He looks at me carefully before he continues, and then drops his gaze as if he doesn’t want to look at my face, to see the expression in my eyes.
‘She’s going to be in prison for a long time. Not only for what she did to Millie, but for ordering the murder of a man and for being involved for many years with organised crime.’
I’m waiting, but I know what’s coming.
‘If it’s true that I’m the baby’s father, and I have no reason to think otherwise, she would like me – us – to bring him or her up. She’ll have the baby in prison, but because she’s inevitably going to get a long sentence it’s not clear how long she’ll be allowed to keep the child with her.’
I can’t move. I can hardly breathe. I just stare at him.
Ash wants me to allow the baby of the woman who abducted Millie into our home – to raise as my own. And I know that if he or she lives with us, I could do no less than make them part of our family. An innocent child deserves to be loved, whatever their mother did.
I can’t bring myself to answer. Not yet. This is a huge decision.
‘And if I say no?’
He doesn’t answer, but he doesn’t have to. He isn’t capable of seeing a baby of his adopted or fostered, any more than I would be. If I say no to this, then Ash will leave and Millie will still want to see her daddy, so she’ll inevitably think of this child as her brother or sister, wherever they live.
‘There’s more,’ he says quietly.
My eyes have still not left his face. He’s very pale beneath the natural golden glow of his skin.
‘She wants to get to know the child too – while she’s in prison. Family ties are actively encouraged, and she wants me to visit every month until the child is sixteen and able to decide for him- or herself. It’s a condition of being named on the birth certificate and allowing me to bring up my child.’
I almost smile at her cunning. I know this is her way of telling me – us – that she’s not letting him go. Even after all that’s happened, she’s fighting to keep Ash in her life and wants to cast her shadow over everything we do. And I know that if he agrees to her terms, he will abide by his word.
If I say yes, Millie will grow up irrevocably linked to the woman who abducted her, and I will nurture her child, loving him or her – as I know I will.
If I say no, Ash will leave and not only will Millie lose her daddy, but I will lose the man I still love, whatever his mistakes.
I’m standing, staring at him, when the door bursts open and Millie rushes in.
‘Daddy!’ she shouts, throwing herself at him.
He picks her up and holds her, and I see the first smile on my child’s face for days. Ash turns to look at me over his shoulder, and I can see the pleading in his eyes. He lifts an arm as if to draw me into their circle, and I ache to join them, to squeeze them both tightly, to sandwich Millie between us in the way that she loves, to forget that any of this has happened. But I can’t move, and finally his arm drops to his side.
I feel a tingle on the back of my neck, as if eyes are watching me, and I realise that whatever I decide and however hard I fight to protect my family, Ruth will always be there, right behind me.
***