“You know what I meant.” Annoyance flickered. “Are you tired? You seem . . . off.”
A humorless laugh came over the phone. “Funny you should ask. I’ve been thinking that this relationship has been a bit ‘off’ lately. You promised total honesty and openness, Carter. It was the only way to move forward with us, so I need to know. What’s really going on?”
Panic grabbed at his throat. She wanted to back out already. After only three weeks of being apart, she was ready to give up.
He should have known. Relationships were too hard. The path was filled with challenges and thorns that made you bleed. It was so much easier to be alone.
His voice chilled, and he felt the blessed numbness begin to come back, the same he’d experienced after seeing his father’s dead body. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “Are you trying to pick a fight? I thought things were fine. We had a good time this past weekend. We’re on the schedule for another visit in two weeks. Isn’t everything going according to our plan?”
“I’m not a damn plan, Carter! I’m not looking to fit nicely into the calendar of your life.” Her voice shook with intensity. “This summer, I fell in love with you. We were connected. But since you’ve gone back to DC, I feel this barrier between us, as if you’re afraid to let go. What are you scared of? That I’m too important? That I’ll wreck your orderly existence? Or that I’ll break your heart?”
He sucked in a breath. It was too much. Her words pushed and prodded and probed until he only wanted to protect the rawness inside. He reacted like a wounded animal being threatened. “Does saying you love someone make all the issues magically go away? You plan weddings and happily ever afters for people on a daily basis. Did you ever stop to think that it could all be an illusion—and that behind the curtain is disappointment? I’m trying to take it slow here, Avery. Let us catch our breath after an intense summer. Get to know one another on a regular basis to see if we fit. I’m not sure what else you want from me.”
“You’re not your father! He made his choices, and now it’s time for you to make yours—to live your own life. Can’t you see you’re punishing yourself for something that’s not your fault? That you’re strong enough to love someone and not lose yourself?”
The mention of his father made him shudder with rage. “The only thing I see is you trying to push me to say something I don’t feel,” he shot back. “Will those three words finally make you happy?”
The tiny gasp sliced through him.
His gut churned. He gripped the phone, wanting to take it all back, but he remained silent.
“I’m sorry,” she finally said. “You’re right.”
“Good. Now, are we still on for the eleventh?” He knew before she spoke he’d made a terrible mistake.
“No, Carter. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Avery, please—”
“You want to know what I want from you?” She spoke with a strength that humbled him, even as his heart shattered in his chest. “I want everything. Not pieces of you doled out in perfect proportions to keep things neat and tidy. I don’t just want to fit properly into your life. I want you to love me. I want you to take the leap with me and believe you’re strong enough to handle the flight, or the fall. But you won’t even try. And I can’t stay with someone who has given up before we’ve even begun.”
He shut down, sensing the end of something beautiful and good and hopeful, and he wondered if he’d ever know what it was like to be whole again.
“You’re breaking up with me,” he stated.
“I’m letting you go,” she corrected. “If I thought time and fighting for you would make a difference, God knows I’d do it. But you have to want all of me, and I don’t think you’re ready.” She paused and he held his breath. “I don’t think you’ll ever be ready.”
“I won’t chase after you.” His words dropped like hard stone between them, and he flinched, knowing he’d hurt her.
“I know,” she whispered. “I want you to be happy. You deserve . . . everything. Goodbye, Carter.”
The phone clicked.
He dropped it on the desk. Stared at the computer. And tried to tell himself it was the only way their relationship could have ended. It never would’ve worked. They’d had a magical summer, but real life proved it was all an illusion.
His hands trembled. Nausea punched his gut. His head swam. He wondered if he was getting sick, so he stumbled to the couch and lay down. Lucy sensed his distress and hopped up next to him, worriedly licking at his cheek. He cuddled her close, shutting his eyes, and telling himself not to think about it.
She’d done the right thing. For both of them.
A week later, he called his sister to check in. Ally didn’t answer, but then a few seconds later, a FaceTime call came through. Shaking his head, he accepted it. “You know I hate video calls,” he grumbled.
Her face was wreathed in a big grin, and she stuck out her tongue, making him chuckle. “I missed your face,” she said cheerily. “Plus, I need you to give me an honest answer. You’re the only one I trust.”
“What is it?”
She held the phone all the way back and showed off her jean-clad body. “Am I getting fat?”
Instead of groaning and pretending she was crazy, he knew exactly what she needed. “Turn around,” he directed, and she did a slow spiral. “Nope, not fat at all. In fact, you look great. I think marriage agrees with you.”
She let out a relieved breath. “Thank God. And yes, marriage does agree with me, but that’s why I’ve been eating more. I don’t mind a few pounds, but I don’t want to overdo my happy diet.”
He grinned. “I hear you. Now, catch me up on things.”
She chatted about Jason and her students, and he listened to her musical voice, loving the way her face lit up. She looked . . . settled. There was a calmness about her that shone right through the tiny screen, and he was glad he’d picked up the FaceTime call. Talking to his sister always made him feel better.
“Have you seen Avery?” she finally asked, switching topics.
Every muscle locked and tightened. He spoke carefully. “Why would I see Avery?”
Her eyes danced with mischief. “Do you think I’m an idiot? It was so obvious when you danced at my bachelorette party. I didn’t want to push too soon, so when I got back from my honeymoon, I called Avery and demanded the truth. She fessed up and told me you guys were seeing each other. I’m so happy! You two are perfect together!”
Pain crashed through him. He’d figured a few days of mourning and he’d be back to normal, but the last few weeks had been brutal. He dreamed of her. He stared at his computer like a lovesick teen, sick to his stomach. It was like having the flu with no medicine and no assurances of getting better. Ever since she’d said goodbye, the life he’d fought hard to protect and maintain had shattered around him.
He debated lying, but he didn’t want to do that. “We spent the summer together,” he finally admitted. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner if you knew?”