I know Liam loves this baby. I also know he wanted to be there today. Logically, I even realize that none of this was his fault. Not really. But my heart refuses to see reason. Knowing all of this doesn’t lessen the disappointment I feel pulling me under. It’s dredging up all the fears that things will revert back to the way they were the last time we were married.
That pain. That loneliness. That godawful feeling of never being enough. I just don’t think I can go through that again.
When I came to bed, I deliberately positioned myself as close to the edge as possible, hoping he’d take the hint and give me some space. But the overbearing man presses himself right up against me anyway, molding his torso to my back. Enveloping me in his warmth. Drugging me with his scent.
To push him away would be to admit that I’ve been lying awake thinking of this shit all night, and I’m far too proud for that. So, instead I lay completely still, not moving a muscle, biting back sobs that want so desperately to escape that they’re scorching the back of my throat.
It isn’t until I hear the rhythmic sound of his snoring that I begin to relax into his hold and finally drift off to sleep.
“Good morning, gorgeous!”
I squint against the sun shining bright through the open window to find my husband clad in a backward ball cap and the floral apron Ellie got me for my birthday last year. He’s bare-chested with a low-slung pair of black and white Adidas track pants and bare feet. If he thinks he’s going to seduce me out of my hormonal wrath, he’s got another thing coming.
“Go away.” I grab his pillow and use it to sandwich my head. “I’m still wallowing.”
“Aren’t you even going to ask me what’s on this tray?” He waves it side to side like he’s trying to lure a baby with candy.
The sweet smell of food wafts into the air, and my stomach growls loudly. The smirk on his face tells me he didn’t miss the duplicitous sound. “Fine. What is it?” With reluctance, I sit up in the bed, pulling the comforter to my chest to hide my erect nipples. He may not be able to win me over with sex, but food is my kryptonite these days.
The silver domed lid makes a clanking noise when he removes it, setting it on the bedside table before he lowers the tray to my lap. “Nutella stuffed pancakes with syrup and a side of bacon… because nothing says I’m sorry like a plate full of soggy bacon.” Nice and stretchy. Just the way I like.
His dimpled smile could melt the panties off a nun. But they’re no match for a wife scorned. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself while I hold my breath to avoid smelling him. One whiff of his cologne while he’s dressed like that and all bets are off.
“Sounds delicious. Thank you.”
He watches with rapt fascination as I cut into the stack of fluffy pancakes and fork the first bite into my mouth. “Mmm. This is really good.”
“Found it on a pregnancy board.” He beams. “The women were all going gaga over it.”
I nod, trying to keep my eyes trained on the food in front of me so I won’t be tempted by what’s not so hidden behind that apron. Stupid happy trail. I clear my throat, shaking the lust from my eyes. “So good.”
“Good enough to make you wanna forgive me and maybe—just possibly—share the gender of our baby?”
I choke. “Hardly.”
“But you’re starting to forgive me, right?”
“I don’t know that there’s anything to forgive.”
His Adam’s apple bobs. “What does that mean?”
“It means I’m hurt, Liam. I’m disappointed. And I’m fucking scared out of my mind.” I hate being vulnerable. I’d much rather be a total bitch to avoid it. But these vexing pregnancy hormones have turned me into a ball of sentiment. “No one has ever been able to hurt me the way you can, and you do it without even trying. I don’t like feeling this way.”
He sits on the side of the bed, rubbing my shin through the blanket. “I don’t mean to. I just want us to be okay.”
“I’m sure we will be.” I set the fork and knife down on the tray, my appetite diminished with the overflow of emotions I’m feeling. I rake both hands into my hair and stare up at the ceiling to avoid the forlorn look on his face.
“Wanna go for a drive?” He steeples his hands together beneath his chin, begging with those baby blues.
He’s as bad as a child, and just as hard to refuse. I sigh. “Sure. Why not?” And as easy as that, I’m beat.
I take a quick shower then slip into a pair of black leggings and an off-white fleece sweater. After drying my hair, I coat the dark circles under my eyes with concealer. There’s no avoiding wearing makeup today. I look like death, with all the crying yesterday and lack of sleep last night.
“You’re a pain in my ass already, know that, little one?” I rub a gentle hand over my hard belly. The answering nudge against my palm feels a lot like an agreement. I find myself laughing as I head out to join the man it suddenly takes far too much effort to stay mad at.
“Where’re we going?” I ask when he holds the door open and helps me into his truck.
“Just for a drive.” He kisses my cheek and skips around to the driver’s side with a huge grin on his face.
With a nod, I accept his answer, even though he’s far too excited to be going for some random drive around town. Liam works quick. Who knows what he’s cooked up during the hours I spent sleeping off my sob-fest this morning?
“Don’t you have things to take care of with the club today?” I can’t believe I’m the one bringing that place up, but I don’t need him getting arrested. It’s the last thing I want to have to explain to Ellie.
“Nope. Not today.”
He doesn’t say more, and I don’t push, content to lay my head on the leather headrest and watch the scenery pass by.
Before long we’re pulling in behind a fancy white sports car at a new build in Kennedi’s neighborhood. The gated community is one I’ve always admired, with beautiful brick homes. The developers brought in tons of mature trees, giving it a homey, established feel that many new subdivisions lack. “What are we doing here?”
He takes my hand, his own vibrating with excitement. Maybe even fear. I can’t really tell right now, and it’s sort of tripping me out. “I set up an appointment for us to go in and have a look at it. Building an office would only be a temporary fix. I plan to keep you barefoot and pregnant for the foreseeable future. It won’t be long before you’re knocked up again and we’re in a similar situation.”
My head jerks back and I give him my signature side-eye, even though I’m not at all turned off by the idea. I’ve always wanted a large family. It just hasn’t been in the cards…until now.
His lip quirks up into a grin. “I thought it might be wiser to just bite the bullet now and get a bigger place. The car in front of us belongs to the realtor. She said the house’ll be ready in about two months. We’d have plenty of time to move in and get settled before our son is born.”
“That all sounds amazing, but we can’t afford a house in this neighborhood, Liam. These are million-dollar homes!”