Amy, I will not be around to watch out for you. You must learn to care for yourself.
I sat in the dark waiting as the sleeping pills took effect. As it grew murkier and the world around me faded into oblivion, I stepped on the gas. The headlights came on automatically and I switched them off. The icy water would make things quick. I started to fade and woke myself up. I did not want to be found here on the grass. I wanted to disappear, to return to the great oblivion of the sea, to our true home, the land of the unliving from which we had all originated.
The car lurched, picked up speed, launched itself from the earth, and was free.
Chapter 31
Amy
Monday, May 16
We are silent after listening to Ma’s story. My head spins. I feel nauseous. I cup my nose and mouth in my hands and breathe deeply to stop from passing out. When I recover enough to look around, Pa’s face is wooden and streaked with red, whether from embarrassment or anger, I do not know. Helena is blinking back tears and Willem stares at the floor. I slowly realize that I am the only one who is utterly astounded. The rest of them already knew.
“How did you find out?” I ask Lukas, who is still bent over, gripping the back of the chair.
He wipes his face with his sleeve, unable to answer, and taps his ear.
There is a pause, and then Willem touches his own ear. “She has the same birthmark. That is how I always knew she was mine.”
Helena’s voice is low and choked with emotion. “I hated her for it. I wanted to despise you too, but I love you too much. There was not enough room for hate. I am only a fool.” She turns her face away.
Ma’s hand flies to her mouth at Helena’s revelation. She presses her lips together to hold back her tears. “If you know, if you hate Sylvie, why you not send her home?”
Helena speaks with her back to us. “I was afraid of losing Willem and Lukas. They loved her so much. And despite myself, I loved her too. Like I said, I am an idiot.”
Willem walks over and tentatively rests the palm of one hand on her upper arm, as if he’s afraid of driving her further away from him. “I am sorrier than I can ever say. I love you, Helena. I have always been yours.”
Ma stares at him with anguish and heartbreak in her eyes. I realize she has been in love with this man all these years. She squeezes her eyes shut and I can see her dreams dissolve behind her lids. This, I now understand, is the reason Willem stared at me so, because I resemble Ma.
Pa clasps his hands together in front of his face so hard his knuckles turn white. His voice wobbles, unused to carrying the emotional weight of his words. “I knew what was between the two of you. I did not understand you had already acted on your feelings for each other, not until much later. But still, I spoke to Willem before we ever left China.”
Ma’s head snaps toward him. “What?”
Pa hits his forehead with his fisted hand and closes his eyes. “I wanted to give you your freedom. I wanted you to be happy.”
Her breathing is shallow. She’s hardly able to speak, and stares at him as if seeing him for the first time. “You never tell me.”
Now Pa looks away and doesn’t answer.
Willem glances at Helena’s back, then hardens his face. “I refused. He did not wish to hurt you. That is why he said nothing. I chose Helena, all those years ago.”
Slowly, Helena turns around. She still doesn’t meet his gaze but lets him hold her by her shoulders. Ma closes her eyes and collapses against the couch, as if she can no longer hold herself upright. Then with her eyes still closed, she reaches for Pa’s hand and grasps it in both of her own. He does not hold hers back but he does not pull away either.
I catch Willem’s furtive, pained look at Ma and know that he may have chosen Helena, perhaps for her money, but he has always been in love with my mother. In this, I am wise enough to know when to keep silent.
Willem says, his voice thick, “I only regret I never held Sylvie after she knew she was my daughter.”
Pa glares at him. “She was my daughter.”
Their eyes meet, their frames are rigid. I am afraid they will come to blows.
“Ours,” I say. “Sylvie belonged to all of us.” I step over to Lukas and touch him on the arm. “I am so embarrassed by the accusations I made.”
He takes a shuddering breath. His eyes are dark, intense, filled with an ocean of grief. “I should not have kept the truth from you. I should have been kinder to you, especially since I know how much you meant to Sylvie. The truth is that I have always been jealous of you.”
I am taken aback. No one has ever envied me. “What? Why?”
He says simply, “You took my place.” I hear in those words how much he loved her, how much he missed her when she left, and how much he will long for her the rest of his life.
“There was enough room for all of us.” My breath hitches. I rub my temples with my fingers. “That’s what her signature meant. She wasn’t pretending to be married to you. She was trying to tell us her true name: Sylvie Tan.”
I stretch out my arms. He steps into them and we hold each other for a long time.
As he pulls away, he says, “I never intended to keep the jewelry. She hid it in my apartment that last night. I was going to give it to your ma before you all left. I did not want any problems.” He glances at his mother. “I only ripped off her signature because I was afraid of what would happen if our secret was revealed. Look, the note was still in the bag. I saw it fall out when you emptied the jewelry onto the table.”
I pick up the plastic bag with the wrapped items. “Is it in here?”
He clenches his jaw and I see anguish overtake his face. “No, I think those are the presents she bought for you in Venice.”
We search the floor and I find the folded piece of yellow notebook paper beneath the coffee table. When I flatten it out, the signed scrap is a perfect match.
Dearest Ma, Pa, and Amy,
You are the true treasure of my heart.
Love always,
Sylvie Tan
Chapter 32
Ma
Monday, May 16
I said to Helena, “You never deserved what I did to you. I wronged you.”
Helena’s face worked and then she said, “I committed evil as well. I did not treat Snow Jasmine as I should have. I could only see you and Willem in her face. Every time I looked at her, the same wound reopened.”
She left the room and returned with a homemade rag doll in her hands. Helena’s wan smile no longer contained a knife. “This was Sylvie’s. She named it Tasha. Grandma and Sylvie would have wanted you to have it.”
“Thank you, Helena.” I turned to her husband, who watched me with his heart laid open in his eyes, as he always had. “Goodbye, Willem.”
For so many years, I had loved someone who did not exist. I wronged Pa in more ways than one. A part of my heart had never been accessible to him, obsessed with the useless fantasy of a young girl. I had ignored the man with whom I had enjoyed the sweet and undergone suffering for all these years.
I stood beside Pa and took his arm in mine. Despite everything I had done to him, he gave me a small smile.