“I’ll do it the rest of the night if it’ll get ya’ll back together.”
I didn’t respond. I’d buy him a case of beer later.
I stepped in with her and closed the door behind us. The speakers piped the music in, but we couldn’t hear the people.
“I’m glad you’re safe, but worried that you’ve been doing dangerous shit.”
“It isn’t dangerous. I went to a club in Atlanta and one of my teammates has a girlfriend who does stage shows there. She saw me and told them, and they freaked that I’d gone alone. I went with a referral from the club in Montgomery, and they assigned a dungeon master to keep an eye on me since I went without someone to watch out for me and I didn’t know anyone. No one was going to take advantage of me. The DM set me up with an experienced Dom who found buttons even I didn’t know I had.”
I sat, stretched my feet out in front of me, and crossed them at the ankles. I wasn’t going to push myself on her. “I’d love to hear about it. I miss talking to you.”
She sat in another chair and sighed. “I’ve missed you, too, but I don’t think I’m ready for you.”
“You enjoyed everything I did to you. Are you looking for someone who isn’t as extreme?”
“No, that isn’t it. You were perfect, but I’m still figuring out who I am when no one owns me. When I’m myself. I’m not ready for a relationship. Plus, I feel like I need other experiences, and once we’re together, it’s just gonna be us.”
“So you want to be wild and get it out of your system before you settle down?”
“I don’t know. Maybe, but that’s simplifying it too much. I just know that I can’t do the easy thing, and letting you take care of me would be the easy thing. I need to do the hard things. I need to figure my shit out and fix my baggage.”
“Look, I think we’re perfect for each other, and that doesn’t come along very often, but I’m not going to beg you. I’d like you to consider the possibility that I can help you figure your shit out, and I can be a support system while you fix your baggage. I was falling in love with you, and sitting across the room right now, I can’t deny the chemistry’s there, but if you don’t feel it, you should tell me to take a hike and forget about you.”
She sighed. “I feel it. It’s there. I don’t know, maybe we can start talking and texting, keep each other updated on what’s going on in our lives. How have you been?”
“I’m good. I work long hours and party hard when I’m not working.”
“I know it isn’t fair, and I’m not mad at you, but the idea of you screwing or spanking someone else makes my heart hurt.”
“You’re right, it isn’t fair.”
“Is there anyone in your life you care about?”
“There are lots of people in my life I care about. My brothers are my family.”
“Women.”
I shrugged. “Not in the way I care about you, but I care about them as people. The ones I’d rather not be around, I avoid. There’s no one I want to spend much time with outside of sex, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“And if I wanted to do stuff with you — have dinner and maybe go for a walk or a run, but there wouldn’t be sex, would you want to?”
“In a heartbeat.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t text or call. That was rude.”
“It was.”
She gave me a deadpan look. “Damn, you don’t pull any punches, do you?”
“With you? I’m sitting on my hands so I don’t punch at all. You’re upset with me for agreeing with you?”
“Most people would say they understood, or it was okay.”
“But it wasn’t okay. Whether I understand or not doesn’t make it okay. You were right. It was rude. I’m willing to forgive you, but that doesn’t change the fact it wasn’t nice.”
She looked down, took a few seconds to regroup, and met my gaze again. “So what else is new with you? I know ya’ll needed more members, have you brought more people in?”
We had a few new prospects, actually, but I wasn’t going to talk to her about the club. “The only way to meet our members is to be at the clubhouse. I can’t talk to you about that.”
“You did before. You told me a little about people I’d meet. I knew a little about your brothers before I met them.”
“In the course of telling stories about myself and having normal conversation, I’m sure I did, but that was different. Plus, we were an item.” I didn’t want to sound combative, so I tried to give her something. “Gears helped me rebuild the engine on one of my bikes. It gave me a nice little side project, and now it’s a dream to ride.”
“I thought I’d be moving to Chattanooga when I went to work for Drake, but it turns out, Aaron’s planning to keep me here. He has bodyguards living in most major cities, and I knew that, but I wasn’t expecting to get to stay. He can use more analysts in Chattanooga, but he doesn’t need more bodyguards there.”
“Was that one of the reasons you didn’t think we could work?” I asked.
“Yeah. I mean, I knew you could transfer to another club, but I didn’t figure you would. Your brothers need you.”
“So, one obstacle’s down. Want to tell me the other ones?”
“My baggage. It wouldn’t be fair to you for me to dive into an ‘us’ when I don’t have ‘me’ straightened out.”
“Can I take you to dinner Sunday evening? Or lunch that afternoon?”
She pulled her phone from her pocket and looked. “I can do dinner. Six, maybe?”
“Perfect. I’ll pick you up. No sex. Just food and conversation.”
I scented both relief and disappointment. Perhaps she was right and she really did need to work through her shit.
Chapter Fourteen
Ember
I called Sophia on Sunday afternoon and had a total meltdown. I cared about Dementor and wanted him in my life, but I wasn’t ready to settle down. Plus, bears aren’t monogamous and no way could I expect him to never fuck anyone but me for the rest of his life, but if I was going to settle down, I needed to know my partner was mine.
She pulled Kirsten into our video chat, and then bowed out so it was just me and Kirsten. I’d talked to her a few times before and she’d helped, so I appreciated her taking the time to talk to me again. Kirsten isn’t currently practicing, but she’s a therapist who understands BDSM and the long term after-effects of being a sex-slave. I don’t consider myself an ex-sex-slave, but Kirsten had told me in the past that I have all the hallmarks of one.
When Sophia was gone, Kirsten said, “Tell me your biggest fear.”
“That I’m putting myself into the same relationship dynamics I had with Able. The MC passes women around like chattel — they aren’t even at the level of a treasured toy. Dementor gives me screaming orgasms, and I think I risk getting addicted to him, like I was to Able. I could only focus on pleasing Able, but he wouldn’t put me first in his life. Why did I spend years hoping he would? Looking at it now, I see that he’d have never made me his wife or queen or whatever. I was his toy. Nothing more. No chance of more.”