“I’ll text you where to meet.” The fact that he doesn’t reach to touch me tells me that he knows I’m freaking out. Because even before I said yes to dating him again he touched me. And I crave his touch the way I crave breathing. Quickly, I turn away to hide the sudden tears of frustration and confusion that rise to my eyes.
“You sure you’re okay, Nicola?” he says by the door.
“I’m fine. Just tired. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay.”
I can’t ignore the sadness in his tone because it’s the sadness that’s echoing inside me right now. Betrayal. That’s what this feels like. The fact that he had a whole life before me. Likely still does. It feels like betrayal even though I don’t have a right to think that way. I don’t have a claim on his life before me.
If I keep thinking about it I actually will start crying and I can’t afford to. Instead, I pull out my test kit and start messing with flavors. Now that orange basil is almost done, I need to start on a new one. Always keep moving. Never let it land. I can make it another day without answers. Maybe.
The text I get from Tristan asks me to dress up a little and meet him at a park that’s in the middle of Leighton City near the river that flows lazily through town. I do.
I do my hair and make-up, and put on a short little black dress that I feel pretty in. Since I have no idea what’s going to happen tonight, I want some kind of armor. And knowing that I look good is armor for me.
Thankfully when I leave, my parents are occupied. My dad is suspicious enough about me and Tristan, and I don’t want to be interrogated before this date. Especially with everything that’s going to be on the table.
It’s a pretty warm day for February, which I’m glad about. I’m not really sure why we’re meeting in a park in the middle of winter but I’m hoping that his plan is to move inside soon. It’s warm, but it’s not that warm.
I can see him when I pull up next to the park, and the breath leaves my chest. Tristan is wearing a suit, and sitting beneath a tree in light shimmers of swirling snow in the winter breeze.
He’s beautiful, and every part of me aches. Please, I beg the universe. Please let there be a misunderstanding. I don’t want to lose him.
I park the car and take a deep breath. I can do this. I can ask him about what happened and I can survive whatever the answer is. After all, I survived the four years without him before. I can do it again.
My heart breaks a little at the thought.
The look on Tristan’s face as I approach him is one of awe. He’s looking at me the way I’ve always dreamed of him looking at me, even if I am bundled up in a winter coat.
He leans forward and catches me by the waist, kissing me softly. And against my better judgement I kiss him back. As if my body would have given me any kind of choice in the matter.
Taking a step back, he looks me up and down. “You look incredible.”
“Thank you.”
The side of his mouth tips up into a smile. “Wondering why we’re standing in the cold?”
I laugh in spite of myself. “Honestly, yeah.”
“Well, I wanted this to be special even though it’s not summertime, so I thought of where I would do it if I were warmer, and I’ve always loved this place. It’s beautiful, even in the winter.”
It’s true. There’s ice floating down the river and in the fading daylight the entire park seems to sparkle since it’s covered with snow. I see Tristan move out of the corner of my eye and I swear for a minute that my heart stops beating. That I’ve died.
Tristan is on one knee in front of me, looking up at me with all the love I could ever want. Oh no.
“Nicola, I know that this is fast. I tried to convince myself to wait. That we needed to experience life just dating for a while before we jumped into anything deeper. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought it was bullshit. We’ve both spent so much time waiting for each other, I don’t want to be apart from you anymore. I told you that I wanted to marry you, and I do. I swear to you that I will never walk away again.
“I want to wake up with you every morning and know that you’ll be with me. Nicola Thompson, will you marry me?”
He’s holding out a ring that sparkles in the twilight. Twisting diamonds and silver—a ring that looks like it was pulled from my imagination and forged just for me. Maybe it was.
I think my jaw actually drops open in shock. This is actually happening. Now? Tonight? Oh my god.
My first reaction is absolute elation, but then my heart comes crashing down like a meteor. How can I say yes when there’s so much that I don’t know?
I thought that I’d known the worst pain in my life when Tristan disappeared and I knew that it was because of me. But it’s nothing compared to the pain that’s in my chest, because my heart has shattered. It’s lying on the ground in a million pieces because of the word on my lips. “No.”
I see the same pain hit him when he registers my answer. “No.”
“I’m so sorry.”
He hasn’t stood up, and right now I’m not even sure if he can. “Why?”
Tears flood my eyes and I have to look away. I just shake my head—I can’t do this. Quickly, I turn and move toward my car, but he catches me. “Wait, Nicola please. I need to know why. What happened? What changed? Just four days ago you told me that you loved me.”
“I do love you,” I whisper, trying to keep my emotions in check and failing completely.
“Then why?”
I can’t look at him when I say this. “Jill had an idea for the gala. A bachelor’s auction for charity and she wanted to use you. But she mentioned that it might not be a good idea—that it wouldn’t look good. She didn’t clarify, just said she had seen some old headlines.”
Tristan closes his eyes and his shoulders slump, but he doesn’t speak and now I feel like I can’t stop. “So I googled you. And...I don’t understand how there could be so much that I didn’t know about you. That you had a wife and a kid, that you were arrested. I’ve known you my whole life and now I feel this stupid kind of betrayal because I thought that I knew you and I feel like I don’t and as much as I love you I can’t marry you when I don’t have answers.” Tears are streaming down my face and my chest aches like I’ve been punched. Tristan reaches for me and then lets his hands drop.
I see the change of heart on his face again as he reaches for me, folding me against his chest and I don’t know why I let him do it, but I do. I hate how much relief this brings, even when I’m heartbroken and furious. His voice is rough with emotion. “Please let me explain. Please.”
I can only nod.
“There’s one thing that I don’t usually talk about, and I’m guessing that this is something you don’t know about me either. I was named after my father. Technically I am Tristan Swallows the second.”
I go still. “What?”
“My father and I have the same name, and it’s been a blessing and a curse. I probably should have changed it a long time ago, but in spite of everything, it’s the only thing I have left of him.”
“What does this—”
“I swear to you that it will make sense,” he says into my hair. “But it will take a moment.” There’s a long moment and I fell his chest expand with breath.