“Poor Lucy,” she groaned, pressing her face into his shoulder. “She hates my guts.”
He laughed. “No, she doesn’t. But when she hears you scream my name, she gets confused. She wants to see what’s going on.”
“I do not want Lucy to see me naked.”
He laughed harder. “You need to make a truce. I want us to be one happy family together, okay?”
She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. After a few moments, he noticed her silence was different. Troubled.
Leaning over, he turned her chin toward him and looked into her hazel eyes. “What’s the matter, sweetheart?”
“Nothing.”
He traced the frown lines marring her brow. “Tell me what brought this on. Do I need to give you another orgasm?”
She smiled, but it was weak. Shadows danced in her eyes. “It doesn’t matter.”
Normally, he’d accept her dismissal, not wanting to stir up worries or problems best left untouched. But with Avery, he wanted her to share her heart, her worries, her feelings. He wanted to steep himself in her body and mind and try to give her the same. “It does to me,” he said quietly.
“How can you not want children? I see the way you are with Zoe, and how you interacted with Brianna at the Bankses’ wedding. Your fierce affection for Lucy. You’re full of love, Carter. What happened for you to stop believing in that?”
The words plowed into him like a sucker punch. All those ugly, messy feelings he’d locked up tight rumbled for freedom, bringing him back to his decision so many years ago, when he’d found his father. The grief and loss on Ally’s face when she had realized both her parents were gone. The struggle to give his sister enough security and love so she’d never find out the truth, and the constant worry he’d never be enough. Children were casualties of love all the time. How could he ever trust himself not to hurt them like his own father had hurt him?
The memories stirred, unsettled. He tried to retreat behind his usual barrier. “Something happened that affected me when I was young. It changed the way I looked at things like love and marriage. I don’t like to talk about it.”
“Well, that’s too bad,” she said, sitting up in bed and tossing him a fierce glare. “Because I’m naked in your bed, and falling hard, and you promised to give me your best. I have a right to know what made you so sure no relationship is worth fighting for.”
Shock held him immobile. Then he shook his head. “Why are you pushing me?”
“Because it’s important!” she said, grabbing his arm. “You’re important. I’m not about to just meekly accept your decision to hide and pretend it doesn’t matter. Dammit, it does matter! You deserve more, and so do I!”
Dear God, she wouldn’t stop. She’d just keep pushing, sensing something about to break inside him. Another woman would’ve retreated and left him to his secrets. But not Avery. She would never allow him to run and hide in her quest for answers. And in that staggering moment, the truth he’d never uttered to a single soul before rose up and begged for freedom. The secret broke free and shot from his lips: “My father killed himself.”
Shock filled her eyes. Her hand dropped from his arm. “Ally said he had a heart attack.”
A bitter smile curved his lips. “Because I never told her the truth. After our mother died, our father fell apart. He was so damn in love, he didn’t want to live without her.” The anger rose back up—a living, breathing thing that he’d shoved away a long time ago and refused to feel. Until now. “Ally and I didn’t seem to matter. We weren’t enough for him. So, one day, he locked himself in his office and overdosed on sleeping pills.”
He spoke the words with a calm, controlled voice. The ice closed back up again, numbing the rawness of memory. It was better this way. No need to waste time on grief or fury for a man who didn’t care enough to live for his children. A man who refused to look past his own selfish needs to join his beloved wife and forget about his responsibilities. God knew his mother had fought so damn hard to live for them. Ironic that her husband found it so easy to give up.
He watched Avery try to process his words, wondering if she’d want to talk it through or analyze it. Exhaustion leaked into his system. For so long, he’d kept his secret. Giving it space to breathe deflated him like a limp balloon devoid of its air and essence. He’d tell her everything now. It no longer mattered, and at least she’d finally understand his choices.
“I was in my first semester of college. Came home for the weekend to check on him. Mom had only been gone for four months, so it was still fresh. Ally was at her friend’s for the weekend at a sleepover.” The day flickered past his vision in slow motion. “I couldn’t find him in the house. Called his name, but no one answered. I figured he was out. I took a shower, made some calls to my friends, got something to eat. Meanwhile, he was in his office, dying.”
He noticed her beautiful hazel eyes were full of pain. How odd she felt it and he couldn’t.
“Finally, I realized he rarely shut his office door, so I went in. He was collapsed on the desk. There were empty pill bottles and my mother’s picture clutched in his hands. I called 911, but I knew it was too late.” He dragged in a breath and finished up. “I knew it could break Ally. She was barely coping with Mom’s death, and knowing her own father took his life would’ve put her over the edge. I decided to hide it. Told her it was a heart attack—which technically it was, due to the overdose. After that, I made the decision to drop out of school. The life insurance set us up for a while, and I applied for guardianship of Ally. I’d gotten into trouble for hacking before, but eventually, a start-up company came looking to hire me. It was easy after that. I was good at hacking, so I made a name for myself. I was able to be home most of the time to raise Ally. The rest is history.”
She remained silent, her gaze delving so deep, a shiver shook through him. It was as if she saw things he’d allowed no one else to view. A secret part he’d kept from everyone.
He forced a smile, looking to reassure her. “I know it’s a terrible story, but honestly, I’m fine. Ally’s fine. But that’s the main reason I made those hard choices. I never want to love someone so much I’d sacrifice everything for them. Sounds like a worthy, romantic cause, but in real life, it’s just wrong.”
“You carried this by yourself for all these years?”
He shrugged. “I was old enough to handle it.”
It was then he saw the tears in her eyes. His heart stopped as he studied her in almost-wonderment. Why was she crying?
“Sweetheart, don’t cry.”
A sob caught in her throat, and suddenly, she was in his arms, wrapped tight around him. Head tucked by his shoulder, she squeezed him as if trying to protect him from harm. Her wet cheeks pressed against his chest, and he returned the embrace, dropping kisses on the top of her head and whispering her name. She cried for a long time, cried for him and his past, releasing all the grief and anger on his behalf. And as Carter comforted her, his chest began to ease. A lightness he’d never experienced before settled over him. It was almost as if the tears he’d never been able to cry had finally released. Through Avery.