my memories of hurtful love.
Away to some place different, yes. But not away from who I was.
I would merely be changing one place of stagnation for another. I wouldn’t really be changing anything except location and marital status. I wouldn’t be free.
Neither would he.
What good was the future if it contained only the prison of the past?
“Mr. Lundall.” I hesitated, then placed my hand lightly on his arm. “I wish you to know that I appreciate your attentions and your offer. If I were a wiser woman, I am certain I would accept you. But I do not love you. I am afraid I cannot marry without that love.”
“I do not need your love.” His eyes pleaded for it to be true though his voice betrayed his doubt.
I dropped my hand. “You may not, but I need to love the man I marry. And I expect love in return. Marriage would become no more than a prison for us both.”
After a moment of quiet, he asked, “You are certain?”
No. I wasn’t certain. He might be the last man to ever offer for me. And then what would become of me?
But I was certain that remaining as I was would not free me.
I wanted to be free. “Yes,” I replied.
Mr. Lundall’s smile was sad and resigned. “Very well.” He put his hat on. “I bid you a good day.” Then he turned and walked out of the room.
Forty
I settled myself at the piano after dinner a few days later with a collection of music before me. Daniel approached a short while later. “Leave off playing, Margaret. Come join me for a game of chess.”
“No, thank you.”
“How about cards, then? I’ll persuade mother and father to join us.”
“Mother never plays cards. Besides, I do not feel like a game tonight.”
“I suppose this has nothing to do with a certain someone? Is it safe to say his name?”
I stopped playing. “I cannot think who you mean.”
“This is so much worse than after Edward. These morose songs on the piano, the lack of a proper display of character—even Louisa commented on it.”
It was worse than with Edward. So much worse, in fact, that I began to doubt I’d even been in love with Edward. Perhaps I’d only ever been in love with the idea of him. Because I had never felt this empty before, as though everything within me had been washed away and all that was left was this pain that made it difficult to breathe.
Last time, everyone had expected me to mourn. It had been acceptable to show my grief. This time, however, it wasn’t. And it appeared I hadn’t been doing a good enough job at hiding it. I’d do better. Be better.
I would not let this drag me under.
Standing, I said, “Not in front of her mother, I hope.” I admired Lady Rosthorn, but in her desire to show compassion she would certainly tell Mrs. Johnson, and then the whole town would know.
“Louisa is not in the habit of keeping confidences from her mother. Besides, I thought you didn’t even like him.”
“I didn’t. I don’t.”
“Yes. I can see you don’t. How foolish of me to deduce otherwise.”
Declaring my intention to retire for the evening, I bid my parents a good night with the intent of checking on Alice before going to bed. Daniel followed me into the hall.
“The lake is being drained tomorrow.”
I spun around. “What? Are you sure about this decision, Daniel? Lord Williams isn’t exactly the most forthright of men.”
“Whatever his failings, his advice regarding the managing of the estate was sound.”
So that was it. I had won my freedom but failed to secure the lake. I would forever have Lord Williams to thank for the giant scar marring our landscape and serving as a reminder of our time together. Defeat slumped my shoulders. “I hope it goes well.”
“No fight? No tantrum about how it shouldn’t be done?”
“I’ve grown weary of fighting.”
“Father told me what happened. Well, not all of it. He doesn’t know what happened exactly at the end.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“If it didn’t matter, why have you not smiled since your return?”
“What have I had to smile about? Alice’s illness?”
“My engagement to Louisa.”
He was correct. I should be smiling about it. I forced my lips to curve. “Yes. You are right. I am very happy for you.”
He shook his head. “You are not happy at all.”
The corners of my lips fell back down. “I’m working on it.”
Daniel settled a hand on my shoulder before I could leave. “I’m sorry for what occurred. Truly I am. Which is why I came to forewarn you: Lord Williams will be here tomorrow. He has agreed to oversee the project.”
What? “You invited him, after everything?”
“I wrote to thank him for sending the doctor from London and—”
“He sent the doctor?”
Daniel’s brows drew together. “Didn’t you know?”
“I thought it was Father’s doing.”
“Does Father know a doctor in London?”
I shrugged.
“Anyway, I wrote to thank Lord Williams and informed him I was moving forward with his idea. He insisted on attending. He felt it was his responsibility, since he was the one who proposed the project in the first place.”
Business. He was coming on business, to see a project through. Perhaps he didn’t want it to end up a failure since it would have his name associated with it. Sending for the doctor was probably merely business as well, a way to clear his name in case the worst should have happened. “I understand.”
“I hope you’ll still come.” Daniel squeezed my shoulder with affection and reentered the drawing room.
The next morning I hurried down the path to the lake, anxious to watch the morning rays sparkle off its surface one last time. A breeze blew through the trees, the soft rustle of their leaves a background murmur to the twitter of birdsong. But the lake still stood stagnant and brown.
My time at Lord Williams’s had darkened everything I used to love; no matter how I tried to focus on the way the light danced off the water, I could not dismiss how my senses seemed more aware of the mucky marshland around the lake’s edge and the putrid stink that assaulted me with every breeze. The lake had all the appearance of life, but just beneath the surface all that really existed was death.
How long would it take for the path to disappear completely when no one walked it? How long before the scars of something I loved disappeared once it was drained? I reached up to tear a leaf from a tree, then let my hand drop away empty. It was better just to leave it be and move on.
When I reached the rocky shore, a spot of white on the boulder caught my attention. A white rose about to bloom lay alone in the sun. I glanced around, but there was no one near. Retrieving it, I brought it to my nose, smelling its freshness and life. Perhaps Daniel had left it for Louisa.
She wouldn’t find it. She was busy planning a ball and a wedding and wouldn’t have time for a morning walk. I determined to take it back to him, so he could give it to her properly.