“Yes. I’m sorry about telling you to go on to the party and not calling you.”
“It’s more than that,” I admitted slowly. “When I saw Claire, I wanted to hurt her. Not physically. Not like that. But I felt a shift inside me. I felt Bad Lark surface, and all the things that I had been trying to tamp down in my personality reappeared as if it had never been gone. And I realized that only you make me feel that way.”
He frowned. “I make you want to do bad things?”
“Yes,” I told him. “It was just like with Melissa. I couldn’t think clearly when she said she wanted you back. It was why I stood on the threshold because I didn’t want to become that person again.”
“I don’t want to make you feel like that,” he said carefully.
“I know. I’ve come to terms with it a bit. I thought it was all bad. But I think it’s just the part of me that doesn’t want to hurt. So, I lash out to protect myself. I don’t want to be vulnerable.” I bit my lip, searching his face. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before, Sam. Not the way that I feel about you. Which is why I lash out when I feel threatened by that. It’s why I did what I did to Melissa and what I wanted to do to Claire.”
“That sounds actually pretty normal, Lark. Maybe not to the extent at which you can lash out at people. You have a certain level of experience in that. But a lot of people get mad when they feel threatened.”
“I know,” I said with a sigh. “And I don’t want to justify my behavior. But I want you to understand where I was coming from last night.”
“I get it. You were afraid of losing me.”
I swallowed. “So…am I losing you?”
His eyes rounded. “You actually think that’s where this is heading?”
My hands shook as I clasped them hard together. “I don’t want to think so. But what am I supposed to think? You stayed with her for two hours. After the diner, I can only imagine that you went home to her last night.”
“I stayed at Court’s,” he told me.
“You…you did?”
“Yes. I told you it’s not what you think. Claire and I aren’t back together.”
“You’re not?” I whispered. Still waiting for that moment where it all fell apart. Still half-fearing this was too good to be true.
“We’re not.” He reached out and grasped my hands. “How could I ever want anyone but you?”
37
Sam
Lark looked back at me, unconvinced. I’d wanted her to light up like Christmas morning when I told her that. But after all she’d told me and how I’d been an idiot, I didn’t blame her for being skeptical.
“If that’s true, then why didn’t you show up last night?” Lark asked. “What were you doing for two hours?”
I sighed and hung my head. “I’m not entirely sure it’s my story to tell. They just found out. It’s why she rushed home.” I met her gaze with a solemn look. “Claire just found out that her mother has breast cancer.”
Her mouth popped open, and she immediately covered it with her hand. “Oh god. No. That’s horrible.”
“Yeah. I really love her mom too. She’s a great woman. Very kind, very loving. She bakes constantly and has this perfect Southern vibe.” I ran a hand back through my hair. “She’s going to beat it, but I think it was hard for Claire to hear. Let alone when she was halfway across the world.”
“Fuck. Yeah. I mean, I don’t even get along with my mom, and I couldn’t imagine finding that out.”
“So, she was understandably freaked out. We spent a lot of time talking about it. But the cancer diagnosis made her look at herself. It made her see what she really wanted…or thought she really wanted. And because I was the first person she thought of, she thought that she was still in love with me. That she’d made some grave mistake by breaking up with me and leaving me behind.”
Lark cringed. “Well, I see how something that traumatic could do that. Plus, you’re pretty amazing.”
“I mean, the thing is that…Claire and I were always just…fine,” I told her. I didn’t know how else to explain it. “We worked. It was simple. Convenient and comfortable. So, Claire didn’t realize she was still in love with me. I think she just fell back on what made her feel safe.”
“That sounds right.”
“Not that you wanted to hear that, but it wasn’t what it seemed when I first walked into the apartment. I had every intention of telling her that I’d already packed her shit up and then following you out. But then she slammed me with this, and I just…couldn’t leave her,” I admitted.
“Jesus,” Lark whispered.
“Yeah, it wasn’t great. Especially when I told her about you.”
Her eyes widened. “You told her?”
“Yeah. The whole truth this time. That we’d dated before on campaign.” I winced. “I’d never heard her scream before that.”
“She screamed at you?”
I nodded. “She tried to act like we weren’t actually broken up. That she’d just said that we were on a break.”
“What is this, Friends?” Lark asked.
I grinned. “Basically. And it was a lie anyway. She might have said we were on a break, but she made it clear that she was leaving me because we weren’t serious enough. I assumed that she was going to Europe to fuck other guys.”
“Ugh. That’s…rough.”
“It was just an excuse that she flung at me when I told her that you and I were together. She wanted to have someone to blame.”
“And she blamed you…or me?” she asked carefully.
“Mostly me. Also some you. And really, I don’t even know whose fault it is. If it’s anyone’s fault. Just a bad situation. She was hurting and needed someone. I was the person she turned to. Then I ruined it by not still wanting her.”
“Do you think she was waiting for you while she was gone?”
A laugh burst out of me. “Definitely not. I’m sure she was doing exactly what I thought she went there to do.”
Lark sighed and leaned her head back against the booth. Her gaze was above my head. I could see she was deep in thought. Taking in all that I’d told her.
I didn’t know where her head was at. If she was still mad at me for what had happened or if she still needed time to think about it. I didn’t want to lose her. Not over this. Especially not after I’d just been fired. But I wasn’t going to just let her walk away.
“So…you’re really not getting back together?” she finally asked.
“No. We’re not. It was a long and horrible conversation. Then we parted ways. She’s going to see her mom and then moving in with a friend.”
“And what are you doing?”
“I think that depends entirely on you,” I said, offering her my hand.
And after a few seconds, she placed hers in mine. “I want this.”
A smile lit up my features. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” she said, fighting back a smile. “I can’t believe we’re really here. Honestly, I felt like the worst was going to happen. That, at any minute, you were going to change your mind. Perhaps I’m a bit traumatized by the past.”