I was sure they wouldn’t be offering me a shower and fresh clothes if they knew I had slit the throat of one of their commanders. That was two years ago. I couldn’t remember exactly what his sins had been, just that many Vendans had died under his command and that was reason enough for the Komizar to send me.
This is for Eben, I had told him before I slashed the blade, though I didn’t know if he had anything to do with killing Eben’s parents. Now I wished I knew. I wished I could remember all the reasons.
That was a lifetime ago, Kaden. We were both different people then.
“Something wrong?” Tavish asked.
The soldiers had returned with supplies and were waiting for me to follow.
“No,” I answered. “Nothing’s wrong.”
We continued on to the showers, and I was grateful that the water was warm. It wasn’t like the vagabond hot springs that had practically boiled the grime away, but it was easier on sore muscles than the ice water of the Sanctum. It felt good to wash off the blood of men who had once been my comrades, those I had ridden with only months ago—yet today I had helped kill them.
“Looks like Griz is going to be all right.”
I kept my head under the water, pretending I didn’t hear Tavish. Was he fishing for compliments? Just because he had stitched Griz up out in the wilderness?
When I turned to give him a cool reply, he was scrubbing under his arms and studying me. I didn’t like Rafe or his deceptive friends, but the truth was, Tavish had saved Griz’s life, and I did owe him thanks. Griz was still my comrade—maybe my only one.
“You’re skilled with a needle,” I offered.
“Only out of necessity,” he answered, turning off the water. “No one else wants the job.” He toweled off and began to get dressed. “Funny, Rafe won’t shove a tiny piece of steel into someone’s cheek, but he can bring down three men with the single swing of his sword without even breaking a sweat. But you already know that, don’t you?”
A not-so-subtle warning. I remembered him watching my exchange with Rafe back in the surgeon’s barracks. He obviously didn’t appreciate my lack of regal respect.
“He’s not my king. I won’t be bending my knee to him like the rest of you.”
“He’s not a bad fellow if you give him a chance.”
“I’d expect you to say something like that, but I’m not here for chances or to be someone’s friend. I’m here for Lia.”
“Then you’re here for the wrong reason, Assassin.” He tightened his belt and adjusted his scabbard. His eyes were hot black pools. “One other word of advice—be cautious when you use the privies. Especially late at night. I’ve heard they can be dangerous. Surprising, isn’t it?” He turned and left, ordering the guards outside to wait until I was done.
He had been studying me more closely than I thought. It was only a simple glance at the privy, but he’d seen it and put it together. No doubt he’d be keeping a diligent eye on me—or making sure someone else did. He was probably already telling Rafe about his suspicions.
Had any of them noted that I had fought on their side today?
I continued to shower, in no hurry to join back up with the guards who waited for me. I wondered when and if I would see Lia again. Rafe wouldn’t make it easy, especially now that he was—
I shoved my head back under the water. I hadn’t even gotten used to the idea of him being a prince, and now he was a blazing king. I sputtered water out and scrubbed my chest. Did Lia really think he would traipse behind her all the way to—
I turned off the water.
He won’t go to Morrighan.
But that won’t stop her.
Something warm slivered into me.
I felt hope again.
He didn’t know her like I did.
There were a lot of things he didn’t know.
There was even the possibility that Lia was using him the way she had used me.
That same thought tumbled into another.
There were also things she didn’t know about him, and maybe it was time she found out.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Night fell early, and I heard a distant hum. A song? Was it possible their eventide passed here with remembrances of the girl Morrighan too? It didn’t seem likely, and yet we had all sprung from the same beginnings. How far had those beginnings diverged? The night tugged at me, a quiet pull I wanted to give in to, yet the golden lit windows of the officer’s dining room lay ahead.
I followed Madam Rathbone up the steps of a large wooden structure with a wide veranda all the way around it.
“Wait,” I said, grabbing her arm. “I need a moment.”
A furrow lined her brow. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
“I know,” I said, slightly breathless. “I’ll be right in. Please.”
She left and I turned, bracing myself against the railing.
I had always faced others’ expectations, usually with little patience, snapping at the cabinet who pressured me in one way or another, but now I had to deal with another kind of expectation that I didn’t fully understand. It was mired in complications, and I wasn’t sure how to navigate them. Your future queen. When I walked through the door of the dining room, that was what they would see. I had told Kaden that I would somehow make it all work, but I knew I couldn’t. It was impossible. Someone always came out on the losing end. I didn’t want it to be me and Rafe.
I looked to the western sky and its constellations: Aster’s Diamonds, God’s Goblet, and Dragon’s Tail. The stars that hovered over Morrighan. I kissed my fingers and lifted them to the heavens, to home, to those I had left behind, to everyone I loved, including the dead. “Enade meunter ijotande,” I whispered, then turned and pushed open the door of the dining room.
Rafe was the first person I saw, and I secretly thanked the gods, because it made my heart weightless, soaring somewhere high and free. He stood when he saw me, and the look in his eyes made me grateful for Madam Rathbone’s, Adeline’s, and Vilah’s efforts. They had chosen well. His gaze made my heart settle back down, now warm and full in my chest.
I looked past officers, wives, and whoever else was there, to where he stood at the end of the long dining room table, mesmerized. It was the first time I had ever seen Rafe dressed in his own kingdom’s clothing. It was strangely unnerving, a confirmation of who he really was. He wore a deep blue officer’s tunic over a loose black shirt, and a dark leather baldrick embossed with Dalbreck’s crest crossed his chest. His hair had been trimmed, and his face gleamed with a close shave.
I sensed heads turning, but I kept my eyes locked on Rafe, and my feet glided over the floor to his side. This was it. I had no understanding of Dalbreck’s formal customs. The Royal Scholar had tried to school me in the most basic of greetings, but I had skipped his lessons. Rafe held his hand out to me, and when I took it, I was shocked that he pulled me close and kissed me in front of everyone. A long, scandalous kiss. I felt color rush to my cheeks. If this was a custom, I liked it.
When I turned to face the rest of the guests, it was quite apparent this sort of greeting was not standard protocol. Some of the ladies had color on their cheeks too, and Sven’s hand rested over his mouth as if he was trying to conceal a frown.