I hardly see Lukas, Helena, and Willem, but when I do, the strain of Sylvie’s fate reveals itself in the slow, careful way we maintain our distance from each other. No one wants to dig too deep, reveal too much. The police have no news. I found out from Helena that Sylvie had been taking cello lessons in the Brouwersgracht in Amsterdam, the area where I’d seen the houseboats. She gave me the likeliest route Sylvie would have driven with her rental car.
Filip finally returned my many texts with a suggestion that we get together but now I am too distressed to be distracted by a crush. Karin told me they’ve already gone over the main areas with their dogs and will start their intensive search this weekend.
I had phoned Karin yesterday to share the information about the music lessons, and asked if I could accompany her team today.
She hesitated. “We do not usually allow family members.”
Two weeks ago, I would have apologized and hung up the phone. But everything was different now. “Why is that?”
“Because if we succeed in our search, it can be . . . upsetting.”
The pit of my stomach dropped away. I tried to speak but had difficulty swallowing. I’d forced myself to face this possibility yet could barely utter the words. “You mean if you find a body.”
“Yes.” Her voice was quiet and compassionate.
“I know that Sylvie might be dead.” Was that my voice? It shook so badly, I wondered if she could understand me—just saying it made me want to burst into tears—but we still didn’t know anything yet. I would keep my hope alive until the very end. I tried to still my trembling by wrapping my free arm around myself. “I understand the situation. It’s just that I might think of something during the search that could help. I’d like to be there. None of us can predict how we’ll react in a bad situation, but I promise I’ll do my best not to become hysterical. Please. I need to do everything I can to help you find my sister.”
After a moment, she said, “All right. One of our divers is coming along too, which is unusual at this stage. They do not usually join until the dogs have found something. Since he is willing to help, I can give another member of my crew the day off.”
I had a suspicion. “Anyone I know?” Would he come?
“His name is Filip. I believe he is a friend of yours.” My fear for Sylvie had burned away my desire, but I was still glad he cared enough to come. I’d at least have someone I trust there with me.
Now I know why Dutch painters were obsessed with the sky. Stretched above the flat landscape, the morning boils and eddies, the roiling clouds battling a single sharp patch of obstinate sunlight. Filip’s eyes are bright against the gray water as he stretches out his arm to help me onto their floating rigid boat. His hand is warm and strong. I’m glad to have him with us. Karin holds on to the leashes of the dogs Ajax and Feyenoord, who are eagerly perched on the hull. I feel the craft sway as it adjusts to my weight and then we push off from the pier. I feel I am leaving all I have known behind.
Both Filip and Karin wear high-visibility one-piece waterproof coveralls, though I catch a glimpse of a black diving suit beneath Filip’s. He settles down behind the wheel, where a sonar screen is bleeping, as I take a seat in the middle of the boat. I pull on the life vest Karin hands to me. They’ve picked me up close to the café I visited with Lukas and Estelle what seems an eternity ago, and we’re heading toward Amsterdam alongside the roads Sylvie would have taken to her music lessons. Ajax and Feyenoord wag their tails, antsy and impatient, at the front of the boat.
I huddle in my seat, chewing my nails to the quick. “How can the dogs smell anything in this? The police seemed to think that there’d be no scent trail with a car. Is that why you use two dogs?”
Karin is busy checking some piece of equipment against her map, so Filip answers me. “Ajax is the lead dog. The little one is in training. We are not actually trying to track her scent. We are checking to see if she has gone into the water.”
For a moment, I’m confused. If she were in the water, wouldn’t we see the boat? Then I understand and feel like there’s a thick woolen blanket smothering me. “You mean if she’s drowned.” This is a dream, a nightmare. This can’t be true. My beautiful sister, where are you? This strange country, this landscape of water in the air, water in the sky, and water beneath our feet. We sail past once-vibrant flower fields now fading, their sagging blooms pulled back toward the earth.
He nods and there’s genuine grief in his eyes. He seems older today, the lines on his face etching his distress at accompanying me on such a dark day. He reaches out to give me a quick pat on the arm. “It does not mean she has done so. Just to rule it out. Human remains emit specific gases for a long time that rise to the surface. The dogs are trained to zero in on that scent. If they find something, they will jump in, but there can often be false alarms, which is why we have all this other equipment on board.”
Karin finishes fiddling with her gear and joins our conversation. “Then we search with sonar and if there is enough reason to believe it would be worthwhile, the diving team is called in, though we are lucky to have our own diver here today.”
I scratch at a small cut on my hand until a droplet of blood oozes onto my skin. My heart beats so quickly I can hardly breathe. How can we be having this discussion about Sylvie? “I thought—I thought bodies floated to the surface.”
Karin answers, “It depends on the time of year. Yes, if it has been warm, the chances of a body being washed ashore are greater, or that a fisherman would find it. But if it is a cold spring, like it has been this year, a body could never be found. It can be underwater, eaten by fishes, stuck in a hole or a cave.”
I bury my head in my hands. This is all too much. I refuse to believe this could be true. Please, please, please, let this not have happened to my Sylvie. I feel a comforting arm around my shoulders and realize Filip’s now sitting beside me.
I cling to him, trying not to cry, until I hear him whisper in my ear, “I know this is difficult. But Karin has that look on her face. You need to pull it together or she will remove you from the boat.”
This wakes me up. I take deep breaths and wipe my face. I sit up and indeed, Karin is assessing me with her sharp eyes. “I’m all right. It just got to me for a moment.” I try to think of something to say to distract her. I gesture to the expanse around us as a relentless drizzle begins to fall from the sky, soaking us. “The area is huge. How can you ever search it all?”
Filip pulls up his hood and says, “We try to proceed very logically. If it was suicide—”
“Sylvie would never kill herself,” I interrupt. I know my sister. She would never give up. So talented, so dazzling. Never.
“Okay, but to explore all the possibilities for a moment. Most people choose a spot where they liked to go. A place they went fishing, for example, or close to their family home, or a spot they met their lover. One man drowned himself near a fish stand where he always went with his son.”
I say in a small voice, “I was hoping you were trying to catch her scent from the trees or something, that she would be lost in the forest.” I was so naive.
Karin crosses over to kneel before me. Her weathered face is kind. She takes both my hands in hers. “We went through the area on land yesterday and came up empty. That is why we are searching the water today. If we do not find anything, we will look there again. Most of the time, Amy, if we succeed, then people can move on. Sometimes that is all we can offer.”