‘Ah. Nah. She wanted it to be that, and I thought a semi-regular cop off was a semi-regular cop off. I’m very … upfront about my priorities since that experience. Leaving any room for doubt can go badly.’
Laurie was equal parts fascinated and repelled by Jamie’s cynicism.
‘I think long-term relationships are the most potent demonstration of Sunk Cost Fallacy you’ll ever see,’ Jamie said.
Laurie picked up a small handful of dry roasted and threw them into her mouth. She only noticed, on chewing them, how wildly hungry she was. ‘Meaning?’
‘The definition of Sunk Cost Fallacy is a refusal to change something that makes you unhappy. You won’t, because look at the time and money and effort you’ll have wasted if you do. Which of course only means more waste.’
Had this been what Dan decided?
‘Well. Happy weekend to me. You’re as much fun as falling into a barrel of tits, aren’t you!’ Laurie said, and she and Jamie both burst into loud, alcohol-fuelled laughter.
Jamie paused. ‘None of this is remotely personal by the way, not as if I knew you and Dan as a couple.’
‘None taken,’ Laurie waved her hand. ‘What about falling madly in love though? Don’t you make any allowances for that?’
‘I do, I only hope it never happens to me. It looks from the outside to be a temporary heightened manic state during which you do yourself all kinds of damage and make reckless promises you can’t keep.’
‘Hahaha. I guess it’s that too.’
‘That’s all it is, I’m sure of it.’
Laurie had no comeback that didn’t seem pitiful, given her circumstances.
‘Hey. I hope poor Gina, twenty-nine, from Sale isn’t looking for a soulmate, if she’s meeting guys like you?’
‘Oh, I’m pretty confident that’s not the kind of mating she’s looking for,’ Jamie said, with a wolfish knowing glance, and Laurie said, ‘Blee.’
14
‘I’ve had an absolutely mad idea, while at the bar,’ Jamie said, and Laurie sincerely hoped it didn’t – shock, horror – involve getting naked. She would feel both embarrassed for him and dismayed by him. ‘It’s either a fit of divine inspiration or the stupidest notion ever to spring into a human mind.’
‘High stakes, here,’ Laurie said, bullishly, but she cringed. Him setting it up like this meant it was potentially embarrassing if she said no. She’d not had so much as a hint of sleaze from Jamie, but, well. That might be the secret of his success.
‘You want to get back at Dan Price? Realistically, unless you mean the kind of revenge that could see you getting sent to prison, that will involve making him angry, bewildered and jealous, am I right?’
‘Yes …?’ Oh God, he was going to try it on? I’ve got a fiendish plan, it involves you sitting on top of me. What’s in it for me? Oh, merely the joy of seeing you prevail over this terrible gentleman.
‘I need to show my conventional settledness to get this promotion.’
‘Yeeesss …?’
Oh, God.
‘What if we pretended we were dating? Proper whirlwind romance, stuff of fairytales. Social media nowadays is the perfect place for showing off.’
‘Me and you?’
‘Yes. I mean, I know I’m not as good for your brand as you’d be for mine,’ Jamie said, taking a deep glug of his beer.
Laurie sensed behind the bravado, he was slightly nervous about her response. This seemed an odd reversal of power. He was the one everyone wanted to be seen with. All the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner.
‘How would it work?’
‘We could post loved-up pictures on Facebook, Instagram, whatever. Praise each other to the skies. All over by Christmas, once it’s served its purpose, because they’ll give me a verdict on the partnership by then. But we both go around saying we’ll always care about each other or whatever. A no-fault divorce where we stay best of friends.’
‘People would buy it? You and I have barely spoken before now.’
Laurie shrank from saying: no one is going to think Hermione Granger here is having it off, big style, with Draco Malfoy.
‘If we sell it well enough.’
‘You think Salter & Rowson would approve? Am I really impressive enough to get you your promotion?’
‘Are you kidding?! You’re the golden girl. The haloed one. The star. Salter adores you. I struggle to think of anyone’s image who could do me more good by association.’
‘You say this, and you didn’t know my name earlier!’
Jamie covered his eyes with his palm. ‘Aaaargh. Only because Michael refers to you as Lozza. I could hardly call you Lozza and couldn’t remember what it was short for.’
Laurie laughed.
‘And Dan would think I’d moved on and was having an absolute ball?’ Laurie toyed with the stem of her wine glass and thought, damn it if this idea doesn’t have immediate appeal.
She was flattered. Might as well admit that element to herself. Jamie Carter was prepared to publicly declare himself in love with her? This Greek God was prepared to anoint her his Phony Goddess? It did feel like the most longed-for boy in school asking you to prom.
It’s because you’re in favour with Mr Salter and Mr Rowson, she reminded herself, you’re swot girl offsetting his louche image, remember. The whole POINT is you’re not a natural choice for him, you’re subverting the rock-star-and-supermodel expectation.
‘Oh, we’d make sure it was obnoxiously romantic,’ Jamie said. ‘We’d blow Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan out of the water. We’d make Sleepless in Seattle look like a Ken Loach film.’
‘Hahaha. Hmmm. I mean, if I wanted to mess with Dan’s head … it’s certainly not what he’s expecting …’
Laurie knew that this urge to hurt Dan, to get his full attention again, was beneath her, and unhealthy. So what, though? Life, she had realised fully, was extremely unfair.
‘I don’t know Dan Price very well but I do know male psychology,’ Jamie said. ‘Was he ever jealous?’
Laurie nodded vigorously. ‘A lot. Very.’
She wanted this known. She had mattered, once.
‘Then I promise you, he can be again. We could help each other.’
He fixed his gaze on her steadily and Laurie knew she was getting a variant of his seduction routine. Laurie had never met a proper ladies man before, only gobby lads who fancied themselves as busy scorecard shaggers and weren’t worthy of the title, really.
She was anthropologically curious. To other women this must be magic, and to her it was a card trick. She’d quite enjoy doing a Penn and Teller on his act, deconstructing it.
She looked at Jamie’s intense dark blue eyes and glowing skin, the light sweat on his brow, that thick dark hair you wanted to push your fingertips into, and wondered what age he was when he discovered how beautiful he was, and the power he wielded over women.
Awareness of that power, plus having a quick wit and no heart of his own – a dynamite combination. His laidback manner, his playful sense of humour, his ability to focus exclusively on you – these were the ingredients, Laurie figured, that added up to a man who made husbands jealous. He should ditch the law and become a high-class gigolo, working La Croisette in tennis whites for diamond-rattling divorcees.